Should I stay or go now !?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I left my first DH after 30 years. It was aggravation, and stress, but I just worked through it.

Then I met the love of my life, and was happy with him for 23 years, until he died.

Sometimes you just need to go for it and be happy. Get some advice. 💐

Is there any reason why you can't work? Then you would only need to spend small amounts of time with him and both of you might benefit.. If possible also have your own room.. but I appreciate that being on benefits you might not have the space.

I would also go and talk to a Womans Aid centre and Citizens advise to see if you can get any help if you do decide to move. You could look at live-in work somewhere to try out living apart. You are still young enough to be able to change your life if you want to. I know I wouldn't be able to live with constant aggression..

Men want to feel strong and in control and the accident has taken that away from him. His inability to be the person he wanted to be has turned him into the grumpy man he is now. He may not even realise he is suffering from depression. He needs help but probably would never admit it or even accept it. Very difficult but perhaps things could, to a certain extent, be turned around somehow by professional help. It’s worth trying as life is too short to feel as he does. I feel sorry for both of you but I’d say keep trying.

OP, you are relativ7ly young and could get a job in, say, a shop, which might yield more than your ben6efits. You need to g8et some g8ood financial advice, talk to Citizens Advice so you know where you stand i4f you decide to leave.

Leave,
I regret not leaving looking back but there never seemed the right time. That's my advice being in a loveless relationship, 54 years of marriage. Life is far too short.

You have one life. If his nasty attitude drove your children away and he persists in his mistreatment of you, I would walk away with the purpose of reconnecting with my family. Better to die happy and alone than miserably married and out of contact with your children.

did he suffer brain damage in the accident ?
even if so, it doesn't mean you have to stay to be abused.
listen to your children.

Go. Things will only get more complicated. There is a more peaceful life out there. You will be entitled to benefits in your own right surely?

Only you can decide the correct course of action. Follow your gut feelings think about your future. What I am sure about is no man ( husband or not) would drive a wedge between me and my children.

Evie, I think you already know that you want to separate from your OH? If so, please act upon the good advice being offered here from lots of GNs. You are still a young woman and could have a much happier life ahead. Good luck.

Evie, as youre dependant on benefits you may find you’re no worse off financially
Given his bullying and aggressive behaviour towards you, women’s aid or the local authority freedom project may help you get out and find accommodation. You’ll find it tough after staying for so many unhappy years

After reading your update just a few suggestions might be of use. I assume money is tight so do seek advice from Citizens Advice or Women's Aid.
If you can't afford to leave change your behaviour do put your foot down as suggested earlier. Make ground rules if your husband depends on you he will have to listen.
Tell him you are not going to put up with his aggressive behaviour anymore. You must mean what you say be determind dont allow him to make an argument out of it. If he starts just go out even if it's for a walk window shopping etc. Don't always be available to jump to his orders.
Try to save a small amount of money when shopping. Just so you are able to afford the bus fare if you need to get out. Try to see friends more and volunteer you will meet new people.
I suggest you reach out to your family. If you do no conversation about your husband is advised. It's clear they are sick of the the behaviour and don't want to hear it anymore.
I hope if you have to stay you do change your living situation including your own bedroom.
A few changes might just help you cope better I hope you do.

If you no longer love him, and I find it hard to believe anyone could love this unlovable man leave him, if you possible can afford to do so.

Or give him the rocket you should have given him years ago when he started rude and aggressive behaviour towards you.

Speak to someone at Citizens Advice, get an idea of how you would stand financially.
You might have another 30 years... is this how you want to spend it?

Thank you so much for your thoughts, I am 58 and my oh is 61, our youngest child before she cut ties last year, said she couldn't deal with the toxic relationship anymore and has told me several times over the years to leave him but I think I'm so scared of the unknown and as we live on benefits I feel trapped.

You don't say what age you are but as the years pass and you go into extreme old age a bitterness may overtake you because you see it is too late. I have seen a neighbour who was a fiend to everyone and his wife slowly died inside till it was too late. You must decide if this is the way you want to go or is the amount of life you have left still worth fighting for.

I couldn't live with him. First of all ask yourself a few questions.
Do you think he will ever change?
Do you want to be living like this until one of you die.
If the answer to these is no, then consider the third. Which is.
Can you afford to split up.The practicalities. Finance etc.
Life flies past so quickly, you can make a new one if thats what you want. You will have times when you are living alone you get lonely, but your life will then your own and you could join things or do voluntary work, plan breaks et. You are not his whipping boy and him being disabled is no excuse for him treating you as if you are. He will manage without you. If you cant financially manage it, start going out for days, join things go on holiday, if he starts walk out. I would rather go but if you have to stay, change your attitude to him. Anytime he shouts or gets aggressive towards you, stop what ever it us and leave him to cope himself.

Any man who drove my children away would be away himself pain is no excuse. You get one life get it back and communicate with your family life is too short for regrets.

So sorry you are in this bind. Your husband sounds as if he has already driven your ACs away. Is hard to change course as we get older sometimes just staying with the status quo can seem easier but you need to start thinking of yourself, you have looked after your husband for many years, probably excusing his behaviour towards you because he is disabled and in pain. But how much of this is because of his disability and how much is just part of who he is?
I know friends who have husbands with varying physical difficulties, who are in pain, but have never had the impression that this leads to the husband being horrible and driving the ACs away. But only you know how much more you can take, am imagining you are near the end of your tether to have written this post. Perhaps you already know what you have to do but are scared of taking that step. Cannot make it any easier for you but maybe if you contact your ACs they could offer you some support with this.
Wishing you all the best xx

I thought you may have been my sister!

She has lived with a difficult man for about 30 years. He doesn't work and can barely communicate with people despite not having a specific disability.

They have one son still at home but the other two rarely visit.

Have you tried to speak to your children?

My sister stays for one reason only and that is money. She has no means of supporting herself as her husband had wealthy parents so what they have came from them. It is all very sad.

No one can say stay or leave. I know I left a difficult marriage after twenty years because I felt if I didn't do it then I never would.

Does your husband know how you feel? Have you discussed it with him or have you already made up your mind?

I would seek some good advice before making such a big decision, and maybe get some counselling to help you gain self-confidence.

I wish you well.

37 years is a long time to spend with someone who is moody and aggressive. Has there been something recently that has caused you to consider leaving him. Have you tried to contact your children it seems strange that they would not want anything to do with you. Why do you think they would cut you off too if is all because of him. This is indeed a difficult situation but one that ultimately you will have to work out for yourself. Think of the pros and cons of staying or going and make the choice that you feel is right for you.

Hi Evie66...in answer to your comment no it does not justify his rude manner towards you...you are not responsible for his happiness or lack of it...go and find some peace and happiness in your own life and leave him behind. Speaking from experience here.

So your adult children cut contact with you also.I do feel for you . Do you think that they expected you to leave your husband, I myself couldn’t put up with a moody man for that long let alone an aggressive one. If he’s in a lot of pain does he go to any pain management places. That’s a long time to stay where you are unhappy Evie66.

You should have left a loooong time ago