Dating someone with bipolar

My mum had bipolar or manic depression, it is the most horrible condition for family to deal with, mine and my sister's lives were practically destroyed by this illness, would not wish this on anyone.
My heart goes out to you.

Hi, I was married to a BP1 classic bipolar. The most important thing is to make sure he is taking his meds. The ups and downs of bipolar are outside the norms. Way outside often. The mood stabilizers regulate that to a more normal profile. Very important. We didn't split up over the MH stuff. It was our kids. We both had kids who didn't like the replacement dad or mom.

I learned why her mom always asked if she's taking her pills when she went off meds and ended up needing inpatient to calm back down.

I've been with my SO on and off for nearly 7 years. We're both in our early 70s.

His daughter has bi polar and is unable to work. She was hospitalised about 5 years ago for a few months

My SO gets highs and lows. When he's low he detaches from me and goes into his cave. When he's high, he wakes up very early, gets these creative ideas that are unsustainable and talks very fast in a disjointed way.

When he's in a low mood he can't look me in the eye and usually distances himself or breaks up.

It used to upset me, but lately I've realised he's probably an undiagnosed BP.

I did bring it up when he last became hyper, but he just said he's a 'creative' and therefore neuro diverse

I'm an artist but don't have these mood swings .

We don't live together- I don't think I could live with him- but I still love the man ( even more so now I can explain his mood swings).

At the moment he's distanced himself again, as he's detached emotionally, but I know he'll be back in about 2-4 weeks

If you can’t get involved with his GP appointments and his medication then I think you have to be aware that things will only get worse.

The moods will get worse, withdrawal from you will also get worse.

If he wants to be with you he has to let you help him with his condition.

We’ve been in this position with a relative for over 8 yrs and after a huge blow up, he has decided to live alone, with weekly visits to make sure he eats and is looking after himself. He does take his meds but often has to reminded as he forgets.

When he is ok he is lovely, but that can change in the blink of an eye. All caused by a traumatic brain injury so although we feel so sorry for him, it’s become too much.

Access to medical help is next to impossible, the only thing we have now is ‘if you are worried call the Police’ not at all helpful to anyone.

I hope you manage to sort this out, so that you are both happy and safe.

Some very helpful advice above Clothkits.
I can only recount a couple of stories so I am sorry not to be any real help.
Years ago my very caring son had a girlfriend with bi-polar disorder. She was musically gifted but unable to hold down a job All was reasonably well when she took her medication but the manic episodes were absolutely awful and my son had to call 999 sometimes and off to hospital she went. He would inform her parents but they had eventually withdrawn support because she would not comply with treatment. She did not want the good moods to be levelled out. After a couple of years my son said, "I just can't do this anymore Mum".

A friend of mine married a super, caring man. He had left his former wife after a marriage of 25 years because she suffered with bi-polar disorder and he too told me he "Just couldn't do it anymore". His in-laws thanked him for being a good husband to their daughter yet encouraged him to go and enjoy his remaining years.
Perhaps you can muster up some support for yourself and review how you are feeling in say 6 months time.
Good wishes.

Clothkits he says he is sorry for what he puts me through but when he is ill he really doesn’t care. When he was really bad I was sat crying whilst the doctor was telling him he needed to go into hospital, he was oblivious of my distress. When he was in the hospital he was phoning me at all hours blaming me that he was there and that I didn’t care.
I know he loves me, he is a very caring, loving person but the illness takes that away. I am very open and honest with him but I still don’t think he fully appreciates the trauma that it has caused and how it has damaged my feelings towards him. For me the good outweighs the bad. We are both on 2nd marriage, 25 years next year. He has given me many wonderful times and memories and enabled me to study for a new career, he is a fantastic stepdad and grandad. But I also know when we are in the middle of a manic episode all that positivity fades into despair and there are times when I hate him. What I am trying to say is there has to be a balance of the good times versus the bad and for me the good, for me, makes the bad bearable

My experience is of growing up with a bipolar father ( although it was called “manic depression” then - back in the 1960s - which in some cases is a much more useful description in my opinion).

Having seen how the illness affected our family I can only suggest that you first of all focus on yourself, making sure that you have appropriate support structures and that you have some interests and activities which you do on your own or with family / friends so that you’re not reliant on your husband even though you have interests in common.
And please make sure that you are financially independent, as extravagant and reckless spending can be a factor for some people with bipolar disorder.

As for whether there’s anything you can do “to manage his ups and downs better” - what you can do is try to manage your reaction to his mood swings so that you aren’t so affected by them, but as others have said, it is very hard to live with someone suffering from this illness. It depends so much on whether he has been prescribed medication and if so, whether he is taking it regularly- many people with bipolar stop taking their meds as soon as their mood lifts and they feel “ better “ which is obviously not the best thing to do.

There’s lots of very useful information online for partners and families of bipolar sufferers so I do hope you find the support you need.

I used to work in MH and know that this illness is very challenging for family members.. it is often the case that people become unwell because they don't take their medication consistently and regularly.. so I wonder if you can help him with that? Also it is important to have a regular sleep pattern.. It might help you if you and maybe he also, join a support group, one being BI-Polar UK (which is also for family members) .. and would give you both plenty of good advise.. You don't say whether he is working but there are also in person support groups, usually run by charities which might be a support for him.. I hope you find a way forward..

This is a lot to take on but it very much depends upon how able you are to cope with it for the long haul, and whether it will affect your wellbeing. One of my SiLs fathers is bipolar and his wife deals with it but is also usually down and depressed when he 'absents himself' as she calls it.
Am not sure what to advise other than be very honest with yourself and with him.

It doesn’t sound a good arrangement these issues seldom get better, make sure you are financially secure and not all your money is in a joint account. It may all work out fine, make sure you protect yourself if it doesn’t.

He showed you who he was when you met him. You then married him.
Did you think you could change him?
Genuine question.

I truly cannot imagine living this life and my heart goes out to you in this difficult situation.

Bluebelle you’re right about choosing my moment to talk to him and when he’s well. When he’s withdrawing from me and I try to talk I end up feeling worse because he shuts down even more.

Allsorts

I couldn't do it but some do. The mood changes and sometimes having to walk on egg shells is too much for me. The good periods don't make up for the rest.

Absolutely - my ex DiL is bipolar and it was a nightmare trying to cope with the mood swings. As you say, it's like walking on eggshells. It's very hard to live with.

Dwmxwg Did what I say about times when he is low he says he is numb and doesn’t know if he loves me resonate with you at all? When he is better he is very loving and demonstrative.

Maybe when he is in a good place talk to him in a non threatening way about how it may be easier for both of you if he considered some medication emphasise it is entirely up to him but it is worth a try as it may make all the difference.
I think a support group for you,even online may help you not feel so alone and may offer some ideas

I feel for you Clothkits. My husband has a bipolar diagnosis and is on mood suppressant medication. He was not diagnosed until we had been married some years but I did always think he was a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
Fortunately for me he does not have low episodes. We have recognised that stress is a trigger for him, he becomes high which can manifest with distraction, poor sleep, constant talking, manic episodes. It’s very difficult to explain but when he is like it he has no empathy of my feelings, everything evolves around him. He has been hospitalised (MH hospital) once in the 24 years we have been married, usually we manage between us and it fades over time and I get my husband back. When he is “in it” I feel lost and alone but he does come out of it and I get him back.
There are support groups out there for loved ones, I was given information by his MH team, I have not used personally as I have so far managed with the help of very supportive family and friends.
Sorry not really any advice but you are not alone. I do hope you can find some support.

Thanks BlueBelle Part of this is his reluctance to talk about things which includes medication and his diagnosis. I don’t think he complies with what the GP says

I have a friend who has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, which is greatly helped by medication, wondered if your husband have meds?

Thanks Skydancer, I am sure he can’t help it.

Thanks sparklefizz. My husband also doesn’t have any proper friends either. I know one of the reasons his ex wife stayed as long as she did was because she knew he didn’t really have anyone else and she felt a level of responsibility.

I don't know. But I am close to two people (unrelated to one another) who "sulk". Is this bipolar? All I know is that it makes me uneasy. I can't stand, or understand, sulking. Our brains are all wired differently and I know from experience that people don't change. It sounds as if he just can't help it but it is very difficult for you.

I couldn't do it but some do. The mood changes and sometimes having to walk on egg shells is too much for me. The good periods don't make up for the rest.

I haven’t lived with anyone with bipolar but one if my best friends is bipolar but it is completely controlled by her medication and had I not been told by her I wouldn’t have known her diagnosis
I realise a marriage is different to a close friendship but she seems to have no problem within her marriage
Is he on medication it almost doesn’t sound as if he is if he’s still going up and down or maybe it needs adjusting would he be willing to talk to his therapist about his medication and the fact the bi polar is obviously still over shadowing his (and subsequently) your life

I think you have to accept that this is how it will be from now on. I had a relationship years ago with someone who was not diagnosed Bipolar but I did wonder about him.

He behaved exactly as you describe and his drastic mood swings ruined holidays and much of our time together. One time on holiday he refused to speak to me for a week and wouldn't make eye contact. I never knew what triggered these moods.

We didn't live together although I know he wanted to, but I was worried at how much his moods pulled me down. Being with him created a black cloud. He had no friends. He would go home and "pull up the drawbridge", refuse to answer the phone, etc. Then days or a week later he would suddenly be ok.

Eventually I ended the relationship as he was making me feel terrible.

Can I just add that we have been married only for a short while but I did notice the moodiness fairly soon after we began dating. I do blame myself for the fact that these issues came up long before we got married