her spoilt children

Cossy

I too disagree! We don’t actually know what these three girls have actually done ?

Also not sure if “like” my new step-father that much if he called my biological father a “psychotic dick” and suggested “ripping the TV” off the wall??

I am calling him what he is only here in this forum to give some context - I would never use such language around my wife's daughters or even imply it. Every neighbour he has and every person who meets him winds up being scared of him. He is likely borderline personality or one of those extreme conditions. This is not some judgment I have. My wife's family is scared of him and will not go anywhere he might be.

ExDancer

visitingwhen - you need to explain just which countries you live in. I'm concerned about your phrase - I quote - "I’m happy with her". You sound as if you've just bought a sheepdog puppy, not met and married a wife!
I think we've established you are from the USA so tell us, what is your wife's background? Is she Indonesian perhaps?

I am Canadian and she is American. And is not a pet but a competent brilliant person who does not need me. We both have fun lives and chose to get married and so we did. Both our work and caring for our elderly parents keeps us from moving together just yet.

I think my sisters and I were sulky around the house as teenagers, my own three DD certainly were so I agree with MOnica that there’s nothing particularly unusual about that.

The marital dynamics around it seem a separate matter.

Sorry I’m agreeing with Allira that I disagree that this family need therapy.

I’d like more info re their behaviour and why they behave fine when he is there?

I too disagree! We don’t actually know what these three girls have actually done ?

Also not sure if “like” my new step-father that much if he called my biological father a “psychotic dick” and suggested “ripping the TV” off the wall??

MissAdventure

Other people's children are always badly behaved, I've found, while mine was a perfect angel

😂😂😂 😜😜

pascal30

As these young people are well behaved when the poster visits,, I wonder whether the wife is telling porkies..

I wonder if they behaved like this before their mother got married again?

As these young people are well behaved when the poster visits,, I wonder whether the wife is telling porkies..

MissAdventure

Other people's children are always badly behaved, I've found, while mine was a perfect angel

Well, of course, and as for my grandchildren, well they're just perfect in every way!

Frenchgalinspain

My viewpoint:

A fundamental ingredient of a happy, long lasting relationship is effective communications amongst those closest to you.

These three teenagers are grossly disrespectful both to their mother and her new husband.

I am going to suggest family therapy for the three gals and separately to start off with, the wife and her new husband.

I disagree.

Other people's children are always badly behaved, I've found, while mine was a perfect angel

visitingwhen - you need to explain just which countries you live in. I'm concerned about your phrase - I quote - "I’m happy with her". You sound as if you've just bought a sheepdog puppy, not met and married a wife!
I think we've established you are from the USA so tell us, what is your wife's background? Is she Indonesian perhaps?

My viewpoint:

A fundamental ingredient of a happy, long lasting relationship is effective communications amongst those closest to you.

These three teenagers are grossly disrespectful both to their mother and her new husband.

I am going to suggest family therapy for the three gals and separately to start off with, the wife and her new husband.

Yes, the two houses thing does seem like a lack of commitment but in that case, why marry?

I remarried, only when I knew he liked my children and they got on. If they hadn’t wanted him in our lives I wouldn't have married. It would seem neither of you considered the situation nearly enough. Also why keep two houses?, I can’t see how it can work.

Perhaps, having been married to what you call a "psychotic prick", your wife has never had much help with parenting and now she is asking you, her husband, to help her. Not surprising given her rude offspring. Did they learn it from their dad?

According to Gen Z persons, it's perfectly 'normal' for someone to have an actual father and a stepfather.

They may be hormonal - tough!!!
No excuse for being sullen and uncooperative. No doubt we all had our ' moment's when we were teenagers but to put it bluntly my parents would not have tolerated such behaviour . They did not rule with a rod of iron ,they were sensible and loving but set boundaries we respected. Too many excuses for stroppy teenagers, they need pulling into line, not by you OP but by their mother.

Oh dear, what a lot of snooty and unkind answers!

visitingwhen: this is one of the common problems of marrying someone who already has children, especially teenagers.

I agree with you: we were assuredly not allowed to throw tantrums if asked to take a used cup or plate out to the kitchen, and my parents were not unduly strict or old-fashioned for the late 1960s, early 1970s.

The world has moved on since then, and today a lot of teenagers are behaving as you describe. I am not sure that "allowed to behave "in this manner applies. While I was teaching, I met many parents who despair of their teenagers unpleasantness and it would have been no consolation if I had told them that the time to teach manners or begin to do so, is when children are three not thirteen.

You are wise not to say anything to the girls right now, but I think you should try to discuss their behaviour and its effect on you with your wife. Outwith the hearing of these rude youngsters, obviously.

Until you know whether she sees nothing wrong with their behaviour, or is in dispair over it, you really cannot begin to work out how to proceed.

Where the girls all sweetness and light before you married their mother?

Is the eighteen year old not soon leaving home for college or university - preferably so far away that she will have to find accomodation there?

Allira

mum2three

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

Absolutely! This is not normal behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Indulgent parents really are not doing what's best for their children.
As to the relationship...it's astonishing that he wasn't aware of the home situation while they were dating.

I might be castigated for saying this but perhaps their behaviour when the OP is there reflects how they feel about their mother's marriage. It's certainly a strange arrangement.
Where is their father? Is he still on the scene?
Perhaps they just dislike their mother's new husband, are angry with their mother too and this is how they are showing it.

I'm not excusing bad behaviour but it's not easy being a teenager even in a stable, loving family and this sounds anything but.

The behavior is unrelated to me. Their father lives around the block and has custody of two of them half the time. Most people dislike him, and it’s not a stable situation, and I tread lightly when around them and never say a word to them about anything other than minimal polite banter.

They are very pretty and VERY smart, and I imagine that, in groups, girls or young women like this tend to exhibit this kind of viciousness. It’s likely amplified by the divorce, and I’m simply ill-equipped to deal with it. It’s not their fault that I can’t handle it—it’s my own. I’m just not sure how to be about it.

BlueBelle

Strange to marry someone when you live in different countries it all sounds quite bizarre to me

It’s strange how life works sometimes, but it happened. She’s a good woman, and I believe I’m a good man too. Neither of us was looking for marriage, yet we found that we fit intellectually. Being older and more certain about what we wanted, we moved forward quickly.

I’m happy with her, but I’m struggling with her teenage daughters, hence the post. Their behavior is beyond challenging, and my wife has expressed a desire for me to take on a "stepfather" role—something we never discussed and that I have no intention or desire to do. They already have a father, and while he’s a psychotic prick, he’s still their father, and that’s the reality of the situation.

Calendargirl

You should have considered all this before getting married.

Perhaps they resent you, and their behaviour is designed to drive a wedge between you and their mum.

How long did you go out with her before getting wed?

how does one consider all the unknowns of marriage or any relationship until you get into the middle of it?

Strange to marry someone when you live in different countries it all sounds quite bizarre to me

Allira

My credulity is being stretched.

people are on good behaviour when they first meet others. this is the human condition

mum2three

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

Absolutely! This is not normal behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Indulgent parents really are not doing what's best for their children.
As to the relationship...it's astonishing that he wasn't aware of the home situation while they were dating.

I might be castigated for saying this but perhaps their behaviour when the OP is there reflects how they feel about their mother's marriage. It's certainly a strange arrangement.
Where is their father? Is he still on the scene?
Perhaps they just dislike their mother's new husband, are angry with their mother too and this is how they are showing it.

I'm not excusing bad behaviour but it's not easy being a teenager even in a stable, loving family and this sounds anything but.

*Visitingwhen”

Two of our daughters were what I would suggest were pretty much normal in their teens, sulky, quite rude at times, slamming doors, cursing under their breath. Very very untidy.

Our third and youngest daughter was somewhat more trying, from secondary school and through 6th form college she was very troubled and troubling, even getting into trouble with the police. We stood by them all, let them know their behaviour was unacceptable and tried to support and understand them.

In adulthood one daughter was diagnosed with ASD and our youngest daughter with a serious mental health issue where she is both medicated and receiving therapy.

ALL five of our adult children have jobs and on the whole are good decent people, whom we love unconditionally.