her spoilt children

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

Absolutely! This is not normal behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Indulgent parents really are not doing what's best for their children.
As to the relationship...it's astonishing that he wasn't aware of the home situation while they were dating.

BlueBelle

Didn’t you visit before you married ?
Wasn’t that a red flag if it annoys you so much ?
You say you wish your never married her surely you should have thought of that before you took that step
As you say you avoid visiting how do you know that they are like it ALL the time.
Anyway they are her children, she loves them, and they will be gone in a blink and she ll miss them, teenagers do go through selfish phases and sometimes seem disrespectful and uncaring but most change with a bit of maturity into lovely young people but whether they do or they don’t they are her precious kids and if you are wise you will make friends not enemies of them

I predict you are right. But in the meantime I do not know how parents handle and tolerate this nasty narcissistic entitled behaviour. I certainly never talked to my mother and father in this way, not even close. We would not have dared.

HeavenLeigh

I think the children could be testing you, but I find it strange that you married but didn’t have much to do with your wife’s children not all children are disrespectful my husnba d is a step parent to two of mine, none of mine when young disrespected me or their step dad, they were given boundaries maybe hers aren’t then she has made a Rod for her own back, if they are throwing tandrums at the smallest things then good luck to you but I’d say if you try to interfere by saying something about it to their mother she will most be making excuses for them and won’t welcome your comments, they sound very spoilt only being decent when they get something, doubt if the situation will change now

I am not naming anyone on social media, what is your point? I am talking about teens in the most general terms. I would never be specific or name people or places or any such thing.

Allira

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

It matters not how they behave.

It is not up to the OP to criticise and to write about them on social media - what is he thinking?

If he does think.

in a different country actually but I visit a lot like once a month. and sometimes stay for a month or longer.

Skydancer

pascal30

I suggest you continue living in separate houses until the girls leave home and then review the situation.

I totally agree with pascal30. Without the girls being around you may both get on just fine. Most women will put their children first and won’t like it if you criticise. Living in separate houses isn’t too unusual these days and can be good for a harmonious relationship.

I want to it is just very hard. I am not use to putting up with substandard behaviour. At 16 and 18 - these are adults and who puts up with BS from adults?

Cossy

I have two biological daughters and on step daughter, she was 11 when she and her father met, and she’d not lived with her father since her parents divorced when she was 4.

All of them were awful teenagers!

However we now have a fabulous 40 year old, with a great job, house, partner and son, and one daughter is a school teacher and one is a manager in the Civil Service.

All in their own ways really tested us in their teens, all are now lovely adults.

"All of them were awful teenagers!"

in what way?

Cossy

Sadly, this is pretty normal for teenagers.

Also, the girls may resent you marrying their mother.

I’m guessing you have no biological children?

No children of my own, 60 and never been around teens other than myself and my siblings and we were all pretty well behaved.

Thanks for the thoughtful comments. Many genius perspectives for me to consider.

The bad behavior happens when I’m not around—when I am, they’re usually decent. My wife shares the details with me later, and I’m shocked by some of the things these girls say and do. It’s so foreign to me; we always respected our parents and never ganged up on them. It’s easy to blame it on the divorce, but I wish she’d stand up to them more when they’re lazy or disrespectful instead of just absorbing it. It’s so hard to "like" them.

My wife keeps rewarding and bribing them, hoping her generosity will make them act nicer, and I say, "F that—cut off all their privileges and rip the TV off the wall." Alas, she is kind, and in my opinion, she's being a doormat.

I think the children could be testing you, but I find it strange that you married but didn’t have much to do with your wife’s children not all children are disrespectful my husnba d is a step parent to two of mine, none of mine when young disrespected me or their step dad, they were given boundaries maybe hers aren’t then she has made a Rod for her own back, if they are throwing tandrums at the smallest things then good luck to you but I’d say if you try to interfere by saying something about it to their mother she will most be making excuses for them and won’t welcome your comments, they sound very spoilt only being decent when they get something, doubt if the situation will change now

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

It matters not how they behave.

It is not up to the OP to criticise and to write about them on social media - what is he thinking?

If he does think.

pascal30

I suggest you continue living in separate houses until the girls leave home and then review the situation.

I totally agree with pascal30. Without the girls being around you may both get on just fine. Most women will put their children first and won’t like it if you criticise. Living in separate houses isn’t too unusual these days and can be good for a harmonious relationship.

Cossy

Btw, I meant to also say, when you marry someone with children you really need to make a relationship with any children too, they come as a package

Agreed Cossy. But this OP doesn't even want to visit the house when they are there..

Btw, I meant to also say, when you marry someone with children you really need to make a relationship with any children too, they come as a package

I have two biological daughters and on step daughter, she was 11 when she and her father met, and she’d not lived with her father since her parents divorced when she was 4.

All of them were awful teenagers!

However we now have a fabulous 40 year old, with a great job, house, partner and son, and one daughter is a school teacher and one is a manager in the Civil Service.

All in their own ways really tested us in their teens, all are now lovely adults.

Sadly, this is pretty normal for teenagers.

Also, the girls may resent you marrying their mother.

I’m guessing you have no biological children?

My DM was widowed when we were very young children. I later asked her why she didn't remarry.
She gave a few reasons;
A) She didn't meet anyone whom she loved enough.
B) with 3 small DC it wasn't easy to meet anyone in those days
C) We 3 were very possessive of her and wouldn't have allowed her to!

I can remember her having dancing partners and one boyfriend giving us a huge box of chocolates before they went on a date, so she was probably correct. We didn't take these men seriously!

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

JdotJ

American OP

Well spotted.
Yes, I've seen it now, too.

M0nica

David49 your girls were being brought up ina happy secure home with their biological parents. These girls have suffered family disruption and now their mother has this funny on off marriage with the man who wrote the OP. We know nothing about their father/s. No wonder they are selfish and demanding.

Yes, having a step mother or father makes it much more difficult because children often take sides, or be deliberately disruptive.

I'm amazed that a adult can not only go into a relationship, but actually get married, without checking how their intended other relationships are.

American OP

My credulity is being stretched.

eazybee

^I suspect you have rather rosy memories of your childhood. Either you parents ruled you with a rod of iron, or your memory plays you false.^
No Monica, that is not true.
My parents did not rule me with a rod of iron, and I exhibited my fair share of teenage angst, but I would not have behaved in the way these girls are behaving, nor would my children have behaved like this in front of others, I have seen this behaviour in a few teenage children of friends and they are the ones who go on to do badly at school, drop out of college, lose their jobs, borrow money and sponge off their parents constantly.
There are far too many apologists for bad manners and laziness in helping in the home.
I have no doubt these girls will wreck their mother's marriage.

Perhaps they're completely different when visitingwhen isn't around.

As M0nica says: These girls have suffered family disruption and now their mother has this funny on off marriage with the man who wrote the OP. We know nothing about their father/s

The OP doesn't sound as if he got to know these girls at all before he married their mother.

It sounds like a strange set-up all round. Quite farfetched, in fact.

I suspect you have rather rosy memories of your childhood. Either you parents ruled you with a rod of iron, or your memory plays you false.
No Monica, that is not true.
My parents did not rule me with a rod of iron, and I exhibited my fair share of teenage angst, but I would not have behaved in the way these girls are behaving, nor would my children have behaved like this in front of others, I have seen this behaviour in a few teenage children of friends and they are the ones who go on to do badly at school, drop out of college, lose their jobs, borrow money and sponge off their parents constantly.
There are far too many apologists for bad manners and laziness in helping in the home.
I have no doubt these girls will wreck their mother's marriage.

David49 your girls were being brought up ina happy secure home with their biological parents. These girls have suffered family disruption and now their mother has this funny on off marriage with the man who wrote the OP. We know nothing about their father/s. No wonder they are selfish and demanding.