her spoilt children

This is just my take on your problem.

I realise you and your wife are often apart for reasons of looking after elderly parents in Canada and America- so from a distance you aren't really going to improve the situation. The things that improve the situation rely on a consistent and predictable attitude/approach by the parent(s) which you cannot offer (even if the mum wanted that) - because you just aren't there full time.

All the conversations about the things that she finds difficult will have to be had by your wife as she is the full time person on the scene. The fact that you also find this difficult, I think is a side issue as really you are still there as a "visitor" at the moment.
If she has tolerated 6 hours of TV or eating and leaving food about the house or clothing scattered etc then that is the normal thing in this family and without mum being focused on change and enlisting the help of her daughters it just won't happen.

If she is repeatedly complaining to you maybe she has got to the point where she wants it to change.
If I were her I'd probably want to sit down with my daughters and explain why I need to change and ask them (as young adults) how they think i could achieve that change. I'd point out the benefits of the change and would hope they would want to help. In my experience even grumpy teens will try to help if they can see a clear way to do so.

It is well documented that we all like our own ideas best. They need to develop ideas about change for themselves and also see pay offs.
When I wazlooking for help at home I'd often explain how I thought what I wanted might be useful to others (I.e. them)

I don't think this driver of change is really a role for you - but if you see even small positives you can comment on them (without being patronising).

You need to see how committed to change your wife is first I think.

Good luck.

Allira

mabon1

Made your bed now lie in it.

But - don't upset others who were in the bed already.

agreed

David49

I’m actually surprised the OP married while the daughters were that age, I’ve recently re married and that was a redline - no children at home. As the incomer you are going to get all the blame, try to interfere and it will be worse, with 3 screaming at you you can’t win

live and learn - I have no experience with live in teens

mabon1

Made your bed now lie in it.

But - don't upset others who were in the bed already.

Made your bed now lie in it.

Are they screaming at him or ignoring him?

I've lost track.

I’m actually surprised the OP married while the daughters were that age, I’ve recently re married and that was a redline - no children at home. As the incomer you are going to get all the blame, try to interfere and it will be worse, with 3 screaming at you you can’t win

I think their mother should stop complaining to you about themYou willl never form a relationship with them if you don’t acccept them as YOU find them not based on mums irritations All mothers willl moan about their kids at some time my own daughter was the teen from helll BUT if anyone else had said it I would have been livid mine were all very well thought of outside the home but wee teenage nightmares in it.Surely that’s how it should be home is where they try their wings and it’s their soft place to fall when things go wrong.Dont think a mum who moans is a big deal .We,ve allldone it I,m sureexcept for those on here who raised angels..and they are few and far between

I think certain teenagers need a balanced message with one being love and acceptance and the other being "cut that effing sh*t out NOW" a blend of kind fun mother and these are the rules father energy. A slight touch of fear of a parents wrath, not too much but a little. A sugar and space does not prepare a person for the chaos of the world. Unfortunately not being their actual father I am not the person to provide that fatherly piece and they are behaving poorly wth no guide rales.

I've not forgotten it.
I was always perfectly happy for people to inform me of my child's misdemeanours.

I'm not so ecstatic to hear about my grandsons, but it's for me to deal with, nobody else.

MissAdventure

I wouldn't allow anyone (apart from my mum) to ever correct my child, let alone discipline them.

I would.

Everyone seems to have forgotten that "it takes a village to raise a child."

I wouldn't allow anyone (apart from my mum) to ever correct my child, let alone discipline them.

Allira

paddyann54

My friend threw her husband out because he insisted her son be disciplined by him.Shesaid she could always find another man but she only had one son and no chance of another I think I would do the same it’s different if it’s a parent but a strange man laying down the law? no chamce

Very wise woman.

She shouldn't have married him in the first place.

paddyann54

My friend threw her husband out because he insisted her son be disciplined by him.Shesaid she could always find another man but she only had one son and no chance of another I think I would do the same it’s different if it’s a parent but a strange man laying down the law? no chamce

Very wise woman.

Grammaretto

visitingwhen as you say you have no experience of teens beyond your own, may I suggest you make an effort to acquire some knowledge, at least by reading books on the subject. There are many.

Are you perhaps waiting until the children leave home before starting your married life properly?

It all sounds a sorry situation.

thank-you - I will tough it out and man up - they can be themselves and I will keep my distance without having my distance be a problem for my wife or them

visitingwhen as you say you have no experience of teens beyond your own, may I suggest you make an effort to acquire some knowledge, at least by reading books on the subject. There are many.

Are you perhaps waiting until the children leave home before starting your married life properly?

It all sounds a sorry situation.

paddyann54

My friend threw her husband out because he insisted her son be disciplined by him.Shesaid she could always find another man but she only had one son and no chance of another I think I would do the same it’s different if it’s a parent but a strange man laying down the law? no chamce

I have never and would never utter a word to these teens other than minimal considerate friendly banter. My sole role is to treat their mother well.

My friend threw her husband out because he insisted her son be disciplined by him.Shesaid she could always find another man but she only had one son and no chance of another I think I would do the same it’s different if it’s a parent but a strange man laying down the law? no chamce

Why tolerate subpar behavior from young adult children when the world wouldn’t? Won’t it confuse them when their acting out is later decisively rejected by boyfriends, employers, roommates, or professors? Isn’t it a parent’s responsibility to prepare their children for the real world? If these were my children, I would be firm and unwavering—they wouldn’t get away with the behaviour their mother is currently tolerating. I would take a hammer to the TV and 100% of privileges would be cut off.

Baggs

Perhaps, having been married to what you call a "psychotic prick", your wife has never had much help with parenting and now she is asking you, her husband, to help her. Not surprising given her rude offspring. Did they learn it from their dad?

According to Gen Z persons, it's perfectly 'normal' for someone to have an actual father and a stepfather.

These girls observed their father treating their mother like crap, with no consequences, for their whole lives. No wonder they think it is ok to act up. The guy has been fired from 6+ jobs, he is a loser.

It’s likely amplified by the divorce, and I’m simply ill-equipped to deal with it. It’s not their fault that I can’t handle it—it’s my own. I’m just not sure how to be about it.

Just don't. Let your wife and her ex-husband deal with them.
Unless you can be a positive influence don't even try.

Sago

I only clicked on the thread to see what kind of person would use such a rude title.

“her spoilt children”

I suggest the OP has little idea of what it’s like to be a teenager or a parent.

It's fun, though!

Cossy

I too disagree! We don’t actually know what these three girls have actually done ?

Also not sure if “like” my new step-father that much if he called my biological father a “psychotic dick” and suggested “ripping the TV” off the wall??

Well, I should RTWT because I missed that!! (Was out socialising).

What?
Totally unacceptable. No wonder they are behaving badly.

I'd have given him hell if my mother had married him.
Not that we had a TV.

Is this for real?

I only clicked on the thread to see what kind of person would use such a rude title.

“her spoilt children”

I suggest the OP has little idea of what it’s like to be a teenager or a parent.

Cossy

I too disagree! We don’t actually know what these three girls have actually done ?

Also not sure if “like” my new step-father that much if he called my biological father a “psychotic dick” and suggested “ripping the TV” off the wall??

AND YES if they were my children and they talked to me the way they talk to my wife I would remove the TV from the house that they like to lay in front of for 6 hours and not lift a finger to help with anything and they would lose all privileges that I pay for. I would not be a door mat.