Fighting the temptation of telling my daughter exactly what i think of her

Dont comment...until ...If and when she asks for money tell her:

I have lent you £xxx over the years. You still owe me £xxx.

I am not willing to keep lending money knowing I wont get it back. This messes up my own financial planning

I know you are in a difficult position and I hope you can find a way to sort the problem for yourself.

She might well rant at you. Just repeat. If she estranges tell her you miss her and miss the grandchildren; that you are sorry she feels she has to do that but you still cant lend her money. And be strong. Tough love like this is needed. I know how very hard this is 💐

Norah

Ignore that which you dislike and love your daughter.

Easy really.

‘Ignore which you dislike and love your daughter’. You think?
I bet it’s not so easy when you are actually living in that situation.
Rather a pointless comment in my opinion!

As much as you want to tell her how to live her life it's best to stay silent.
She is a grown women and needs to stand on her own feet. If she asks for money refuse, it's the only way she will learn.
The world I feel sure is full of people who are irresponsible but you cannot do anything about it.
Keep if you can on speaking terms it's best for your GC they may need you at some point in the future.
I probably don't need to say this but tell them you love them very much and think about them all the time.
If your daughter does not want you to visit send the little ones post cards with lots of loving words so they know someone cares about them other than their mother.
It is a very difficult situation you are in but you daughter needs to sort herself out without you offering advice. If she asks for advice give it otherwise keep quiet think of the children.

There must be a bigger backstory here...i too am wondering what the history is here. She is in her 40s amd hasnt grown up. First off... does your daughter know how much you love her...how much you appreciate her and how there is no negative comparison whatsoever with her sister? Not excusing bad behaviour but it does sound as tho she has deeper emotional problems- perhaps also ADHD..struggling to be organised, sensitive to criticism hence walking out of the job. Don't lend money. Give it or say no. But please tell her you love her very much and don't tell your other daughter any of this..be a loyal mum. X

Telling someone they are thoughtless, childish and irresponsible is hardly going to endear them to you, and they most certainly won’t listen because they will go on the defensive. It sounds as if your dd has issues and as exasperating as it is you need to be a little more if not a lot more understanding. My eldest dd and youngest dd situation is not dissimilar. It has always been that way. I have to bite my tongue, be supportive and try to get onside. I too have “lent’” money in the past but no more. Fortunately no gc involved.

Is there any possibility of your daughter being ADHD? I’m asking tentatively as some of the behaviors you mention echo traits recognized with this condition. Women historically being much later diagnosed than males as they apparently have been able to mask symptoms.

You need to let your daughter know how you feel, she is in her late forties as you say so not a wilful teen or twenty something.
An adult conversation needs to take place and if it results in her storming off and another estrangement then take a back seat and let her get on with life without your help/money.
I am imagining the GC are older now, so know you well enough to be able to see you independently if they so wish. That would be a big help to them am sure.

Don't compare her to her sister. That will really make things blow up.

If you continue to help this daughter out with money, you are, unless you make similar gifts to her sister, or state clearly in your will that all gifts she has received are to be deducted from her inheritance, you care being grossly unfair to your responsible daughter.

And perhaps you are enabling your iresponsible daughter so she can continue to live the way she does.

Why do you keep giving her money! She’s got you round her little finger! She needs to realise you won’t always be bailing her out! Needs to get her priorities right . I feel sorry for her children and you because you are trying to help. She won’t change though if she hastnt had a sensible head on her shoulders in her early fourties’ she isn’t going to. Debbi58 has to right idea, I would do the same

Ignore that which you dislike and love your daughter.

Easy really.

One of my twin daughters is like this , except she's never worked. They're coming up to 32 now. One is a primary school teacher , does everything by the book. My other daughter is really hard work, irresponsible, selfish etc . She had 2 girls by one man, haven't seen or heard from him in years . And a son by a different man, also absent. We've propped her and the children up for years . Eldest granddaughter is 14 now . We get nothing back , no money thats been lent . No birthday or Christmas cards from her , it's just take take. So this year, we just stopped bailing her out . We realised she was never going to change, so we had to change , how we reacted to her. No big confrontation or row, if she asks to ' borrow ' money , I say , sorry I'm short myself this month etc. if she asked me to have the children overnight, I only do it occasionally now . It's been hard , to change myself, but worth it , in the long run

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again but expecting a different result. Your daughter has a difficult and challenging personality and at her age she is unlikely to change. The only person who can do that is you. Do not give or loan money unless it directly benefits the grandchildren, she is capable of work, leave her to find a job but be available to offer advice or emotional support if needed. Things will not change if she is enabled, she may suddenly grow up but I doubt it. Be a loving and caring grandmother, they will need you.

I think it might be helpful moving forward, and if you are able to, to write off her debts completely and tell her that you are not giving her any more financial help.. you will help her with advice and practical issues but that she has to take responsibility for her decisions from now on..

Difficult, that is for sure. Be very careful. 'Measure' what you say because you do not want to become estranged again. If you are seeing her and your grandchild you at least know what is going on in their lives. If you are not seeing them you will have no idea. She may change and grow up, but she may just be this way. My two adult children are so different. One is very adult and manages their own affairs independently. The other one constantly looks for easy ways out of things. Just likes to bury their head in the sand about everything. Hang in there!

If she managed during the months when she was sulking and wouldn't engage with you, she can probably manage all the time bar absolute disasters.

Stop being so involved in her life. She's an adult. While ever you prop her up she will need a prop.

Your priority has to be the grandchildren, and if you can afford to support them do so, but avoid giving money directly to their mother. Saying what you think won't change her; I am more inclined to the irresponsibly selfish than the
neurally diverse.
I know parents, frequently single mothers, who regularly 'help' their adult children 'because I know how hard it is' who continue to sponge on them for holidays, home improvements, car repairs etc. despite well-paid jobs but are strangely absent when help with illness and reduced income is needed. And never ever consider repaying any money they have 'borrowed.'

how do other gransnetters learn to keep quiet? you ask.

with great difficulty. If you say anything you will be accused of ruining there lives or upsetting them while we suffer upset and bottle it all up and appear 'okay'.

yes I know!

She is who she is and there is nothing you can do to change her at her stage of life.

The only thing you can do is stop enabling her. Stop giving her money and stop comparing her with her sister. Knowing that you are doing that and knowing she is permanently the black sheep of the family will do nothing for your relationship, nor her life style.

You should do your best to love your daughters equally. If they can both see that that will help. You may notlike the decisions and life one daughter has chosen but you should still love her. Your disapproval of her incompetence may well be making it worse.

Is it possible that your daughter is neurally diverse and suffers from ADHD? Perhaps a little googling and reading responsible sources may give you an idea as to whether this is a possibility. If so, talk to your daughter and suggest she seeks assessment and help. If she could see you supporting her and helping her in non-monetary ways your relationship may improve.

Pennyloves

You should NOT lend money to your daughter or any other family member, if you can afford it GIVE them help, otherwise say sorry no.

Lending cause extra tension for her making it worse, you can do nothing to change her personality, dont be judgemental or give opinions/advice, she made her own bed, help out where you can and let her get on with her life.

There will likely be lot of jealousy with her sisters good life, make sure that she understands why you are helping out.

She is in her 40s, time to accept that she is how she is, any money’lent’ to children should be written off if it’s clear that they can’t afford to repay you and comparing her to her sister isn’t helpful.
Could you have a sit down with her to help her to budget? Offering help is far better than constant criticism.

Agree, stop enabling her. Without being confrontational tell her why.. She might limit contact as she appears selfish but you are only putting off the inevitable.

Homestead62 is spot on

No more money and as each situation arises, sit down and discuss it with her. I know many who have bailed out family for years, but when THEY needed help you didn't see them for dust. They all show their true colours when the cash machine dries up. The only exception is if it affects the grandchildren. However, I would still say I'm unable to offer financial assistance. Sadly, some folk are takers and will keep on taking if you let them.

Okaaay......