Dilemma over loaning money

It would depend on what they wanted the money for, a house no problem many othe “useful” causes, maybe a work van, not a car, holiday or anything frivolous.

I would give it as a gift, making loans to family is bad news when you expect it to be repaid they can’t. So either gift it or say sorry no.

I've loaned money for a new kitchen and also money towards a house deposit to 2 of my adult children. They have both paid me back every penny.
My friend, however, borrowed twice from me but I never saw a penny back despite asking several times. Smaller sums though as both were less than £100. Fast forward 3 years later she came to my home asking to borrow £150 for her electric bill. I said no and closed the front door.
Unless you can afford to lose it don't lend it OP

I disagree with the gifting your children money. I have just lent my DS 10k. It's a loan as I need it too. I will get it back, all be it slowly

M0nica

We sorted both DC's fiancial affairs out when they both individually got themselves into a financial mess at university. We most emphatically made them pay it back. Like BlueBelle, we set up monthly DDs.

We wanted our children to learn that money does not grow on trees, and that if they get into a financial mess they have to sort it out and pay everything back the,selves.

It worked. They are now in their 50s and have been models of financial rectitude since. now, of course, wedo give them money, but randomly and, generally, projet directed.

I have seen and advised too many people who constantly bailed their children out of every problem and seen the damage it does to the children and also the relationship between parent and child, for me ever to make that mistake myself.

How I agree, I have always lent my children money but it has always been paid back before they have any more. How else doe they learn mot live within their means.??

Take a tip from me, don't lend it. I did £12,000.00 and have ever seen a penny of it although I am now having to live frugally.

If thisis a second marriage for both of you, are there other children to consider. Where did the inheritance come from and is that an issue?

Any recent updates?

There seem to be a lot of gaps here that might figure into the advice we give:

It seems too often an unrelated spouse and grown child get into a tug-of-war over the parent/spouse's money, in a way that wouldn't occur if it was their child together.

Is your husband in any way at fault for whatever led up to his son's current, seemingly not very good, situation, or for his son not being much in his life? Is he trying to make up for actual mistreatment or neglect of his son?

What would this boat be for? To live on, to repair and resell, to make money by fishing or other use of it, or strictly for pleasure?

Does the son have any disabilities or addictions and does he have a stable work history? Him living with his mother at 40+ years old doesn't sound good but it could be a preference rather than a need or maybe he was even the one helping his mother out.

Regardless, I agree with those who think it's generally wiser to give money rather than lend it.

petra

I doubt that the OP is still reading all this advice.
She posted in December 24 and only replied once on the same day.

You never know, she may come back to see what advice we have offered.

Personally, if the young man is bent on buying a boat to live on, then I’d be inclined to offer to pay for the cost of a hull survey to make sure it isn’t going to sink any time soon. A survey, from a suitably qualified surveyor, will cost in the region of £500, plus the cost of getting it out of the water (and putting back in afterwards) which, depending on whether it is lifted out by crane or trailered out up a slipway, will add on a further £300+.

Costs to be considered when buying a boat are a licence from the waterway authority that the boat will be on (ours is the Canal and River Trust); insurance (from £200 - £300 average) and mooring fees - unless he intends to keep travelling around on it. Mooring fees cost anything from £1,000 upwards, depending whereabouts in the country you are (London being dearer than, say, Yorkshire waters).

I hope this helps.

Oh, and the boat will also need a Boat Safety Certificate, renewal every 4 years at a cost of £200.

I doubt that the OP is still reading all this advice.
She posted in December 24 and only replied once on the same day.

My son has a boat which he bought from his father at market price. It has been well maintained but even so, a problem arose not long after which cost a lot to rectify. Then there are mooring fees and other predictable costs. Ok if the owner can afford it, but not for someone who is struggling.

Spending 10K on a houseboat is no different from taking the money and tossing it away in the water. Your DH and his son are definitely deluded if they feel this is a wise investment. But for me the big question is whether your DH will be funding this 'investment' from marital savings or from a separate pot of money that has nothing to do with you. Clearly, his son isn't your son and marital monies are just that - between the two of you. Can you personally afford to give away £5,000? It's a simple question. If you can why not give it to charity where it will do some good. If you can't then tell your husband that you're not in agreement with his proposal. Once you become involved in financing this 'new accommodation' you'll find it hard to say no when the son comes back when the boat's rotting and needs maintenance. It will become a bottomless pit that continuously calls for more baling out (excuse the pun). As for 'gifting' rather than 'loaning' to family members I wonder whether people gift unconditionally - I mean would they gift knowing there was a strong possibility of that gift going down the drain?

Sorry about the random apostrophe !

I say it as one who has seen our life’s savings go on the ‘dream boat’ it’s maintenance and annual costs .

This will be a bottomless pit ….

If you both are willing and want to 'help?' him - make a gift. You'll always resent the fact he didn't repay a loan - but you clearly think he will not.

Some good advice here but I will add my own perspective.

I know nothing about boats but my ex-partner decided he was going to buy one to 'do up.' When I went to the boatyard with him I was honest about the one he wanted to buy and he did listen but then bought another one. He knew nothing about boats and didn't listen to any advice. Our relationship was on the ropes by then and I think the boat was abandoned and probably sank.
So my advice on that one is only of people know anything about boats should they consider buying one. I would try to tell DH that he should weigh up whether the boat would ne an investment for him. If not, leave alone.

I also had a 'step' son who led a dissolute lifestyle. I would have been guarded about investing in him too, unless he had made any attempt to grow-up. He didn't, and that relationship went too.

I now have a son who lives with me about the same age. Would I allow his father to invest that sort of money in him? No I would advise against it, even though it might seem like a mirage of independence it would just be storing up problems for later on.

Just my take on it. You are not mean- you are sensible. Go with your gut which screams to me that you think DH may as well stand on the mooring site and throw his money in the water...

If the money your husband is considering lending his son, knowing full well that it will never be paid back is your and his joint savings or legacy, I would put my foot down very firmly in your place.

If, on the other hand it is your husband's money, it is more difficult to do anything other than caution him against being so generous.

A man in his 40s, who has just received a legacy should not be needing a loan.

What you do here depends on a few considerations:

how you and your husband are placed for money - can you afford to loose this amount, or not?
how unpleasant life is going to become if you and DH argue about this
and if you know from prior experience that your step-son will not repay the loan.

If your husband is determined about this, perhaps you could suggest that buying the boat in his name and renting it to his son might be the better bet, if any of you are knowledgeably about boats, that is.

A boat that looks like a wreck probably IS a wreck.

I think that you really need to take a step back from the boat thing and look at what it has made you think about your own finances. It seems as though you are not sure either on your own or with your husband exactly where you are and how you see the future for yourselves, so this may give you a very good opportunity to discuss your own finances. If you can do this without making it a connection to the boat issue, hopefully you can actually get together and just work our both your present and possible future financial situation. Then you will have a clearer view of your own situation and you may be surprised, either pleasantly or otherwise about how things stand.

So if you overall see that the two of you are in a good situation then you may feel better about giving this money to the son, because I think you also need to ensure that your husband does not live in cloud cuckoo land and realistically sees that it is a gift not a loan. Then this may lead on to discussion as to whether this is actually in the best interest of the son. If this is going to be a one off amount of money that your husband can afford to give him, would it not be better to put it into something safer with some interest that he might use, or something like that. ?

We have had boats of all sorts from canal boats to old sailing yachts and I know that we had a lot of pleasure from particularly the sailing yacht and also sailed up to scotland which cost us only £8 for the three of us as we only put the engine on to go into a harbour. But there are definitely warning bells from the houseboat, I could see it being an ever open pit for money. Perhaps the best thing would be to get a qualified boat yard person to go over it and give you a realistic idea of the costs of repairing it and whether it would be worth the time and the money, before you spend any more money. If you pay for this ,and make it clear that it will not be a job coming to their boatyard, you should get a realistic idea of both cost and time scale and then have a clearer idea of whether this is even a possible idea. Also by getting a knowledgable person to do the vetting of the boat, you are keeping out of it and their opinions will be clearly business like and there will be no sense of personal thoughts altering or affecting the outcome. You could either just ask someone appropriate to check it over and give you a written report, or you could all be there and hear what they have to say , so that once again having the independant person there you are not pushed into a situation where your common sense approach is seen as deliberately against the sons idea.

Hopefully, from a situation which seems fraught with problems for you all, you could actually end up in a better place, where you have a clearer view of your own situation, you have shown respect for the sons idea without committing yourselves to the costs, and although it sounds rather pessamistic, I think that besides the concrete knowledge of future costs for your husband and yourself, then you need to have some financial backup for some unknown situation that might arise in the future for y ou both. It is clear that you could not depend upon his son to be able to be helpful to you in the future or to rely on him in any way. One other possibility is that you might look at your own situation, and for example if you think that in the future ou would leave X amount to him, you could allow if the money was available, for a certain amount to be given now, but on the clear understanding that this means that he will not have this money to come to him later.

Perhaps, before you do any of this, you have a close respected friend or trustworthy person who you could go through this with , so that you have can check your own feelings out and follow through how you think things will change depending on what you decide to do.You need to see all the possibilities so that you have thought about how you would feel if whatever you do, means that there are either serious arguments between you and your husband or it means that there is some sort of emotional blackmail by the son etc. This will allow you to think what you might do in any specific way. Then you should be able to talk to your husband in a calm way as you will have looked at the various possibilities. Do hope that at the least you both go forward knowing more about not only your financial situation but being closer to each other. Best of luck.

My son says never loan money. Only freely give without intention of being repayed. He is only 35 and you and them and all of us KNOW he is right.

Aldom

You have not said, but I am wondering if there's a specific reason why your husband is considering offering a loan to his son. Is the son experiencing some sort of difficulties?

it's not a "loan", it is a gift and it will never be paid pack nor appreciated. If DH is ok with that, fine. Giving the money might help and save someone and it might handicap a person, one has to be there to make that assessment I suppose.

Without more detail it is difficult for posters to know what we would do.

You say you have a small inheritance that has to last you. If that is significantly over £10k (people's idea of 'small' varies hugely) and you have other income from pensions or elsewhere, then it might be ok to lose the money. If, on the other hand, the £10k represents your security and you are on the state pension only, it is a different matter.

It's further complicated by the fact that this is hour husband's son, not yours, and we don't know where the inheritance is from. Is it yours, your husband's or a joint one? If it is his inheritance and his son, there is an argument for it being up to him what he does with it. If it is his son and your inheritance, on the other hand, it's rather different. If you deal with money as being jointly owned, then you both need to agree before it would be wise. Alternatively, if he wants to do it and you don't, would a gift of £5k help the son, as a compromise? If that happened, you should get the other £5k to save or spend as you wish though.

There is also the matter of the son having been hardly in touch with his father. Is your husband seeing this as a way of 'paying back' for old problems? I don't think that is ever likely to work, unfortunately. Resentments need to be worked through, as they will still be there regardless of any 'pay offs', and an attempt to use money like this could even make things worse.

Nothing wrong with lending money to children. I have done just that -to my 3 children - interest free ofcourse. and a proper Agreement signed. And I have also gifted money to them, when I downsized, and had some spare cash. This was well over 7 years ago and so, will not be liable for Inheritance Tax.

TBH I wonder why you ask the question on an open Forum Flol22, as none here know of your circumstances.

I have a small pot of money I loan to young friends interest free, and I have never been let down. It's a choice I make, and can afford to lose, and it has truly made a huge difference. When it comes back, I keep it aside until it can help another, and so it goes round.

For one friend, it was exactly for this- to help with the renovation of the house boat he had bought to live on. He has done all the work himself, and now the boat is ready for his new life- when he can, he will pay it back, I am sure.

You don’t mention your age, but we are 69, retired and are very aware that we have no hope of any more money coming in for future retirement funds. My DH has very sensibly invested what we do have for anything we might need in the future. There comes a point in our lives when we have to think of this. At your son’s age we did not ask our respective parents for a penny and they would have said no in any case. All our money had to be worked for by us both. Don’t put your future in peril. Your DH son an adult now.

If the son hasn’t asked for a loan then I wouldn’t offer one, as he would have no motivation to pay it back and probably no means to do so.
If your husband wants to help his son then surely it has to be a gift. Whilst his inheritance is his to use, how is it going to affect your joint plans for the future? There is no guarantee this money will ever be repaid.
I’m another one who is not in favour of parents always bailing adult children out. It does not teach them how to manage for themselves.