Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

Yes unfortunately my children and grandchildren have to some extent been affected.

I tried hard to be a much better mother and I'm sure I am but I made a lot of mistakes

Allowing her to be in our lives was one of my biggest mistakes but I can't turn the clock back now

Willow. My father was a vile man. His sisters and brother were lovely, homely, good people.

I was abused by a parent at home where I should have been safe and protected by my parents, but it was not safe. Buried it and buried it until I had my girls when intrusive memories returned. To protect them I never saw him again and they never did.

I shoukd have confronted him in life but he still scared me. He died at a hospital. I went there, saw him dead, still shaking with fear said what I never had the courage to say before. 70 years on I still get intrusive flashbacks.

Parents, they f**k you up as the poem goes. I hope I havnt f**ked mine up but it has affected family relationships. I know now it’s not my fault and I am not the only person who has experienced this trauma but the sad thing is I thought for years it was just me.

My older brother left home at 18, I left at 19 younger brother' left at 16 and joined the army.
I have only one friend, she knew what I was going through but of course as children couldn't do anything to help me.
I didn't take anyone home as it might have been very clean but who knew what he would kick off about.
Even now I struggle to make a friend.

Fortunately I met a good man otherwise I would have done anything to get away.

I'm sad that others have been through similar times.
But remember WE are worth more than them. They were bad people.
My mums excuse for my dad was 'he grew up in poverty' but none of his
brothers or sisters acted like him.

💐💐💐💐

Golly.So many of us. Mother and Father broke up. Given to Aunt to bring up. Brought up to think I was thick and ugly.Threatened re not turning out like mother. Psychological abuse mainly. I turned out to be bright and attractive. Have recently found via DNA that father was not my father and Grandfather also was different. Not that I have met either of the /deceased.
Have now found real family members. All lovely and very bright. It has done me good. So brought up by non family. Only really liked one of them and will always treasure her and her family.
But hurt never goes away. I was treated as not good enough. Glad I found out before too late. Good wishes to you all.

What I didn't mention was that my mother adored my three children and they her. She also loved my husband like a son.
I could never figure why it was me, she couldn't love.

pascal30

I'm sad to hear these terrible stories and I think you have all recovered to the extent of having your own children and importantly not repeated any of the patterns.. You might still have painful memories but you have all proved to be strong resilient women..
and you even had your mother at your daughter's wedding Ziggy.. Amazing women...

Thank you. No one else in the family would take her to the wedding venue, some distance from her home. She refused to pay for a taxi, so i offered for the sake of my daughter
Her behaviour was appalling, trying to be the centre of attention but we made sure she wasn't
The morning after the wedding she had a complete temper tantrum and she was totally ignored

The wedding was a success

Job done

Oh she wasn't invited to my 2nd wedding

i was the eldest and quite bright. could read books when I was about 4. But that was a rod to beat me with. If my sister or brother did something wrong, they would be told off , but I would also be told off as "I was the eldest and should have stopped them. Somebody of your intelligence should know better" Always remember rushing in from junior school aged 8 and saying to my mother " Mum ,Mum I got 98 out of 100 for maths" Her reply? "What did you lose the other 2 marks for ? Carelessness!" Nothing I did was praised and I always felt sick when I had a report to bring home in case it wasnt acceptable. My wonderful grandmother was the only person who gave me unconditional love , for which I am very grateful and remember her with much love etc. So after many years always striving to be good enough, I actually one day thought , whatever I do it will never be enough. I then "divorced " my parents. Stopped going to see them , but wanted to know how they were, and kept in touch with my brother who told me how things were. It was very sad and I never lost the wish to be good enough, and to feel sad when friends told me of the lovely things their families did etc. But at least that awful tightening of the stomach and shortness of breath every time I went to see them went. It was very difficult but I never saw them again and did not go to their funeral. Of course they left me nothing but it didnt surprise me. Life was very difficult at that time but I was so lucky to marry my second husband who was a wise and lovely person, and things like birthdays theirs or mine would make me feel very sad but know that if i went to see them it would solve nothing and they would still hurt me. I have been near to tears when I hear someone talking of a family get together and how they all miss each other etc.I know it is no good looking for that but I have the memory of my husband and my granny so I know that I was loved by someone. I am near to tears now writing this, there is nothing I can do about the past, but now , and only in the last year or so, I am coping with cancer and live alone, and am able to think it is alright to g o somewhere just because I want to. that I am entitled to something from life. So I am grateful for loving friends who understand why I am cautious about saying what I like, as it would have been used against me previously. If I tell someone I like something they will have power over me and stop me having or doing the think I like. i am 79 and have done many things and lived abroad etc. People tell my I have had ano interesting life etc etc but I would have given it all up in a heartbeat to have the love my best friend had from her parents. It is very tiring to have the protective walls up around you all the time and constantly thinking what is safe and how not to give people power over you. what a waste of time and energy over all these years.The one good thing is that I have done my best never to do that ot anyone else and to help anyone I can

Such sad stories.

I can’t bear my soul on a public forum. Too horrific.
My parents were loving and lovely.
They never knew.

As to do we get over such stuff?
I did.
Buried it for years. It resurfaced when one of my girls reached a certain age in infant school. Triggering I think it’s called. Happened again when my granddaughter was that little age.

No-one knows.
It’s locked inside of me and I’ve learnt to deal with it.
And felt abject sorrow for that little girl who was me.

I think it’s made me resilient (mostly) over the years. Although at my age there are certain doors in my mind I won’t venture through in the wee small hours. Too upsetting, even now.

It’s never the child’s fault Marydoll and am glad you are at peace now.

Marydoll

Yes, similar circumstances. As i mentioned my mother was sectioned in the late 50s, straight jacket, police, the whole works. She was very ill.

About 9 years later, I was about 4 she must have been having night terrors, I was in the bed with her (dad worked nights). I also was terrified. I told dad what was happening. He had words with her, she went absolutely wild with fury, pointing her finger in my face saying "if I ever end up back in that hospital it will be all your fault "

I used to beg my dad to take her to the doctors for years, I just knew she was ill although as a young child i had no idea what was wrong

I'm sad to hear these terrible stories and I think you have all recovered to the extent of having your own children and importantly not repeated any of the patterns.. You might still have painful memories but you have all proved to be strong resilient women..
and you even had your mother at your daughter's wedding Ziggy.. Amazing women...

MissInterpreted

I can relate to this so much. I was born after my parents had been married for 12 years, having been told they'd probably never have children. I think, in that time, my mother had built up this image in her head of the 'perfect child' she could have had - and I never lived up to that, no matter how I tried. Unfortunately, it took me the best part of 40 years to realise that I would never be good enough for her - and our relationship was always fractious, to say the least. I know I was lucky compared to some people on here - she was never physically abusive, but the emotional scars last a lifetime. My heart goes out to all who have suffered as a result of their childhood, whether physically, emotionally or both.

Oh that's sad, after 12 years you think you would have been the light of her life

My mother wasn't physically abusive and I didn't realise until I was a teenager she wasn't a "normal" mother. I was in my 50s before I walked away but by then I was so badly damaged

My whole life was blighted by my mother's inability to show affection and her obvious preference for my younger brother. Sometimes, when I was a child she would ignore me for days or weeks. Nothing I did was good enough. My self esteem has always been low, because of this.

I never had a day's peace once I was married. She was a bitter woman.
It wasn't until after she died, that I discovered she had suffered several traumatic incidents, prior to marrying my father and had at least one breakdown.

I vowed that I would not be that kind of mother, but found it difficult to be demonstrative and affectionate.

Roll on just before the pandemic, I had my first heart attack and reluctantly agreed to psychological counselling. It opened up the floodgates and everything I had suppressed for most of my life came flooding out.
It was cathartic. I had always believed it was my fault.

I have now found peace and am able to show my love and affection for my family. It has been a very long journey.

Thank you. I'm not sure she was cruel. She was a simple Irish country woman with the view that if a dentist/doctor etc told her something needed to be done, she wouldn't question it. We never owned toothbrushes so we never cleaned our teeth. Hard to forgive.

I can relate to this so much. I was born after my parents had been married for 12 years, having been told they'd probably never have children. I think, in that time, my mother had built up this image in her head of the 'perfect child' she could have had - and I never lived up to that, no matter how I tried. Unfortunately, it took me the best part of 40 years to realise that I would never be good enough for her - and our relationship was always fractious, to say the least. I know I was lucky compared to some people on here - she was never physically abusive, but the emotional scars last a lifetime. My heart goes out to all who have suffered as a result of their childhood, whether physically, emotionally or both.

Kate1949

I'm sure you went through this and thank you for this thread.

I have never recovered from my abusive, love free childhood. My mother did her best with seven children and a violent, abusive, alcoholic husband. We were fed and clothed but no holidays, days out, pantomime trips etc. She made sure we had school uniforms etc, mainly by borrowing money from neighbours or Provident cheques etc. I could never invite friends to the house because it was so awful and the fear of something 'going off'. There were many things that happened in that house which I won't go into.

My mother taking me to a dentist aged 11 and letting him take all my teeth out destroyed any iota of self esteem I had. I am 75 now with a lovely family but I don't, and never have, felt as good as other people and I am a nervous wreck. My mother died at 58 when I was 23.

Thank you for reply.

Hard to understand how mothers can be so cruel

Thinking of you xx

Willow11

Ziggy62 in my childhood it was my dad but mum didn't help me.
I was the only girl. Older and younger brother.
Sent to school with thick bruises up my legs.
My crime 'not fast enough to wash and dry the dishes.
Hair cut above my ears 'hairbrush was upstairs and I wasn't allowed to go and get it'
Arm broken 'took a cake before my younger brother'
I could go on and on but fortunately they are both dead now and I didn't care.
In fact I celebrated.

My children have never had a life of fear.
I'm nearly 65 now and only occasionally think about it.
I have a great husband who understands how I was treated and he has always been loving to me and our children.

It was their problem and nothing was my fault.
My brothers are loving me for who I am. They are the only ones who really know what happened.

Oh Willow

That's horrendous

Well done you for being so positive and thank you for the reply

Big big hugs xxx

My brother lives abroad, we talk regularly after many years of not having any contact. He was telling me over Christmas about an incident when I was 7 and he was 5, we were on a foreign holiday (quite unusual in those days). I'd only just learnt to swim, he was using a rubber ring unable to swim, our parents went up to the hotel room for a "nap" , I was left to care for my brother. He got into difficulties in the pool, almost drowned but thankfully a French guy dived in and rescued him.
My brother told me that afternoon he was spanked for going in the deep end of the pool and of course I was giving a good telling off for not looking after him.
Sorry, long story, but what sort of parents what do that?

This year was the first year I haven't enjoyed Christmas. I feel like I've made such an effort all my life to make a normal happy family life, I don't feel like making the effort anymore

Maybe that's what I mean by Can we ever recover?

That should read 'I'm sorry you went through this' not I'm sure.

Willow

I'm sure you went through this and thank you for this thread.

I have never recovered from my abusive, love free childhood. My mother did her best with seven children and a violent, abusive, alcoholic husband. We were fed and clothed but no holidays, days out, pantomime trips etc. She made sure we had school uniforms etc, mainly by borrowing money from neighbours or Provident cheques etc. I could never invite friends to the house because it was so awful and the fear of something 'going off'. There were many things that happened in that house which I won't go into.

My mother taking me to a dentist aged 11 and letting him take all my teeth out destroyed any iota of self esteem I had. I am 75 now with a lovely family but I don't, and never have, felt as good as other people and I am a nervous wreck. My mother died at 58 when I was 23.

Ziggy62 in my childhood it was my dad but mum didn't help me.
I was the only girl. Older and younger brother.
Sent to school with thick bruises up my legs.
My crime 'not fast enough to wash and dry the dishes.
Hair cut above my ears 'hairbrush was upstairs and I wasn't allowed to go and get it'
Arm broken 'took a cake before my younger brother'
I could go on and on but fortunately they are both dead now and I didn't care.
In fact I celebrated.

My children have never had a life of fear.
I'm nearly 65 now and only occasionally think about it.
I have a great husband who understands how I was treated and he has always been loving to me and our children.

It was their problem and nothing was my fault.
My brothers are loving me for who I am. They are the only ones who really know what happened.

I don't know is the honest answer Ziggy, I suppose it depends what you mean by recover.

Some who've had the childhood that you experienced never have families of their own because of their childhood. You did, and you were the mother that your mother should have been.

It wasn't that you weren't good enough for your mother, you were, she just wasn't able to see that you were.

I'm so sorry that you didn't have the childhood that all children deserve. Have you and if not, are you able to talk about this with your brother? Is there a possibility that he may feel as you do?

It is difficult reading about what others planned to do and did over Christmas when you knew it wouldn't be like that for you and it wasn't, but you're not alone in that, even if the reason(s) for others aren't the same .