Why do parents put up with teenagers substandard behaviour?

visitingwhen

It seems like most people in this thread haven’t experienced what I’m talking about and have had well-behaved, great teens—or something along those lines.

Yes, mine were wonderful as are my grandchildren

And "*sshole" is an appropriate term
It might be in the USA but not here in the UK.

My rule when my kids were this age was they could have their rooms however they wanted (until we actually ran low of crockery/cutlery) but if they left the door open and I saw the mess they had to clear it up. It worked quite well and then they grew up and are all very fussy in their own homes. I do threaten to go and mess things up occasionally as pay back. They think I'm joking.

I was brought up very strictly and recall being shocked at the free and easy way most of friends were with their parents .
Some were cheeky and swore and never did chores .
The idea of asking my mother to take me to a clinic for contraception or an abortion would never have occurred to me .
I was determined that I would be more open ,loving and approachable with my own children .
And I was .
On many occasions , I was told that they were exceptionally polite and well behaved .
Since leaving home - they've changed and not for the better !
I find two of my three grandchildren extremely rude and badly behaved .
I know that my children find them hard to cope with .
Good parenting takes a lot of time and devotion !

My son was a nightmare teenager and I am proud that we got through it all in one piece! To be honest it was like an endless obstacle course, trying to balance things and keep some level of communication going. We made mistakes. He made mistakes. We never gave up on him despite the havoc and pain and unhappiness; underneath all of it he knew he was loved and we knew "the real him" was in there somewhere...there were occasional glimpses! He has since apologised for his behaviour in and out the home and we have apologised for our misjudgemebts and mistakes.

What can look and feel like "people tolerating poor behaviour" can actually be "people doing their best to get through a nightmare whilst aiming to ensure that all come out the other side in one piece!"

Perhaps they are coping your attitudes and behaviour?

It seems like most people in this thread haven’t experienced what I’m talking about and have had well-behaved, great teens—or something along those lines.

Judy54

We were all Teenagers once but did not necessarily act in the way you describe. Sometimes Parents make a rod for their own backs by pandering to their Children's needs. Like the majority of Adults they will probably grow out of it once they have their own homes and have to take on responsibilities. Unless they behaved like this in my home then I would probably not spend my time worrying about it.

I was definitely a terrible jerk outside the home as a teenager, but at home, I respected my parents far more than what I’m seeing and hearing around me lately.

Skydancer

They’re mostly like that but grow out of it.

and until then a parent has to put up with endless BS?

Allira

Oopsadaisy1

With all due respect as you aren’t a parent you are only hearing about the bad behaviour, not all the delightful things that a teen can bring to your life.

On the other hand of course some parents let their children of all ages get away with it.

This poster has started threads before.

These are his step-daughters.

I had dinner with other parents last night, and hearing about their children's obnoxious behavior is what has me ask this question. I’m honestly astonished at how some adults seem to let their lives be completely taken over by their children without setting boundaries or consequences. And "*sshole" is an appropriate term. Like these kids who vandalize art in museums or cause havoc in society outside the home or those teens fighting in YouTube videos. Everyone seems so forgiving and accepting of bad behaviour today. It is not that I know what to do but tolerance and acceptance can't be the only move?

Visitingwhen , I think you make a very valid point. I also believe you don't need to be a parent in order to have parenting views. Many teenagers do not behave badly but in my opinion those ' entitled ' teenagers need to mend their ways. Of course I recognize that most teenagers are grumpy and untidy but constant disregard for parents is not acceptable. My ' children ' had their moments that we turned a blind eye to but there were limits!
Old fashioned I know, but teenagers need to respect their parents and not forget the house they live in is not theirs !!

And - heed your own advice to another poster:

visitingwhen Sat 21-Dec-24 00:47:30
be straight

Hope this helps.

This is one of the OP's previous threads about these incalcitrant teenagers.

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1343656-her-spoilt-children?pg=4

May I remind you of how you think they should be dealt with?

visitingwhen Wed 25-Dec-24 17:14:07
I think certain teenagers need a balanced message with one being love and acceptance and the other being "cut that effing sh*t out NOW" a blend of kind fun mother and these are the rules father energy. A slight touch of fear of a parents wrath, not too much but a little. A sugar and space does not prepare a person for the chaos of the world.

Unfortunately not being their actual father I am not the person to provide that fatherly piece and they are behaving poorly wth no guide rales.

Perhaps you could try taking your own advice: "cut that effing sh*t out NOW" and see how you get on.
🙂

Allira

Oopsadaisy1

With all due respect as you aren’t a parent you are only hearing about the bad behaviour, not all the delightful things that a teen can bring to your life.

On the other hand of course some parents let their children of all ages get away with it.

This poster has started threads before.

These are his step-daughters.

I didn’t realise that.

You have to pick your battles that I do remember. I think you have to somewhat "live the whole experience of being a parent to teenagers to understand it" you won't from the outside looking in. The relationship can be very fluid it ebbs and flows.

We were all Teenagers once but did not necessarily act in the way you describe. Sometimes Parents make a rod for their own backs by pandering to their Children's needs. Like the majority of Adults they will probably grow out of it once they have their own homes and have to take on responsibilities. Unless they behaved like this in my home then I would probably not spend my time worrying about it.

Oopsadaisy1

With all due respect as you aren’t a parent you are only hearing about the bad behaviour, not all the delightful things that a teen can bring to your life.

On the other hand of course some parents let their children of all ages get away with it.

This poster has started threads before.

These are his step-daughters.

They’re mostly like that but grow out of it.

Some advice on here, visitingwhen

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1343656-her-spoilt-children?pg=4

*ssholes is not a pleasant way to refer to your step-daughters btw.

With all due respect as you aren’t a parent you are only hearing about the bad behaviour, not all the delightful things that a teen can bring to your life.

On the other hand of course some parents let their children of all ages get away with it.

Perhaps start by not referring to them as *ssholes?

As you are not a parent, you don't address it. Teen-agers are still learning how to behave and, no doubt, their parents deal with them when others aren't there.

As a non-parent, I’m unsure how to address it

Do you have these teenagers staying with you?
If so - your house, your rules.