Hand hold / strength needed as daughter’s horrible partner is visiting her and grandbaby tomorrow

It’s a very difficult situation, but have you tried talking to your daughter about what is going on. Not in a “ he’s horrible” way but treat her as adult to adult, asking her how she feels, and just stress that you are there for her. She ( and partner ) sound young, insecure and vulnerable. After marrying a man I knew drank and womanised, but persuaded me he was just insecure in our relationship and that all that would stop if we married! I thought I was in love and couldn’t stop crying, etc, after he was caught out yet again… but eventually, with help and support from my surrogate mum (my own had died) I began to pull myself together and began to stand on my own two feet. You have the added complication that her partner is the father of her child, but it sounds as if he’s happier being an occasional dad rather than a ‘proper’ full time one. Maybe that is where it should be heading? Try to talk to your daughter without casting any blame anywhere…?

On second thoughts my fust instinct was you draw the line and he does not enter your home. U feel sick etc so you take care of yourself first and she can make own meeting place and they can go to Relate you matter and u must protect your home and u can be resolutely polite you are not comfortable with him visiting as bad u don't have to say why plead mental health anxiety etc because that is your experience and you let your daughter handle her baby daddy/future etc etc. this is a dangerous moment when if you half in half u could end up no contact with d and GB including being blamed by your daughter if things don't pan out.

Act exactly as if you believe the best of him IE leave confidently and you just be there if requested. It's between a man and a woman. He may just be a sad fool who will adjust and turn out and ok dad, your daughter and he may live to be happy can find out themselves. Take dogs out and give him a lovely smile and keep your own counsel. Many a great husband started out a bit of a nit at start of new family.they both lucky to have you.

You definitely need to be there .

This guy sounds like a horrible, weak bully. Stand strong for your daughter and yourself and YOUR home. He needs a good scare and I wouldn’t hesitate to have your local constabulary parked outside. You have good reason for asking for protection.

I agree with everyone here, Dancinghorses.
You are in for the long haul, potentially, so the visit, whenever it comes, is your opportunity to set ground rules.
It's your house, so you stay.
You choose what( if any) hospitality is offered.
You challenge , with a sweet smile, any untruths proferred....etc etc.

Do not change your routine that much- adapt as you would to anyone else visiting. It is your home and you have the control here- no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own space.

That said you should be mindful of your daughter's needs so yes, be led by her in this, at least while she is adapting to the changes herself. She needs to know you are there for her and also keep calm for the baby's sake.

Try not to overpersonalise your reactions to baby's dad. You are on the fringes here and that's where you should try to stay. You say he would present his best self- as if this were a negative thing, but would you really want him ranting and raving instead? Sometimes we all have to present our 'best selves' in order to function, especially around the very young.

In the long term you are in for a bumpy ride here- so although the visit is cancelled for now there will be ongoing issues, and as many have said, feel free to find some handholding somewhere for yourself and your little family.

I wish you well.

I agree with Lathyrus3, don’t leave him alone with your daughter and baby. If you are not there he may start sweet talking your daughter to move back in with him. He may not do that in front of you.

A terrible situation for you and your D who will be feeling exhausted and anxious having so recently given birth.

I think it's a good thing that you do work from home so if he does arrange to come and actually turns up, you will be there which is important for your DD and also good for him to know that she is not alone and has the support she needs from her mum.

He sounds like a real piece of work.
At least your daughter has you to help out with the baby, though I know how tiring this can be as we get older.

Thanks for your comments everyone, I really appreciate your sense in this. It’s hard to think straight at the moment.

Apparently he is now no longer coming tomorrow - some story about his car not working - so this particular worry can be put to one side for now. I will, however, make sure to stay home when / if he shows his face. I’m kind of hoping my two largish dogs show their displeasure too as they have very intimidating barks!!!

I’m d be rattling dishes in the kitchen.

I certainly wouldn’t leave her and the baby alone with him.

Norah

I'd suggest staying in, perhaps just tidying, in and out of rooms.

Someone near is a support, to my mind.

Yes, I also think that you being there sends a message to her partner, that your daughter is not alone so he can’t just say or do as he pleases.

I'd suggest staying in, perhaps just tidying, in and out of rooms.

Someone near is a support, to my mind.

Do keep posting, you need to get this off your chest, and you have an awful lot on your chest right now.
Am so sorry you are going through this, and sorry for your daughter too. I imagine that as a new mum she is feeling vulnerable so I hope her partner doesn’t exploit this. Perhaps if you do hang around your daughter will at least feel that you are in her corner and so will be less likely to cave in to her partner.
Is a very tricky situation. Wishing you luck with this 🌺🙏🏾

He has pushed your daughter out of her home. Do not let him do the same to you. Stay in case your daughter needs you.
Just go from day to day at the present as best you can;a new baby disrupts every thing. Concentrate on her,ignore him;he is enjoying creating havoc and your daughter will eventually see him for what he is.
But not easy for you.

I agree with Barleyfields stay around but keep a low profile. It's a difficult situation for you, good luck.

I think you should stay at home when he comes round. Your daughter may need your support.