Exhausted

May I ask how old you are? How old is this man? Do you have children? Divorces do take time, needs sorting before moving in.

I do understand wanting a partner. Our daughter re-married in her 60s, my brother in his 70s - both happy, but both sorted money fairly.

Perhaps a chat about money and goals would help?

Why would you allow a grown man to live off you? No wonder his son wants stay all the time, you are being used. I think at the very least there needs to be a strong conversation along the lines of "Pay up or ship out". He is not a considerate or decent man.

You sound as if you might be one of those people who instinctively feels a need to have a man in your life.

Why otherwise within 2 years of the breakdown of your marriage are you already living with such an unsatisfactory man?

Perhaps some counselling to help you learn to live happily on your own might help.

It would be nice (and polite) if you let us know if you've solved this or settled for the status quo.

You say that you don’t feel right about this, are you looking for an exit and want us to suggest this?
We can only advise you, it is ultimately your call, and I think you already know what to do.
And no time like the present.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

I'm afraid you have been to accepting and generous and now they are taking you for granted.. Nothing will change unless you create very strong boundaries.. Your partner needs leave as he is not paying his way..
If he sorts out his divorce, frees up some money and is prepared to accept financial responsibility for his own living expenses then maybe he is serious about a future with you..

Why is he still ‘in the process of’ getting divorced? Is this really due to being disorganised? I don’t understand why you would be willing to put up with this man contributing nothing towards his food and your other outgoings. Surely paying the mortgage on the matrimonial home doesn’t eat up all his earnings? He has no incentive to finalise the divorce, does he? He’s living with you free of charge, presumably sharing your bed, having his son to stay and he still has a wife and a house which he at least part owns with her.

The fact that his son wants to stay over (which isn’t at all unusual, I assume you don’t have children) is, frankly, the least of your worries.

Give him a deadline to get his decree absolute and financial matters agreed, and in the meantime insist that he pays his way.

Think very seriously!

You say His adult son always wants to come and stay ( as his dad lives with me) so this boyfriend has actually moved in with you so he has no-where else to stay? Is that right?
And his son comes and stays overnight for free whenever he feels like it? Is that right too?
And you are picking up the tab?

What would you advise a friend in the same situation?
You've got to have "the conversation" haven't you?

I think maybe you are having second thoughts about all of this.

Maybe rebound?

Does he have somewhere else to live?

I’m sure if they’re separated he has no obligation to pay the mortgage and are there any children under 18?

Btw, personally I don’t think it is at all odd to have an adult child to stay overnight. Our children still stay with us.

I can only suggest you sit down with him and both have an honest, open and frank discussion together about what you both really want.

Give yourself a break from this situation as you are finding it exhausting .
As you are finding this man too much and are asking advice from us - then doubt has set in .
I suggest that you tell him how you feel and say that you'd like a break until he sorts himself out.
Enjoy the company of your friends , take a weekend away or go on holiday .
I think that you'll see your relationship in an entirely different light .
Good luck .

Sounds like a cocklodger
As they say on MN.
tell him to sling his hook.

Well, I think that term sums it up pretty well!

they use a work on mumsnet for this type of man cocklodger

I have never understood why women value themselves so little that they are content to be shamelessly used and abused, rather than be happy and fulfilled on their own terms.

Btw, I am divorced , have 3 AC and 6 GC. My life is full, content and busy …..

This seems pretty quick to already be in a two-year relationship after your marriages. I'm wondering if it was more a "rebound" thing and your lives just don't merge that well together. On the other hand, I doubt many couples fit together perfectly. A whole life together gets complicated. Also, I guess I'm not sure what you're after here, since no question was included in your post.

Do you expect him to be able and willing to contribute his fair share financially after his divorce is final? Or is you paying the majority of the expenses likely to be a permanent thing?

I don't know what to say about his disorganization.

I have to say though, that my grown kids would always be welcome at my house, any time and for any length of time. Fortunately, my husband is their father and feels the same way. So I guess working that out is an additional challenge that comes with a second marriage/relationship.

Would taking a step back be a good idea right now? If you each had your own place to live, your finances would be unentangled, his disorganization wouldn't affect you as much and he'd be able to have his son at his place all he wanted. Back up and start over? I don't know. Best wishes.

Call it a day. This is the reason why I have chosen to stay single, despite one or two ‘offers’. I am quite content. But then, we are all different. Good luck 🍀

Do you love this man?

If so, draw up some guide-lines, such as he buys half the food you and he eat when he is at your place, or contributes in some other way to your joint expenses.

Likewise, make it clear that his son is welcome at stated intervals for a meal, or to stay for a day or so once or twice a year, but not just to come, expecting to stay at the drop of a hat.

It sounds to me that these men are doing what is crudely known as sponging on you, so if you don't love him, kick him out now.

If you do love him and want a future with him, I would suggest telling him, he is welcome to see you, but you will not live with him until he has finalized his divorce.

Are you really sure, he is divorcing his wife, or being divorced?