Ex daughter in law problems

Because instead of dealing with her feelings like an adult, she called her DILs mother and “tattled”, trying to bring her DIL to heel.

crazyH

The OP is a mother, worrying about her son. Why is everyone being so hard on her ?

If it was a Mother worrying about her son and had not called the daughter in laws Mother on law I would have more sympathy, but if true she overstepped boundaries, I honestly don't know anyone who would do that.

The OP is a mother, worrying about her son. Why is everyone being so hard on her ?

Jeez, I have read this again, you have no self awareness.

This post is do bad I am hoping it is not true. I also have a feeling that you have meddled before if this is true hence this situation.

Yes you were definitely in the wrong . Meddling in anyone’s marriage is never a good idea . Plus how do you really know your dils part in the marriage breakup. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage, except the couple themselves .
I’m sorry to say but you’ve got a big bridge to build .

Why isn’t he working? What is he contributing towards the upkeep of his children? Sounds to me like poor DiL has three kids to look after.

So your son is living with her while contributing nothing, she is upset and you called HER mom to complain? I think you need to concentrate on YOUR child and leave her be.

With all due respect OP, I think you need to have a rethink about what, or who the problem might be.

Massively MASSIVELY wrong!!
You do not have any right to see your grandchildren.... none of us have. It is ENTIRELY up to the parents whether you have any contact with their children. And contacting your sons in-law was just ridiculous.. totally out of order.
You may see your grandchildren if your son decides to allow it when he has charge of them, but having created this situation and made a poor situation into a bad one... he may decide it is not worth the hassle while he is still living in the marital home.
You need , if you are allowed, to make a grovelling apology to everyone concerned.
And don't take sides... this is not your marriage.

Grace I'm afraid you were in the wrong but I can understand how aggrieved you felt and in years gone by is something I might have done myself. However, as others have said, we cannot interfere at all in our adult children's lives unless they are in danger. I would contact your DIL and apologise, say you were feeling particularly concerned at the time but realise you should not have interfered and hope she can forgive you - even if you don't feel you have anything to be forgiven for.

You might think your son is the innocent partner in this split but we never know for certain what goes on in another person's relationships.

I hope you are soon able to see your GC as before.

I am concerned that I may be at the cause of a rift now

That’s putting it mildly!
I can’t believe you have to ask if you were in the wrong - interfering in somebody else’s marriage and then running to DIL’s mum to bleat about her is 200% in the wrong!
You say you thought she was mature enough to keep the arguments and children separate etc - if only you were!

My goodness you could teach a master class in meddling! You are overly involved in your son’s marriage and I would not be surprised if this was another aspect of the marital discord. You had no business calling your DIL’s mother. You shouldn’t have been discussing anyone’s marriage but your own at all. Decent grans don’t further discord in an already contentious separation. If you love your grandchildren you put your desire to meddle in their parents marital issues far out of your mind. You chose to pick up your phone and cause more drama, an action which I cannot find a single positive spin for. You speak of your DIL’s lack of maturity, yet here you are throwing a tantrum because she won’t do what you want her to do—which she has zero obligations to.

If you truly don’t want to cause more trouble than you already have, redirect all requests to see the grandchildren to their father. The woman is going through a divorce and impending single-motherhood. Leave her to sort her life and you deal with your own son. If the man you raised can’t be bothered to keep his own children connected to his family, that’s a reflection of his own values and character. Your issue is with the one you birthed.

Do stop the drama-mongering. These poor children need stable, loving support through this transition. If your son is failing to ensure you can be a support, at least remove yourself from the middle of the chaos and step back. This isn’t about you.

If your son has remained in the family home for 8 months then he is not trying very hard to leave, can’t he live with you?

As others have already said, yes you are in the wrong.

Good heavens,that is really over stepping boundaries!

Their marriage is nothing to do with you.Of course your ex daughter in law is rightly annoyed by this.How you can think she is not going to retaliate is ridiculous,I would go no contact with you and that would include my children.

I'm not surprised she doesn't want you in her house.. You say the issue of you seeing the GC is a separate issue, but it seems exactly the same to me..

He has plenty of spare time

If your son is still in the family house he can ring the children to visit you when he is looking after them. He has lent of spare time being unemployed.

I don’t see why you have to contact your daughter in law or her mother at all.

As others have indicated, you are likely aware you acted unwisely. . Apologise as best you can and don’t get involved in future.

Yes, sadly.
But I think you realise now.

You say she needs to keep her relationship between her and your son separate to your relationship, but you didn't, you went and brought her mother into it. I can see why she got aggrieved at you, I am sorry your interference has caused this. As a parent of an Adult we must bite our tongues and stay out of martial problems, you can be a sounding board, offer financial help if possible and required but you need to stay neutral . I would apologise to her and hopefully you can resume some sort of relationship with your grandchildren, but keep your opinion to youself.

Yes, you were very wrong to contact your dil’s mother. You obviously said a few unpleasant things. Whether or not they were true is irrelevant. It never pays to interfere in other people’s marriages and, quite frankly, I’m amazed you didn’t foresee the consequences.

Regretfully you are in the wrong, you should not have called her Mother. If my daughters partner became the ex and his Mother rang me she would incur my wrath.
I think you should keep out of it.

Were you wrong? Yes.

Yes, you were in the wrong. Why you would go telling tales to her mother is beyond me - that was always going to cause tension. I'd have been beyond furious if my MiL had done that to me.