A "friend" who refuses to meet me

Dump him

Dump him. He’s having you on.

A friend of mine was invited out for dinner by someone who openly admitted he did this regularly with other female friends, but he also asked that their dinner not be talked about to other people. This friend was unsure if she should go and I told her to stay away from him, as he sounded like a 'player.'

I'm going to give you the same advice. I'm sorry, but he isnt putting you first and that's where you should be in a committed relationship.

I would not have asked her if I can come too and would have just gone along. If I am invited somewhere I presume my husband is invited too.

This is obviously bugging you and you need to have it out with him and possibly speak to her as well. I know this is difficult and you are probably afraid of rocking the boat but it is not fair on you for your partner and Jan to continue in this way as it is clear that she is jealous of your relationship. It looks very much as if she is trying to come between you.

How can I get my message across once and for all?

Tell him straight you want to go along or he doesn't go.

If it were me I'd want to get to the bottom of what the heck is going on between them and make the right decision for myself based on the outcome.

Is it Jan who doesn’t want you there? Or maybe your partner is blaming her but is really the one who wants to keep this woman from you. The thing is that you are a couple now and so socialise as a couple, meeting members of the opposite sex alone is what singles do. My guess is that he is hedging his bets. Keeping Jan on the back burner in case things with you don’t pan out.
Time for a robust convo laying all your cards on the table and insisting that he does the same. And if he sounds as if he just fobbing you off would tell him to jog on.
Life’s too short.

I'd either go to their next get-together with him or make a note of where they are meeting and just turn up, "Hi, my plans got cancelled so I thought I might as well join you. Hello, you must be Jan - good to meet you at last."

This sounds an unusual situation. I’d not be happy about it.

You said it yourself: I don't feel she is any threat to my relationship with my partner. Nevertheless, it is odd and very impolite of her not to want to meet you. And wrong of your partner to conveniently forget that you would like to be included.

I do think you need to stand your ground over this and call their bluff.

Here’s a suggestion. Tell your partner that if he wants to go on meeting Jan without you meeting her, then it’s only fair that you can meet with Jan’s husband (who I assume he hasn't met). Ask him to ask Jan put you in touch. Then you can find out from one of the horsess mouths what this set up is really about. Childish but sometimes when the shoe is on the other foot it pinches.

I’m assuming your partner did have a physical relationship with Jan at one point. If that is the case, his willingness to have sex with a married women would make me doubt his intregrity.

Some years ago, i encountered (via a dating site) a widower who had gathered a coterie of Platonic female friends he had met via the site. He told me he didn’t fancy any of them hence his continued presence on the dating site as he was still looking for someone to have a physical relationship with but he enjoyed meeting them individually for lunch or to go to a show. One of his first questions to me was would I be comfortable with this as it was something he would like to continue were he to find a physical partner. I don’t have a jealous bone in my body but I did think it was an odd request and quite honestly don’t know how I would have felt. There seemed to be quite of lot of them and I wondered how he found the time. He didn’t get to first base with me so the issue didn’t have to be addressed!

I don't see it as much of a problem. I have two male friends who I have coffee with from time to time. Neither of them are friends with my DH and he would not want to come along as none of them would have anything in common. I doubt if your partner sees Jan any differently than he thinks of his male friends. It is a generational thing. Both my AC have friends of the opposite sex and see them fairly frequently. It's much more common these days to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. I don't think your partner has designs on Jan but perhaps she has on him. Having said that, I doubt very much that she is any threat to you.

I am skeptical of the phrase leading separate lives. What does it mean? Does it mean they share a bed, have sex, shop, eat meals and watch TV together and all the usual domestic stuff but have different interests and hobbies? Or do they they have a mutually agreed open relationship and just share a roof? Or do they dislike each other and would divorce but can’t or won’t for financial reasons?

I also have friends of the opposite sex (I am single) but the thing that binds us is a common interest that a partner, if I had one, wouldn’t necesarily share. But I’d still like him to meet them socially even if just once to put faces to names.

Either go along anyway or invite her to your home for lunch

I had to reply to this as wanted to say to you that you sound super level, secure in yourself and tolerant!
I think anyone's response, like any, will entirely depend on past experience of the individual.

My experience of platonic friendship of the other sex, isn't particularly positive unfortunately.
My experience has always been that someone waits in the wings and is usually after something more than a simple friendship.
I used to tolerate it until all of my fears were proved right (both on my side and my past partner's side)
Even relatively recently, long out of teenage hood and out of my 20's...i had a lovely friendship with a man, who I thought of as a platonic friend. Made it very clear I didn't want more, even tried to set him up with a friend etc etc. I think blinded by the thought of a this nice friendship I was utterly shocked to find his messages and suggestions to meet abruptly stopped as soon as I met my partner. I didn't see this coming and still reeling quietly from this. Slightly embarrassed and feel very naive.

I'm sorry, but I couldnt now tolerate my partner meeting female friends. I actually prefer male company....purely because I feel it is simpler (well..i did used to think this but not after several issues with clearly mis interpreted levels of affection/intention!) But it's would alwsys want to be friends with the wife/partner. If there is no attraction nor intention, why would you not be openly friendly with the other ones partner. I'm afraid I've also seen a couple of friends marriages breakdown either openly with affairs starting through friendship and connection or suspiciously close to friendships forming.

I do have one exception and this is a male friend I had at college and this was only ever like a sibling type relationship. Him plus partner have arranged to pop over when down this way in the summer but I would.alwsys message him with the thought in my head that his wife may read the message so I'm mindful to always be myself, respectful etx and ensure things are never taken out of context.
I'm not sure Jan is any threat to the relationship but I'd feel really irritated by my partner not spotting obvious signs that she is a bit overly "complicated " and is possibly making moves

If this was the other way around, I'd be interested to know if he would be ok with it all?
I'd gone he stays away from her,jsut as a sure way of letting her know her behaviour isn't the sort of thing he wants to be part of. Good luck x

I’m pretty sure Mumsnet would say LTB😁

I don't think he was forgetful.. he sounds very self absorbed to me.. why doesn't he listen to you/