Could anyone offer some wise words on a step daughters who openly can't stand me?

I don’t agree with the ‘why marry’ comments. You are just as entitled to marry as anyone else, however I do agree that the SD will view this as a threat to her inheritance, and as much as I hate the expectations of inheritance, I can see the issue as I’m sure you do. Has your fiance explained to SD that you are having pre-nups? That should allay the concerns - it might not improve her behaviour but it’s worth a try.

If she just doesn’t like you, let her get on with it! Bit old for strops & you and your future husband shouldn’t be dictated to by her. I’m sure her father doesn’t dictate her life. Focus on your joint happiness and let him see her on her own, you can’t make people like you.

As for the ex-wife, I’d leave well alone. Their bad behaviour is often forgotten by people who don’t like the new partner (I loathe the term interloper), and really it’s not your battle, I do appreciate your frustrations though.

David, the legal ease with which one can divorce is a Casanova's charter .

Caleo

David wrote:
"Nobody 50 plus marries for sex these days, there is casual sex easily available if that’s what you want, you want. You marry for companionship, intimacy will be part of that, if you make her feel insecure it wont last long."

But both men and women over 50 sometimes do fall in love and want sex. Falling in love is not satisfied by any casual sexual encounter.

To some women and most men casual sex is OK, most women want an emotional connection for it to be “satisfying, that might be an ongoing relationship or marriage, if you’re not married you have no security.

David wrote:
"Nobody 50 plus marries for sex these days, there is casual sex easily available if that’s what you want, you want. You marry for companionship, intimacy will be part of that, if you make her feel insecure it wont last long."

But both men and women over 50 sometimes do fall in love and want sex. Falling in love is not satisfied by any casual sexual encounter.

Caleo

No, I think David is right, that most women want security. Not necessarily financial security or commitment to any offspring, but those as well.

Most women are aware that men generally want sex more than they want companionship and affection. Not always, but often.
Some women too prefer sex to companionship and affection. The culture unfortunately is 'laddish'. I imagine more often it's the woman who gets dumped.

Nobody 50 plus marries for sex these days, there is casual sex easily available if that’s what you want, you want. You marry for companionship, intimacy will be part of that, if you make her feel insecure it wont last long.

Ah that old adage
Marriage is the price men pay for sex
Sex is the price women pay for marriage

No, I think David is right, that most women want security. Not necessarily financial security or commitment to any offspring, but those as well.

Most women are aware that men generally want sex more than they want companionship and affection. Not always, but often.
Some women too prefer sex to companionship and affection. The culture unfortunately is 'laddish'. I imagine more often it's the woman who gets dumped.

Norah Exactly! I had my house and mortgage long before I met and married my husband!

David49

Caleo

JamCreamandScones, you and your lover would be better to not marry but simply remain lovers for the rest of your lives. If you love each other there is no need for any ceremonial or legal arrangements.

Why would you want to marry? Is it because you don't trust each other?

In fairness most women want security, for most marriage is the way to get that.
The alternative is a bequest in his will, which is fine as long as the will remains unchanged or indeed unchallenged. Marriage guarantees the surviving spouse will be provided for, even if it may not be all that’s expected.
There is another thread current where the OP is insecure because her husband won’t reassure her there is provision in his will.
This kind of uncertainty spoils many relationships and really should be avoided.

David49, oh gracious, what century do you live in?

Caleo

JamCreamandScones, you and your lover would be better to not marry but simply remain lovers for the rest of your lives. If you love each other there is no need for any ceremonial or legal arrangements.

Why would you want to marry? Is it because you don't trust each other?

In fairness most women want security, for most marriage is the way to get that.
The alternative is a bequest in his will, which is fine as long as the will remains unchanged or indeed unchallenged. Marriage guarantees the surviving spouse will be provided for, even if it may not be all that’s expected.
There is another thread current where the OP is insecure because her husband won’t reassure her there is provision in his will.
This kind of uncertainty spoils many relationships and really should be avoided.

BTW, why is your spelling so bad? Just an idea, but is the daughter snobbish about you level of education?

If I may add to the post from RedBlueandGreen, I'd remark that if your lover is well off financially, then your need to receive an assurance that he appreciates you will include that he leave you a sum of money in his will as a gesture of concern for your future welfare and of his appreciation of you as a person. It all depends on how well off your lover is.

If you are a self sufficient person who is happy with an informal relationship then why marry? You need to examine your motives. The man's daughter is a side issue, she feels as she feels.

Someone once said to me that you can't change what people think about you, but you can change how you react to it.

By coming on here and sharing so many details, you are reacting badly. Leave her alone; you can't change the way she feels (justified or not) and either marry your lover or not. You are an adult and so is she. It is what it is. Good or bad.

For someone who says they’re not materialistic, you talk a lot about money in your post. This doesn’t mean you are greedy but it does indicate to me that money and security is important to you (understandably so given what you’ve said about bringing your kids up) but it does mean that it’s important to you in a way that it probably isn’t to the daughter (because she’s never had to worry about it). This concern for money and stability will possibly be alien to her but may mean that she sees you as very different to her and her family.

OP you talk about how you struggled and worked hard and had nothing handed to you on a plate. This is in contrast to what comes across regarding your partners daughter - that she has in some ways had it easier than you. It comes across that you have some resentment towards her for this and that you almost feel superior to her because you didn’t have what she had and you had to work harder than she has. Do you think she picks up on this and don you think this makes her want to like you more?

If you’re not materialistic as you say , then why the need to rush into marriage , for what purpose ? you can still live happily together ., then all the problems that you are facing with his daughter won’t be no more . Marriage isn’t everything , just a wedding ring and piece of paper tucked into the drawer . It won’t make you any happier will it ., just worse by the sounds of it .

PS, JamCreamand Scones, he sounds great and I envy you having such a lover, and so late in life too. Well done both of you!

JamCreamandScones, you and your lover would be better to not marry but simply remain lovers for the rest of your lives. If you love each other there is no need for any ceremonial or legal arrangements.

Why would you want to marry? Is it because you don't trust each other?

Give her space and try not to let her/the situation get under your skin. In time she may come around, but until them you may have to just 'suck it up'.

There are some things about this situation you can’t change. He’s had a life and family before you. I think you’re going to have to accept that and tolerate the irritations or walk away.

It's really quite simple, she is concerned about inheritance.

In most second marriages/relationships there is one or more family member(s) that does not like or accept the new interloper.
Many reasons often financial, all you can do is rise above it, if you love him get married, you can’t please all of the people all the time.

can do is rise above it and

You may never be accepted by his daughter so if that bothers you then don't marry, otherwise just be civil when you see her as it is unlikely to be a big part of your life.
If Silverbrooks appraisal is right I can understand the daughters worry.

You didn’t answer about the age gap between you and his daughter. Guessing that’s at least part of the problem

I have an almost photographic memory which is why I remember things and remember the last time you posted about this issue but under another name. It was only a few weeks ago.

It was just ten months ago, 3 May 2024 to be precise, that you wrote here : for four years I have been desperately in love with my partner. I thought I'd found my person.

That was a different man altogether - the one you are now describing as a 4 year relationship which I do find a bit embarrassing as he is a local man, a bit of an odd ball and yes, we were engaged for a while before I gave the ring back. Again, you posted a huge amount of detail about his life and his unpleasant children.

Five years before that, posting in 2019, you were still married to someone else.

Here you are in March 2025 saying:

My partner tried to speak with her first when we got engaged … When we told her, she was visibly shaken, angry, tearful, and then wouldn't speak to her dad for almost a week. She withheld contact with the grandchildren … 6 months on, she continues to not want contact with me.

Working back in time, you say you got engaged six months ago so that would be say October 2024 … less than six months after you were bereft over this other man you were desperately in love with.

You seem to have got over him very quickly to have met someone so soon who has become the latest love of your life and become engaged so quickly. These things happen but I can see why it might be looked upon as suspicious and hasty.

In January 2024, you said you were living in a caravan. I could be homeless with my children any day and the local authority can't help me.

If everybody in this small community knows one another, knows one another’s business, and you say the daughter was disgusted that I’d been engaged before, so she knows you were on the rebound and from whom, knows your background and maybe knows that you literally seem to go from one man to another, can you not understand why she might be worrying about what her father is getting into?

I am sorry that you have been through some difficult times but you must be able to see why the thought of this planned marriage is worrying her so much, and what your motives might be even if you claim they are not material.

The very obvious answer is to not get married; to not rush headlong into this, if at all. Where’s the fire?