Could anyone offer some wise words on a step daughters who openly can't stand me?

Again, get married, if that’s what you both want.

If this was me I’d keep it very low key and discrete but would advite all “children” from both side.

Any to choose not to attend are making their own choices and decisions.

Just always remain calm and polite when discussing her or seeing her.

Sometimes we just have to accept that some people will never give us a chance or try and get to know us . I find it easier to just except the situation, let your future husband have the relationship he wants with his daughter. You have the right to not have to deal with her poor treatment of you .

I thought the scenario seemed familiar.
The stepdaughter doesn't want a step-mum and may be concerned about her inheritance.
Nothing to be done; they are not going to live under the same roof so it does not matter.

Why do you have to marry?
Can't you live happily as you are now?
This is causing his DD grief which you insist you don't want - so don't! You have the choice.

I know a couple in a similar situation to yours. His grown DC, particularly the DD think the "other woman" is a gold digger. She lets him pay for their holidays together because he is far better off than her. They have no intention to marry but still his DD is jealous.

You cannot make somebody like you, there are people I do not like and I assume there are those you do not like.

You do not have to attend their family events especially as her mother will be there, so will have limited contact with her.

I’m going to give you some tough love here. Drop the rope and get on with life. You’re giving all of this power to this woman.

This isn’t a situation where his teen or young daughter hates the new step mum. She’s a grown woman who is a mother herself.

You don’t need to play happy family and it would do you some good to reframe this idea of how this blended family will look. It is unfortunate for sure that adults can’t live and let live. But in life we don’t all always get along.

You two only need to be civil toward one another because respect is owed both ways. Taper your expectations. Spend only the time with her absolutely necessary. Live and enjoy your life. We all deserve to be happy.

It’s sad when these things happen.
My ex-husband has re-married, although she is not exactly a spring chicken, she is 10years younger than him. I was only 3 years younger. As my friend jokingly said - you had the best of him. She’s having the worst….She was right. Since leaving, he has had 2 heart attacks. But, I have to say this. She does seem to love him and cares well for him.

Except I don’t think this is a particularly safe space. This is a public forum where stories get picked up by the main media and are also repeated on Mumsnet, as stories from Mumsnet are repeated here.

I agree with Silverbrooks
This can be read by anyone and stories have been published in newspapers and magazines. People can be identified and thst could make the situation worse, sadly.

You call your partner's daughter a step-daughter but she is not, yet. The whole situation seems fraught with difficulties and, if you marry, your partner could feel he has to choose between you and your family and his own family.
Christmas, birthdays, family occasions, will always be difficult.
You may start to feel resentful that you have given up on your dreams of travel and may end up caring for an old man instead.

Is he worth it?

Should have said they were only married for 3 years.

If you are anywhere near your partners children’s ages then that could be a problem. As sago said it’s often about inheritance.
My sil’s father remarried after he had been diagnosed with cancer. When he died he left his entire estate to his new wife. His children who had stayed in his life and were wit h him throughout his illness and when he died, were not left anything, perhaps he wrongly thought his new wife would share, but she didn’t.
Her children on the other hand ( they all knew each other) suddenly living the high life with expensive holidays, new cars etc. while my sil and his siblings looked on.
It was upsetting and created a lot of hard feelings.
This is not rare, happens a lot.

Step- relationships can be enriching or fraught with difficulties. At least you would not be living with a teenager step-daughter. Surely father and daughter can meet separately, without you?

Why can’t you accept your good fortune at meeting someone who makes you so happy and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and woman-up about his daughter?
You want everything your way and life’s not like that. If it’s making you physically ill you probably need some counselling.
We only let other people affect us if we’re not emotionally intelligent and your post just read as a “poor me” rant.
I’d suggest you try practising some gratitude.

Lies, lies, lies

In my experience this kind of behaviour is usually caused by greed.
Your fiancés daughter probably just wants to know how your marriage will impact her inheritance.

I don’t really understand what it is that you want from them.

Reading your post it sounds like you have this idea of a whole family of which you will be an integral part.

But it isn’t a whole family is it?

Your fiancée is divorced from the mother so presumably there’s get togethers that are just mum, daughter, son without father. Is it these you want to be part of?

Or that he is included in meeting up but not you?

Or that daughter wants to see him without you?

Your post is quite full of how you feel but not very specific about what it is that is causing you angst.

Except I don’t think this is a particularly safe space. This is a public forum where stories get picked up by the main media and are also repeated on Mumsnet, as stories from Mumsnet are repeated here. It only takes for your lover’s daughter, one of her friend’s or other family members, or her mother, to read what you are posting and they will recognise immediately who is being discussed publicly and repeatedly. You said yourself, this is a very small community where everyone knows one another. And here you are name-calling his ex-wife as a drinker and adulterer, loud and attention seeking. He has to live with his family in this small community, whatever their history. Publicly exposing his cuckolded past and criticising his ex-wife does you no favours.

How do you think this family, that you say you want to be part of, would react if they read what you write about them? Maybe they already have. Do you think it would make them like you?

You say you don’t dislike the family but it also comes across in the things you say about your lover’s daughter and her husband e.g. your pointed comment, She recently was a bit stressed as they were discussing selling (one) of their many houses and her husband was having to put back his projected retirement age from 53, to 55. That sounds very much like schadenfreude on your part and rather sour.

Again, I ask why the rush to get married? That may well be why his daughter is upset and worried about this, that her old father is making a fool of himself with a much younger women. May to December romances will always provoke gossip much more so in a very small community where everyone knows one another. She may feel she is being made a fool of by association, being teased by friends - there goes your inheritance. That’s just speculation but as your lover doesn’t seem to be able to talk to his daughter to elicit what is really behind all this, then who’s to know?

It's a really difficult situation and yes has been going on a while. Does it matter that i may have posted before or again in the future. This is a safe space to talk, as I allow other to do.

I quite happily reply to people,sometimes even when I think I've heard a similar story. There are lots of people in similar situations and the same,or similar will repeat...that's what helps us to share our thoughts. I'm asking for thought's on the experience and to see if anyone has lived through this.

I don't dislike any of his family.
I have friends and family from all walks of life and with various resources either earnt or given. I don't want a different lifestyle or hanker for more. I was quite happy with everyone having space to be a daughter,father,etc etc. I have never wanted to be in anyones way

My partner hasn't actually seen his daughter for weeks as is distraught at her behaviour. It's incredibly sad for him too as he doesn't understand it He has stated she is acting like a spoiled toddler. I havent commented as its not helpful for me to do so.
I hope she sort of comes round to it but I dont think she will and it forces my partner into horrible corners that I don't want him to be in. He doesn't deserve it. He is so kind and patient..gives so much time to everyone around him
I'd have walked away but he is persuading me to stay. It's just very sad for everyone I think.
Thanks for the input.

You have posted several times before about your current and historic relationships, using a different name. You give so much detail, before and now, that any parties to this would recognise themselves in it, as will anyone here who has tried to give you advice before.

If I am remembering correcty, you asked for the previous thread(s) to be deleted but here you are, back again, telling the same story.

It’s clear you haven’t taken any notice of the advice you were given before and are doggedly going on with this.

Nothing has changed and nothing will change. You don’t like your lover’s daughter and she doesn’t like you. You are critical of her lifestyle and that of your lover’s ex wife so why should you expect them to welcome you? It cuts both ways.

If memory serves, you haven’t know this man for very long so why the rush to marry? You talked about pe-nups before but they are not automatically legally binding in the UK. His daughter may well have concerns about the way you two are rushing into things and how this could affect inheritance. If he is so much older than you (and I recall the age gap is considerable) then that issue could come any time soon.

You will be marrying him not his family but they will always be part of his life for as long as he lives so you either find peace with how they are or move on.

You may think that what I have said is harsh but if this is making you physically sick, as you claim, them you really should consider moving on, moving abroad even, which you say is one of your options. Have a fresh start. If he loves you as much as he claims then he’d go with you but something tells me that he wouldn’t and, if push came to shove, he would chose his family.

Don’t let this (awful sounding) woman spoil the rest of your life!

I’m a step-mum, and have been for 28 years, I met this lovely girl when her father and I got together and she was 12. I had a son of 10 of my own, and we now have 3 further shared children and a wonderful blended family.

Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t, you need to follow your heart, not criticise this woman to her Dad and get married and enjoy your futures together.

I do wish you both the very best luck and a lovely future.

Cossy

Well, “Mum” is going to be accepted, as she’s their mother.

Potential step-daughter clearly sees you as a threat.

What is the age gap between you and her?

It actually doesn’t matter if she does or doesn’t like you, you’re about to marry her father, not her.

So long as you two love each other and can see yourself living a good life together, I’d stop worrying, marry your man and be content with him and your side of the family x

Thank you..that's a very level and thoughtful response.

Some of this is that I'm disappointed I think that this level of disdain is even happening.

I hated my own step mum but that's because she removed us from our home,made us unwelcome as little children, dominated my dad and eventually turned him against us with horrible lies. It's taken years to really build our relationship with our dad and that was after they divorced.

I am peaceful and have nothing to hide about my past, my choices or the way I live..I'm horribly boring really.
She lives locally with all her family and I don't really have anyone here within several hundred miles.
It's made me feel very isolated.

I hadn't planned on staying here in this part of the country or even this country full time...and don't know how to feel settled somewhere that locally I have no real connection apart from my partner.
I do really love this man and I know he feels the same.
Thank you x

Well, “Mum” is going to be accepted, as she’s their mother.

Potential step-daughter clearly sees you as a threat.

What is the age gap between you and her?

It actually doesn’t matter if she does or doesn’t like you, you’re about to marry her father, not her.

So long as you two love each other and can see yourself living a good life together, I’d stop worrying, marry your man and be content with him and your side of the family x