Friends deteriorating eyesight and confidence.

I'd recommend she have a complete physical checkup. It could be more than just her eyes. (As an example, and I'm not saying this is it as this would likely present at a later stage, but just as an example, people who have Alzheimer's disease experience progressive limitations in their vision. It's not a problem with their eyes. It's a problem where their brain can't process what their eyes are seeing. Consequently their visual field becomes more limited. Some nutritional issues, such as lack of vitamin A, can also cause visual issues.)

Yes that's becoming a niggling worry.But it's been her eyesight that first concerned me and I felt able to talk to her about.Well up to a point.As I say she got quite flustered and shutt down the conversation. That was when I spent a weekend with her on her own as her DH was away.
I now don't seem to see her on her own as often as her DH is usually with her.He gets on well with my DH so it now usually a meal for the 4 of us.

She needs to be seen by an optician asap. Many years ago, my sight was failing, and it was discovered I have Macular Degeneration, and my left eye is almost blind. My right is a lot better at present.

I may sound harsh, but she must take some responsibility for her own health and get her eyes tested.

Why is her husband not encouraging her to have her eyes tested? Sounds as though he enjoys looking after her! 🚩!? Just a thought.

Yes Shelflife.Thats what's troubling me as much.Obviously as her 2nd husband. Plus they live further away now we've only got to know him in the last few years.I don't dislike him but he is quite a strong character. He and I have a bit of a sparky relationship. And I realise now he tries to wind me up in conversations. And I'm not always relaxed in his company. It's hard to explain. But it can be quite wearing.I think that's what's holding me back from talking to him because I have considered getting him to one side to voice my concerns.
But it does need sorting because I fear it could be something more serious than the wrong glasses prescription .
I feel terribly disloyal know even posting this because she really is the loveliest person and such a good friend.

Reading between the lines of your original post I sensed that is how you were feeling. It may not be the case but I believe in a woman's intuition!
He tries to wind you up in conversations ( he is more than likely aware you are on to him)
You have known your friend for a very long time - much longer than him ! You know how she ticks. She has gone from an independent woman to a woman who is lacking confidence. Of course this may well be due to a problem with her vision !?
However hopefully that could be rectified.
I understand your meaning when you say " it is hard to explain" people who are controlling are very clever and their invasion into someone's life is slow and subtle - so the victim and her friends doubt the reality of the situation.
You are not disloyal to your lovely friend - you are concerned and worried for her. Her 90 year old Mum also has her doubts. Of course there may be another genuine reason, dementia is also a slow and subtle enemy. ( DH was diognosed a year ago) You are definitely in a tricky situation all I can suggest is watch , wait and perhaps keep a written record of incidents that ring alarm bells. If her husband is of a controlling nature she may or may not be aware of it , if she is aware then more than likely she will of course not want to accept, instead she will defend him . It is a sad situation and I can ' feel' your fears. Speaking to him will probably be a fruitless exercise and may only serve to irritate him , he may then discredit you to his wife and that could jepordise your long standing relationship with her - that would be
dreadful for both of you and she may well need you in the future. You are between the devil and the deep blue sea! I wish you and your friend the very best - you take care of your self and PM me if you need to off load ! Good luck. 💐💐

Thank you and I will.I did wonder if my DH would be better placed to say something casually if we went to stay and they were chatting.But will definitely tread carefully. He certainly doesn't discourage her from keeping contact with her friends and runs her to and fro and does an awful lot to help her with her mum.So I feel a bit mean being critical but can't imagine my DH seeing me struggle with everyday stuff and not encouraging me to get seen and sorted.Unless it's a fear something is slowly going wrong and in denial ?
The winding me up is down to his personality of having to be the joker a lot of them time.and I sound po faced but it wears thin when it's the same old thing .eg a have a slight regional accent and he laughs at the way I say things. Ok once but not repeatedly. Maybe I'm a bit defensive because now I anticipate it and don't feel as relaxed.

She may have cataracts and that's affecting her eyesight. I am waiting for surgery for cataracts and have fallen a couple of times which has definitely affected my confidence.
I understand your concern, however she's a grown woman with a partner. You have tried to talk to her about it and she's not listening. She is an adult who can make her own decisions. You are getting close to losing touch with her if you keep on interfering - as she might see it. You have no idea whether her partner has spoken to her about it and has tried to get her to visit the opticians or doctor and why should you?
I'm a bit worried that you might end up losing your friend if you don't back off a bit

It may be he’s controlling some of that adds up.

It could be her eyesight.

If I’m honest, it sounds like a friend of mine who in her fifties was diagnosed with posterior cortical atrophy, the same type of mental decline that Terry Pratchett suffered from.

Asking you to read her phone messages and her OH reading and selecting the menu are typical things, involving processing written language that my friend used to ask me to do.Giving up driving is another because of the information processing problems.

I didn’t know the diagnosis for some years actually because she didn’t want anyone to know, but like you I saw her change, wondered about her over helpful husband (I was so wrong about him!).

Eventually of course they had to let everyone know. I’m probably wrong but it just sounded all so familiar.

Yes I will back off.I don't think they are dealing with yet Just an intuition. However he didn't divorce, his first wife died and maybe he's finding it hard to acknowledge something is amiss.Because it certainly is.However I will try to keep our thoughts to ourselves and just be as good a friend as I can be otherwise.Thanks for the replies.

I agree that you need to keep an eye on the situation but not to be intrusive or you may find you get shut out.
A further thought, in addition to all the good advice already given, is that one day, with or without notice, your friend may lose her husband and be on her own. Assuming she has not lost capacity, she will have to take on responsibility for things she has handed over to him. So it is best to keep in the loop.

That's true.I call my DH technical support because I've very little interest beyond usual use of a smartphone and iPad in anything techy.He likes that kind of thing so the default position is to let him set up new gadgets and trouble shoot.But am very aware that I could be on my on -albeit with very competent adult DC -and will have to do more myself so do try to keep up .
In my defence I have only x2 mentioned her eyesight in a couple of years and been treading warily.Hence posting here to get concerns off my chest.Thank again.