Childcare and finances

What an absolute caveman! This sounds like a classic Stepford Wives scenario.
I would be tempted to simply walk out on the pretext of running an errand and leave him with the children for at least 2 to 3 hours. They’re his children too and it is time he stepped up.
Ask for more money than you need and squirrel it away in an account of your own, you certainly sound like you need to get your ducks in a row.

I am old but wouldn’t have accepted that arrangement Penelope. Having to ask for money is demeaning. Either get a job and share the cost of nursery if the children are still young, or have a serious conversation with your husband.
This is not the 1950 s.

You seem to have more than one child. How long as this been going on? For some time I guess.

It seems you like caring for your children at home, but are reliant on DH's money. Did you ever earn money of your own?

I think you should try to become financially independent and go get a job, either doing what you did before the kids came along or go get some training in order to get a better job.
You should not have to ask him for money!

He sounds as if he doesn't feel the need to look after the kids because he considers it your job, which it would seem to be.

Do you have a social life outside the home so you can get out and he can care for the kids on his own?

If he won't discuss it then do it anyway- you don't need his permission and he needs to step up on his parental duties too.

Do not accept that this is how things should be- get yourself out in the world, join some women's groups, learn some new skills, show this rather unreconstructed man that women have lives of their own outside of childcare...

Thank you for your replies. They are very helpful.

I do get out and about, I just need to arrange childcare with a friend or grandparent.

I worked before becoming a mum and am really keen not to do so until children are at school. I just wish I had more parenting help and would like to feel more like an equal.

Thanks again for the help.

Thanks for coming back Penelope. You really need to have that conversation because you do not feel equal, and of course you are, but your husbands reluctance to spend time with the children must concern you.

I understand- so your husband won't care for the children even when you need time for yourself, and they go to family and friends instead?

This is very sad and not fair to the children, who need to see in their father a positive role model.

It sounds like you still want to be a stay home mum and that makes it hard for you because your husband isn't involved in any child rearing? At all?

I worry that when your children get to school and you try to get back into work it won't be so easy. Child care doesn't end just because the children are at school.

It sounds like you are putting their needs first but I'm not sure that is really the case- they will pick up on these tensions.

I think you are at risk of depression. I would speak to your GP and someone you trust to be supportive of you.

What do friends and family say?

You need to work on your self-esteem and find the confidence to speak to your husband about this- although if he refuses maybe there's nothing much you can do.

Childrearing should be a partnership, not left to one parent.

It is hard to give more advice without knowing the true picture, but I wish you and your little family well.

I agree with keepingquiet.
If you feel like this now -how will you feel in a few years time ?
It's time to address the issue.

You must talk to your husband and insist on a regular allowance, paid into your account so you are able to manage your money. His attitude is reprehensible:
Also, he has his salary paid into an account which I have no access to. He gives me money when I need it but I feel awkward having to ask.
When I raise these issues, he says he doesn't want to discuss it.
I bet he doesn't.
I presume he pays all the bills and he regards his income as his money, out of which he 'generously' keeps you and the children. This is not the way to a happy marriage or an equal partnership.

Both of you at home all day is not good you will be under each others feet, the tensions are showing already, get a job yourself, if only part time, then you keep your own wages.

Penelope, you need to put aside some money ( it doesn't have to be a lot) and open up your own bank account in your name. When I was first married in 1965! it was rare for a woman to have an account in her own name and I had to ask for money too. I got fed up about that, opened an account with some housekeeping money, told him and he went mad..
It was how things were in those days but we are now in 2025 and you must be a bit more assertive otherwise his controlling and outdated attitude will only get worse, possibly when the children start school. Join a women's group, do a voluntary job, read up about coercive control! Do you have a good friend that you can discuss this with? Stay strong!

I’m utterly amazed! If your children are at school could you explore he possibility of attending a college course and then part time work?

I simply could not have lived that way, have to ask for money and ask him to “babysit”!

It’s like living in another century.

Make a change now! Be brave and impetuous and build yourself a life!

Btw, hate to say this, but you are setting a terrible example to your children!

“Make a change now! Be brave and impetuous and build yourself a life!”

You dont have to be brave and impetuous, that’s divisive, just assertive, he thinks you’re freeloading, a job will get out and pulling your weight. He might not like it, tough, make sure you keep a nice float in your account.
My wife insisted and that was 40 yrs ago.

You need your own job and be financially independent from him, for your own sake and your children

Hithere

You need your own job and be financially independent from him, for your own sake and your children

Not financially independant, to do that you have to equal his wages, dont go down that road, successful marriages are a balance and if there is a breakup women almost always come off worse, with no current career it doesn’t look good

This is not a recipe for a happy marriage.

I married in 1970. We had a joint bank account and joint savings accounts. I bought household stuff, childrens clothes, gifts etc. I never had to ask for money.
Our house was in joint names. Is yours?
I returned to part time work when our youngest child was 3.

Your husband needs to join the 21st Century.
Decide if you want a joint account or a fixed sum paid into an account of your own. You need a conversation and you need to be assertive. Good luck.

David49

Hithere

You need your own job and be financially independent from him, for your own sake and your children

Not financially independant, to do that you have to equal his wages, dont go down that road, successful marriages are a balance and if there is a breakup women almost always come off worse, with no current career it doesn’t look good

No, you don’t need to equal your husband’s wages to be financially independent, you need to earn enough to live on if you have to.

I’ve always been financially independent, and was very glad I was when my husband died whilst both my children were still in school, the younger was only nine.

You never know what the future holds, and however happily married you are you need to future proof, and be upfront about why it’s essential to do so - you can plan and study, even when your children are very small.

I wonder if your DH has family or friends who behave in the same way as he does?
Where did his idea of fatherhood come from?
Back in the 1970s when my DC were small, my DH was unusual in that he looked after the boys a lot, gave them tea and put them to bed while I went to work teaching evening classes.
He was unusual at the time, but not now. All the young parents I know have a reasonably balanced set up.

You should not have to ask for money!!!
If he is not prepared to treat you as an equal you must endeavour to open your own bank account. For goodness sake you are entitled to be respected and your DH should learn that you have just as much right to access a bank account as he has, high time he showed you respect.
Your DH has financial power and that is demeaning for you and ensures he knows he is in charge! I recognise this is not easy for you but if this situation continues you will in time become less able to be assertive. Try talking to him and explain how this affects you and that he must change his caveman attitude towards you - his wife and mother of his children ! This is 2025. Good luck.

You are the subject of cohersive control by your husband. This is not acceptable at any time. When I married, my then husband, said he would give me housekeeping money weekly. I said no. He would bring his cash wages home and we would pool his earnings and mine paid into our joint bank account. For bills etc and everything else. When I stayed at home with my two children and did not work for about 7 years this continued as it was our money.
You must have your own account. Get more money from him and squirrel away an emergency fund. You might need it sooner than you think. I am appalled at how many women young and older go through life like this. Your husband must be very controlling. I would never had accepted this situation regarding finances.

Reported, don't miss a trick do they,
Penelope, just book an appointment with you husband as that seems the only way, tell him you feel alone in parenting, feel as if he thinks you are not his equal re money, you shouldn't have to go cap in hand, you need an allowance for food, clothes and the children, its not in the dark ages.They are his children too but he seems to think a roof over your head is all he needs to do. With children at school get a job that fits in, save what money you can, one day you will need it. Then you will be equipped to be independent if him. I wouldn't live like that, either he changes ir I would. He would have a shock if you wanted to split up, half is yours. Don’t sign any paperwork that could impinge in your future.