Around 3 years back my mother passed away and I was very close to my mother, my father since then feels lonely and he is 75+ years but physically fit, he sometimes sits in his room and keeps staring at my mother’s photo and starts crying after sometime..while that shows how much he misses my mother but its equally concerning as it might have deteriorating effect on his health as well as he has a prolonged history of BP and Diabetes, so somehow I want to give him a comfort or someone whom he can talk to, be around him all time and be a good friend and partner to him so that he doesn’t feel lonely.. Now we being kids to him, I feel he doesn’t openly talk to us due to the age gap i guess, so I was thinking that he gets a companion of his own age. Now on other side my mother in law is a widow (younger than my dad by a couple of years), her husband and my father-in-law passed away long back before even me and my wife got married, she lives with her son / my brother-in-law who doesn’t do any work, he just wants easy money in life, so he gambles in stock market and there have been instances where he has lost lot of money in share market, he doesn’t take care about his mother, he got married 2 years back to a girl who does job but she shares her earnings with her mother and doesn’t bear my brother-in-law expenses, so my brother-in-law keeps borrowing money from my mother-in-law for his expenses..my father-in-law was in a government job so my mother-in-law gets pension and instead of earning money and giving to his mother, my brother-in-law expects his mother to bear his expenses..now seeing all this my wife is always worried about her mother but she is hesitant to ask her mother to come and stay with us because of the society, basically her concern is that if she has elder brother then that brother is suppose to take care of her mother and as a daughter its not her responsibility as per the view of the society, so this made me think that what if my mother-in-law gets married to my father, in that way it would be a win win situation as my father will get a companion and my mother-in-law can stay with us with all rights as my own mother with no guilt and no one in the society can also point fingers at her because she would be legally my father’s wife and my mother so she can stay with us with no issues whatsoever plus my wife will also be very happy with this since she no longer has to worry about her mother’s health or needs as I would become legally her son and I would take good care of her in the same way as I was taking care of my mother. I was very hesitant with this thinking earlier but I thought about it for a long time and i feel this would be a right thing to do and really want this to happen as I feel in the form of my mother-in-law even i would get my mother back, so I wholeheartedly want her to come and stay with us not just trying to pity on her. but I have a dilemma now that how should i approach my wife and my father and convince them for accepting this idea and moving ahead with it.. I feel that this discussion is going to be very awkward.. so i really need some good guidance and suggestions to make this happen..to start with I was thinking to invite my mother-in-law to stay over at my place for couple of days on some festive occasion first, so that both my father and mother-in-law get some time to interact with each other and then slowly we take things forward but to be honest I don’t think this will honestly work as this might take very long time for a bonding to happen between them.. I just want to make it happen as quickly as possible so please help with some ideas and suggestions
No of course caring for relatives is not 'a bad thing' and no-one here is saying it is. However trying to get that relative married to anyone not of their choosing is not caring. At worst it's coercion; at best it's plain wrong - whatever their culture or needs.
I’ve been thinking a lot about your mom lately. I can see how much you worry about her, especially with everything going on in your brother’s house. I know it must be hard for you to see her in that situation, and it’s hard for me too — I really want her to be in a place where she’s respected, cared for, and not taken for granted.
At the same time, I’ve also been thinking a lot about my dad. He misses Mom so much, and even though he doesn’t say much, I can tell the loneliness is getting to him. I wish he had someone to talk to, to share his life with again — someone from his generation who understands.
And this may sound unusual at first, but… I’ve started wondering: what if your mom and my dad got to know each other better? Just as friends at first — no pressure. Maybe there’s a chance they could support each other, even find happiness together. I know it’s a big idea, but it keeps coming back to me because I genuinely think it could help both of them.
wanted to share this with you before saying anything else. I value your feelings more than anything, and I really want to know what you think.
abhaydinkar
Aldom is correct, i am from india and i believe caring for our elders is not a bad thing
"From India" does not sound like you're in India right now.
If you, Dad and Mil are all in UK now, then you are all subject to UK Law, including Matrimonial rights, and Inheritance.
I think that judging from your name that you are a Hindu .
I know that in Hinduism remarriage,though legal is not always socially acceptable and certainly less so than in Western marriages.
I am not Hindu - but in my own family the remarriage of a fifty year old widow to another member of the Christian congregation caused a great deal of conflict and speculation even ending up with the deceased husband's family ostracising her for the rest of her days !
I'm the first to admit that my family is extremely old fashioned and strict .
Asian families have very strong beliefs and family honour and respect is paramount .
My Asian friends always say that they are married to their husband's families .
One of them is going through hell because her dementia stricken husband abuses her and the family won't allow her to put him in a home .
It really is up to the couple concerned :
If your father loved your mother in such a devoted way it would be hard to replace her
This widow might be as devoted to her deceased husband .
You really can't force or influence them .
By all means invite to a family celebration to introduce them to each other-but don't try to influence them nor cause them any embarrassment by suggesting it .
Your motives may be intended to be honourable,but could be misconstrued as calculating or interfering .
Thanks a lot BlueBelle and everyone else for your responses. As I said I just want to make an attempt from my end and If it works out then good and even if it doesn't, then as you said I will still continue to support both in every possible way I could. thanks again.
I hope the people who have been doubting your authenticity now realise you are just a young man trying to do the best for everyone Abheydinkar
I think your idea of inviting your mum in law over for a few days holiday is the best way of doing it and if no one gets on or there seems little or no interest then you ll have to accept that that’s not an answer and leave it be and continue supporting both which ever way you can, in their respective homes.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and them
Thanks everyone for the comments. I know that lot of people over here think its some kind of joke, but its not. I am genuinely looking for some suggestions, thanks to those who provided some helpful suggestions and thanks to others as well. I understand the culture difference and respect everyone's views but to be honest I am not trying to force any relationship on my father or my mother-in-law.. I just want to make an attempt to see if things work out as this is all for the well being of my father and my mother-in-law nothing else. I know some people might think I am bad son since I am trying to get some other women in my mother's place but that's not the case, I am concerned about her well being in her house since her own son is not supporting her and my wife is always stressed about the same, so I am just trying, what best I can do to improve the situation. My mother use to say "It is not just our actions, but the thoughts behind them, that shape whether we are truly good or bad"
Hang on a minute……….is this some kind of arranged marriage vibe?
You cannot make people love one another or even want to share any form of relationship. Push them together and potentially lose them forever!
No I don’t want to fall out with you or anybody Crosstitchfan
I really don’t think it’s a false post I think it genuinely is a young man looking for help with his grieving father and ‘not very well looked after’ mother in law and asking for our views
However he maybe asking the wrong people with a rather closed minds
If I m proven wrong I ll happily apologise
I've heard posters described in many ways but "sour old prunes" is a new one David49
BlueBelle
Blossoming It’s 3 years on not a week or a month (like my cousins wife ) His dad has been mourning for three years and his son is trying to think out the box to see if he can give his Dad a reason to live he is trying to think of the best way to keep them both looked after. Of course the dad may not want another woman around he may want to continue grieving and that’s ok to, but the young man is trying to think of ways that may help him
I don’t think the son is necessarily looking for sexual attraction for his dad David although western eyes will only see that, but companionship can give you a reason to live
* Crosstichfan* that’s pretty cruel open your mind beyond your own boundaries
BlueBelle, I have always had great respect for you but I think this time you may be wrong. I am convinced this post isn’t rea but obviously you are entitled to disagree. I hope we won’t fall out over it!
This sounds like arranged marriage
Not something us Brits agree with at all. The part where you and your wife become siblings is also a bit odd.
Bluebelle as always is our ‘voice of reason’
Well they are certainly not going to live together if they don’t like each other, it doesn’t matter wether it’s an intimate or platonic relationship you have to enjoy life together or it doesn’t work.
I did assume it was a culture where traditionally the elderly are looked after by the younger generations, instead of selfishly neglecting them as many do in the UK
🥴
TLDR
Bizarre!
Bea65
How did your now lady wife ‘lovebombed you?’
LOL once a woman decides you are the one for them and their life is going to be better with you they become very amorous.
Blossoming It’s 3 years on not a week or a month (like my cousins wife ) His dad has been mourning for three years and his son is trying to think out the box to see if he can give his Dad a reason to live he is trying to think of the best way to keep them both looked after. Of course the dad may not want another woman around he may want to continue grieving and that’s ok to, but the young man is trying to think of ways that may help him
I don’t think the son is necessarily looking for sexual attraction for his dad David although western eyes will only see that, but companionship can give you a reason to live
* Crosstichfan* that’s pretty cruel open your mind beyond your own boundaries
David49
All you can do is invite both of them to family get togethers and leave them to it, either they have the attraction or they don’t.
If either think you are matchmaking it likely to have the opposite effect
Spot on, David!
Pull the other leg. It’s got bells on!
What a stupid post. Sorry if I’m wrong, but I can’t believe this is real!
I don’t think he cared about his mother very much if this is his only concern after her death.
BlueBelle
Witzend
Another very long post with no paragraphs!
I don’t know about anybody else, but I really CBA to wade through it.Witzend it does all make sense, English is not the posters first language and personally I ve understood what he is asking and thinking he expressed it well
No Shelflife it’s not bizarre at all
In India and other Asian countries it is the younger generation that look after their elders, unlike this country, where elders are often left to fend fir themselves or put in old folks homes out of the way , and he is trying to do the best by his father
I think we should be supporting him in his concerns and the fact he is trying to do what he can for both his Dad and his wife’s mum We should not be ridiculing him, he sounds a thoughtful and caring person what as shame he hasn’t encounter the same caring answers
BlueBelle as always completely and utterly nailed it!
Witzend
Another very long post with no paragraphs!
I don’t know about anybody else, but I really CBA to wade through it.
Witzend it does all make sense, English is not the posters first language and personally I ve understood what he is asking and thinking he expressed it well
No Shelflife it’s not bizarre at all
In India and other Asian countries it is the younger generation that look after their elders, unlike this country, where elders are often left to fend fir themselves or put in old folks homes out of the way , and he is trying to do the best by his father
I think we should be supporting him in his concerns and the fact he is trying to do what he can for both his Dad and his wife’s mum We should not be ridiculing him, he sounds a thoughtful and caring person what as shame he hasn’t encounter the same caring answers
Drrr. Elders
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