Simply bored

Do you love him?

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Well you will all know my attitude over lists by now, for all occasions!! So I suggest that you wait for a time when you are not too tired and in a reasonable frame of mind. Sit where you wont be disturbed. Then have two pieces of paper, on one you put down anything that you like about your husband , how kind he is, how well he can sort ot the door handle or whatever, on the other the things that drive you made about him, such as the expense laid out on tools for things that are never used and the endless putting off of everything.

Then as I say write these things down and fold over the paper each time you add something to either list. Put them away where they are somewhere private and not going to be read by anyone else. Leave it for a few weeks and then on a miserable rainy afternoon, make a much needed cup of coffee and go onto the next phrase. Open the papers and begin to see groups of things that go together from your list, such as buying tools but not using them, promising to start something but not doing it, agreeing that you could go out for a meal or to a show and yet making no effort to organise it but leaving it all to you.

So at the end of this exercise you should have a better idea of good and bad things as they stand. Then comes the more serious bit. Look at the way you are living day to day now and see if the person you really loved and cared for is still there, and do you want to still be with them? If when you look at your present life you see absolutely no connection, that he really does not want to be involved, and that he is now actually stopping you doing things with other people as and when you would like to, then perhaps it is time to think deeply about whether you want to stay together. We have all done our best for our family and friends and over the years there will have been many things that we looked forward to retirement to enable us to do, when we had more time/money etc.

Sadly as we all get older there may be physical reasons why we could not risk it. So for example I would have loved to learn to ski, but never had the money or chance to try it. At 80 I would be a fool to risk it now and possibly break a leg or my hip and be stuck then. But like the day before yesterday, there was plenty of jobs that could have been done, but I was extremely uptight about facing the operation yesterday and so I left the flat, put my coffee things in the boot and drove off to Saltburn, where I was quite happy looking out to sea with my binoculars, listening to radio 3 etc etc. It was calming and helped me to face things and I returned feeling more refreshed and able to cope.

So , although it does sound very drastic, I do think that you would do well to have a go at this idea and without any set timetable , you will come to the decision as to what is right for you. This could mean actually splitting up and finding a new place of your own. It may be smaller etc but it will be yours. contain the things that you want to be there, and not a load of clutter or curtains that you dont like the colour of etc. You could come to the conclusion that you would be happy staying in the same house with him, but that mentally you are separate. This way you live your own lives, happy to chat or whatever when it suits, but deciding how to spend your own time. This also takes the pressure off the other person, as you now no longer ask them to go with you to this or that, but might say I am going to drive up the dales, Do you want to come along? No pressure if he says yes or no. Go anyway, dont let his decisions stop you doing something. As you become more at ease doing your own thing you too will relax and it will make for a better atmosphere, that may lead to an improvement. So look back and remind yourself what you thought you might like to do. Did you ever try watercolours, or writing poetry etc etc? Look around you an there will be different clubs etc you might join, and better than that there will be some weekend courses around, where you might go to learn something new with like minded people. One other thing you might try, which can seem quite daring but I love it, is look at your calendar, find yourself 2/3 days that are available. Then pack a small suitcase, stick your walking boots sandals and swim stuff all in the car. Pack a box with cups cutlery thermos etc etc., bottle openers etc etc and literally check the fuel and just GO. Drive in whatever direction you fancy, about 2/3pm start looking for a b/b. My favourites are farmhouse b/b, or drive to the coast and find somewhere just outside a town you like and so for examply you may have been to Whitby but not spent long there. Well find a b/b where you can leave your car too, and then get the local bus, go to the harbour, wander around, take the bus over the north york moors - even better if you have your bus pass and it costs you "nowt!! Sometimes it wont work well, but ok you have found that Birmingham has no interest for you and wont go there again, but you will find other places that you really enjoy, and may find some fellow travellers. What about all of us gn's? I would love to meet some of you and put a face to a name. Come up my way, and we could meet safely in a Cafe Nero in say Guisborough. A chance to meet up and if we are not what you thought we were a quick coffee doesnt commit you to anything, but I would be happy to take you for adrive round some of my lovely places that you would not be likely to know in my car. Did you enjoy Dowton Abbey? I could actually take you to Eryholme, the place, which is nearby, etc etc. Of course it will not look like the film. Did you enjoy Heartbeat when that was on the box? We have the north yorks railway and there are steam trains that go from Grosmont to Whitby etc. Fancy a ride on that??

I do hope that this inspires you to have a go at something. Did you ever live elsewhere, but have small children and little money so you hever really explored the city or town? Well it could be nice to go by train, get a b/b and let yourself look round and learn something new. You may be kept in touch with an old neighbour, and could meet them for coffee.

You will find that even if you have made a bad decision, not enjoyed the town or found some noisy b/b with lumpy beds, you have still had the experience and wont do that again, but you will find some lovely places that you really enjoy and are new to you. It is always a pleasure for me to go up the dales. I never tire of the countryside, and visit as often as I can. When, as now , I am in so much pain, I cant really even walk far, not allowed to swim for 6 weeks etc etc, if I am awake at stupid o clock I sometimes decide to just go. Get dressed, car sorted with coffee etc and take up. No one about, very peaceful and I shall be up the top of swaledale to see the sun come up. What could be better? and if I just have to sit in my car and cant manage a walk, no matter my coffee will taste even better sat with my china mug surveying all the beauty of the dales. I do hope that my screed really galvanises you into trying a new way. I wish you the best of luck and let us know how things go.

Wine....lol

I had this problem when DD lived with us and had DGD. She was dating a lovely man at the time but it went from when she was at work, several evenings a week and often overnight. In the end I tried to just limit it to 2 evenings a week but it soon escalated to almost 24/7 again. I insisted she got a Childminder 3 days a week which she did. DGD loved the childminder so much and was very happy there. It cut down the hours I was looking after DGD. I think OP should do the same. Best wishes ❤️

I think if the GC duties are exhausting, this is where you need to make the first change if possible. It sounds like the GC's parent(s) have no idea how tired you are. I also agree with Stillness about quality rather than quantity regarding time with your husband. You may both have different ideas about how to spend your time but you've been together for many years so there must be some common ground somewhere.

We also have a mismatch, maybe always have. I need to keep my brain busy, so I do a lot of puzzles and crosswords. I am Treasurer of three local organisations (one is our u3a which keeps me really involved). I do puzzles even while watching the TV with one eye and ear!

But I don't really have hobbies, DH had lots of plans for his retirement such as at last building a model railway (he has No%%acquired all the equipment over the year), playing the piano (he is pretty good at it), and photography, but none of it has happened in the 15 years since he retired. He seems happy to sit around most of the day, plan nothing, not even hang his clothes up cos he says he is tired.

Nor do I have friends (my bestie died a few years ago and was housebound for the last 5 years before her death), a busy working life with a long commute put paid to that, and haven't really made "friends" with any of my other (many) contacts. I've never been big on hobbies either, but still have loads of family history research to work through, though the enthusiasm has largely gone as no-one seems interested in all my findings so far.

We don't do much childcare now that the GC are early teens.

It's all pretty lonely really. Politics was always something we shared but evening meetings are now a bind and DH has health problems so we often have to cancel. Helping him dress etc also takes up a lot of time and energy and now I have to do all the household chores myself, so I am pretty worn out at the end of the day.

Some sort of social life would be a godsend, but don't know how to go about getting one!

The mismatch you mention , I can relate to, to some extent. It sounds to me that it’s more about having a meaningful relationship with your husband as much as it’s about finding more things to do. So quality rather than quantity. After being married a number of years, sometimes there’s not much to talk about and especially so, if one of the two doesn’t seem to want to communicate. Perhaps you can find something in common that used to inspire you both years ago…..or take some holidays, breaks or even day outings….Even just a small trip once a week can be life changing. If childcare gives you no time at all in the week, then I really would look at that again, as everyone needs some free time.

Invite people to your house.

My energy levels are nothing like yours
And my energy levels are nothing like yours, Bluebelle!!

However, if Horti retired ten years ago, she may be mid-seventies so I'm wondering where my get up and go has gone.

Wine.

To people saying ‘Cut down the childcare’, I would just like to make an observation.
Grandchildren, with some exceptions, are the best thing to happen to grandparents, BUT only if they want to be grandparents and want to be involved. I can’t imagine not loving my grandchildren but I do understand that some people don’t like children. (That begs the question, why did they have children themselves?)
If you have retirement plans, then I would think grandchildren would be a mixed blessing.

I too would cut back on the child-care and find some activities that would take me out of the house and satisfy my need for company or mental stimulation and leave DH to watch television in peace.

I’m aware of some “mismatch” in activity levels I’m happy to take it easy, do stuff when it needs doing, gardening, enjoy travel, days out at least once a week. My wife is always on the go and multi tasks, evenings, watches TV, listens to an audiobook, and plays candy crush at the same time. Same daytimes, rarely sits still, works 2 days visits friends or family usually another 2 days.

That’s the way she is and I encourage her to carry on doing it, she’s happy, I’m happy relaxing more.

Horti. Your OP rings so many bells with me as I let DH rule my life and our social life. We used to babysit two and three days a week which was exhausting. The years just slipped by.

For two years he has been in a care home with dementia and various other things and I spend majority of my life on my own. Friends have disappeared or died and it is very depressing.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Are you child caring every day of the week and do you do it together? If you are that’s an awful lot

I would think after a long marriage ( I haven’t experienced a long one) you would both get a bit bored unless you had a lot in common it sounds as if there’s always been a mismatch with energy levels and ‘doing’ levels but it’s obviously showing more now
The only thing I can suggest is up your game with things that do interest you in the home can you do other things while he’s watching the telly? Do you have sitting down hobbies as presumable even you are tired after childcare i.e. sewing, dress making, reading, crafts, jigsaw puzzles, family tree, sorting photos My energy levels are nothing like yours so I’m quite happy to find things to do while the TV is on in the background probably a bit like your husband obviously your levels have always been different but it’s only showing up now as you’re in each other’s company more, I don’t think either of you are wrong you just have different ways of retirement and need to find away around that. It sounds as if you are doing that anyway I can’t think of anything else except accept that he’s different and always has been and isn’t going to change now

I don't know how people cope with childminding each day when retired. My husband died years before retirement, we had so many plans.

Is there anything that your husband likes to do that you have done as a couple over the years. For me it was walking, somewhat restricted these days. We also enjoy a nice meal out. But socialising is just generally not his thing and never has been.

Since retirement I have found ways to balance time spent together - a meal out; a few days away; gentler walking- with my own preferences. We used to look after ge GC together 1 day a week; enough for both of us. I volunteer weekly and that has widened in scope over the years -all at the same place. I have learnt to be careful to ensure that my time being busy balances with those things that we do together and mostly I get it right.

We still enjoy each others company so the compromises on both sides (he will make an effort and be more sociable when needed etc. I will limit invitations home and meet up with people elsewhere etc) have worked.

I would try to cut back on the GC ‘duties’ . You have raised children and now it is time to relax I think ! Some help, of course, but not to the extent where it is exhausting. Maybe extricate yourself a bit on that front and join an interest group - there are loads of them as I am sure you are aware. We have many women who have joined Probus because their other halves are somewhat inert !

Do you look after DGC every day? How many of them?

We only did a couple of days but that was exhausting enough, being older grandparents. Could you find a playgroup or nursery where the DGC could go to part-time?

Your DH sounds rather fed up, perhaps he didn't think retirement would involve child care and is too exhausted to think about anything else.

You need to find a balance - together. Talk to him, suggest things you might both like to do 🙂
We joined the National Trust for one thing.

Yes I do arrange meals out with friends etc and I’ve joined a new social group
I’m not short of options

It’s a bit of an effort sometimes with minimal turnaround time to get out after childcare !
But for me being out and about is important less so for DH
I love the GC to bits need to find a better balance

Elowen, it's maybe not so easy just to 'drop the childcare'.

I would stop the childcare so that you have more energy to be sociable in the evenings with the things you have in pace already.

It doesn’t have to include your husband who is happy doing what he is doing now.

Good advice there from Lathyrus3
Develop your own interests, if you don’t want tv on , read in your bedroom or do puzzles?
Book a meal out or suggest going to see a film together?

Actually I think I sympathise with both of you. I like a fair amount of stimulus but I have to say grandchild duties would wear me out and all I’d want to do would be to zombie out in the evening,

The thought of more mixing with people and having to listen and respond would be unbearable.

I guess either cut down on the grandchild duties so he’s not so used up by the evening or find stuff that does give you the adult conversation/stimulus.

It is a mismatch in needs, I agree.