How do I not feel crushed about this ?

I looked after my sister for 3 months after a major heart operation. In all that time only one of her friends came to visit.

It was one of my friends who came every weekend to sit with her and give me a break 🙄

I hope you don’t feel quite so bad now that you know how often it happens to lots of us!

When my late friend was dying it was remarkable how the worse she got, the less people would visit. I understand it’s upsetting as it was upsetting for me too but why don’t people think how they’d feel themselves if they were left to face these tough times alone? You have every right to feel upset and you really don’t need a fair weather friend in the future

Ceejayjay if you get back to work this w eek you will have less time to ponder on why your erstwhile friend appears to have abandoned you.
One of the friendships I was referring to in my previous post was lifelong, 65 years at the time. That was 8 years ago and I havnt heard a word from her since. She doesn’t know whether my dd or dh lived or died, and clearly doesn’t care. That’s hard to take but I have got over it as you will.
Stop thinking about her and look after yourself.

The thing with the *ups and downs” of life theory is that when you are “up”you are up and it tends to lead to more opportunities for staying “up” despite other stuff going on in your life.

Conversely when you are “down” without some intervention, some imperative to change the course of your mindset, you will stay down.
A person living alone and with minimal obligations to anyone will not in the normal course of their day have an opportunity to be influenced by anything or anyone.

It will be all their own work if they attempt anything at all and if they succeed it will still be exhausting.
This is what most people find frustrating, both the sufferer and outsiders such as eg DWP they see you do something once, the expectation is you will do it every day just as well or better.

It is very similar imo to the “ask a busy person” theory if you want something done. They believe they can do it. They do it.

Someone who has “all day” so to speak might not know where to start, there are too many things that need attending to but which one to do first?

So when all things seem quite pointless it might be a case of the least pointless action, that affects that change.

I completely agree that you discover your true friends 'when the chips are down'. I first discovered this 25 years ago when my husband had an affair, the children were small and I was pole axed by it and one friend in particular, who I phoned said 'oh yes, and some people talk about it and some don't.' Some friends who I thought would be there, faded into the background.

In life, I've learnt now to see that most people are actually very involved in their own lives, may have had pain of a similar sort which they can't face in themselves, let alone in anyone else and/or they simply don't have space to give you some. In fact, very old friends are often the worst in my experience. I also think the pandemic has dramatically changed how people relate to each other.

Sadly, I also think the UK is now quite an uncaring society, too many years of seeing people on benefits as shirkers and work shy. Even now, the fact that 1 in 4 people are out of work has been labelled as a 'problem' to be solved by getting them back into work as though 35 hours of slaving on basic pay will somehow feel rewarding. As for people, especially young people, being called snowflakes and trauma being reframed as the swings and roundabouts of life and minimised (and that was on All in the Mind, BBC!), words fail me.

Take care, OP, don't expect too much of others and do whatever you need to, to recover a little.

I've experienced the same, more than once, believe me. I've learned that some people lack empathy, nothing you can do about that. Disappointment is a very underestimated emotion.

You've seen her for who she is, accept and adapt. Say nothing, move on with dignity and self respect. Practice self care, comfort yourself, be your own best friend.

Write down what to treat yourself with in days/weeks to come then make sure to do it/buy it....even if it's a trip to a beauty spot or garden centre, coffee and cake somewhere nice, a lunch out, even an ice cream in the sun. Buy a new book, new hair do, a massage, watch a good film, a walk somewhere new. Give yourself things to look forward to.

It's what I would do and I hope you feel better very soon. [Now off to take my own advice...hehe!]

I had this happen recently with a friend of many years, when my husband suddenly had a stroke and then several bleeds on the brain I got a few texts from her then things sort of petered out, despite the fact that prior to all thus when she had a TIA my husband ran her to hospital until her husband arrived and I went round nearly every day to see her because she said she was really scared of being alone and her husband had to go into hospital for a minor op. My whole life turned upside down and am now faced with being a full time carer but surprisingly is not my small circle of friends coming round but a couple of amazing neighbours and have got so much support from friends made on this forum.
It really does take something like this to know who your friends are.

I'm so sorry but people can be very self centred

I left my home town in 2003, a friend, who was a teacher, came to visit every holiday (except Christmas) with her 2 young boys.
My husband took ill in April 2007 and died in October 2007, never heard a word from her during his illness or since.
Guess her free holidays came to an end

Thankyou all.

Yes the “where are you” text sounds like something I might consider although I’m not sure I see a friendship anymore to be honest

I understand how you are feeling but could you contact her first and explain why you have been out of circulation.( I know she should be the one to initiate by rights)? Some people ( to their shame) are afraid to engage in what they feel are MH issues and don’t know how to cope. If she does not respond just move on (with a heavy heart) and focus on your family or other friends.

ceejayjay consider this: just perhaps your friend on meeting your daughter twice is feeling inadequate to help and so was asking your daughter to sort of get a sense of whether or not she is up to the challenge.

And yes sometimes it is just that. I dread visiting my sister she has dementia) in her care home -which is one of the best because I don’t know how to be, or how I should be.

Somehow, perhaps through your daughter, you have to communicate that you would really really love it if she could come and visit you. Or send a text, you have nothing to lose but all of the uncertainty.
The text could read “where are you”?
All the absolute best wishes for your health ceejayjay 💐

You are not alone. Don't take it personally. How people who are "friends" treat us is often disappointing.

Thankyou everyone.

I’m hoping to get back to work this week. I try not to put expectations on anyone for this reason but I cannot help feeling massively hurt by this and don’t think our friendship can recover. A simple text takes seconds doesn’t it but it means so much

How long do you think until you go back to work. ? Assuming you do, I think you will start to feel better sooner than you think.
It’s disappointing when friends let you down, but I found when my dd and dh both seriously ill, who my friends were.
It was surprising that some of my closest and longest term friends absented themselves while others surprised me with their kindness.
Don’t waste time thinking about it, she may have problems of her own, or just be thoughtless, either way it won’t help if you dwell on this.

ceejayjay

I’m so sorry that’s really sad

Thank you and I hope you make a great recovery 💐

It is hard to accept but you need to move on and forget about them. This happened to me back in 2017 when i was really ill. They are not worth a sleepless night about.

I’m so sorry that’s really sad

You certainly find out who your true friends are when the “chips are down “!
OH and myself helped a friend who was transferred to a hospital closer to us than where he and his partner lived as he needed post-stroke rehab, we visited every day to save his partner making such a long journey. We even did his washing, and often took his favourite meals in as he wasn’t keen on the hospital menu etc. He went on to make a great recovery. Didn’t see either of them for dust when I was taken seriously ill.