Fighting with Daughter - at a loss

NannyFi - first of all you are not a failure. We do the best we can, under the circumstances.
My daughter was very close to her Dad (we are now divorced) - she is a Daddy’s girl and I truly think, she secretly blames me for the break up of the marriage (although he’s the one who left me for another woman) - in the early days, there were things she said which really hurt. Unfortunately, she is also now divorced.
I have 3 children. My middle son is also very difficult and we have head butted many times.
My youngest son is the sweetest and most placid boy you can find.
I can empathise with you - we are not a solid family unit. We did our best. I have not remarried, nor have I had a relationship with anyone. I choose to stay single.
Just leave well alone. Don’t make a big thing of it. She will come round. Give it a little time.

Even in families people are very different. They experience that same situations differently and feel differently about them.

The best road forward for you is to accept that. That means acknowledging her feelings and how that has affected her. That's often what is needed for a child to understand that a mother really did her best, by doing your best to be supportive now that shows you did your best then. If she feels you aren't acknowledging her feelings and needs now, she won't be able to feel you did over past situations.

Hope this helps and things improve

Did she want your help?
You say:
I've told her I'm only there to help with cooking/cleaning

If she didn't want it then it's not "help" however well intended.

I didn't want help with anything (even cooking and cleaning) when I had my babies. I saw it as interfering.
I came from a very stable and loving home but wanted to do my own family my own way.
I was lucky to have a very involved and loving husband but I think I would have been the same if a single mum.

I'm only saying this as I know all mums are different and I had friends who wanted mums there a lot!
Maybe your daughter is more like me.

Can you afford to stay in other accommodation when you visit? Clearly she finds it difficult to have somebody else (even her mum) around all the time. Most of us do😬

She wishes you were just around the corner so she still loves you and wants you in her life, just not 24 hours a day.
Even someone doing jobs for you like cooking and cleaning around can get on your nerves after a bit.

She snapped and said things that have upset you. Did you never snap at her when she was a child? I know I’ve done both of those to my parents and children and had my children snap at me!

Don’t let it fester in your own mind. Try to file it under family spat if you can💐

I dont think I normaly say this, and dont really know much about it, but would family counselling help?
It sounds like your daughter has many unresolved issues with you.
Maybe she has misunderstandings about certain things too?

You say you are close with your daughter so all is not lost, it seems to me that she could be struggling with being a new mum and of course those closest to her could be in the firing line. But you are not a failure, you tried your best and like all of us there were periods of muddling through, life can be hard and there are no perfect families.
For now be kind to yourself, do something you enjoy and try to put what is happening to one side for now. Then try calling her and suggest you both start again, and that she is honest about how she feels you can help the most right now.
All the best xxx

We all have to live with our past decisions whether it was our own fault or not and it does affect the relationship with children.
My sister is almost identical to you, chose bad husbands had a miserable life much worse than you have had, second husband got jailed both daughters walked out a 16. The eldest has never spoken to her since, the younger keeps guarded contact. It wasn’t all her fault but it was her decisions that enabled it to happen.

All you can do is keep contact and don’t make waves, you can’t change the past.