Boring Husband and my retirement

My husband is like this too. I've heard it called a "silent divorce" - like a real divorce but without the legal document. I have had to make my own life, WI, U3A, volunteering in a charity shop and local museum. He just sits there and does a crossword.
I am considering a real divorce but our house value isn't enough to buy 2 smaller properties, so for now I have to live my life and mostly ignore him.
But friends have asked if I can really live this way for the rest of my life - I wonder that too, but at least I am getting out and about. (My school friend is in exactly the same position with her hubby, what is the matter with these men?)

Not wishing to sound unkind, but OP has dismissed her DH as “boring” because he doesn’t want to do what she wants.
He may find her suggestions equally boring, so why is he automatically at fault?
If you enjoy different pursuits follow different pursuits! If you want different things, do different things.
But surely OP (and we posters) can do better than to suggest divorce/ dementia/ LTB/childish retaliation ?

I agree, and also it sounds like your daughter would support you which would help a lot.

Do absolutely nothing for him. No cooking, shopping or cleaning. I'd tell him once that you're no longer his servant. Leave him to stew. Also tell him the silence treatment won't work. You already live in silence.

You’re suggesting a lot of unkind treatments. Yes she should live her own precious life but not by stooping to tit for tat silliness.

Not sure about the toy boy but agree with all the rest. It’s your one and only life - don’t let it be over before it’s actually over.

I recommend divorce

I really sympathise with you Blis1234, and echo what others have said. Speak to your DH about how you feel and if he’s not responsive or willing to change . Start living your own life . Join U3A and find some interests. Do volunteering. I volunteer in a charity shop and have meet many different people . Join a yoga or Pilates class . The smaller classes tend to be friendlier than the big leisure centre classes . Do you have friends or family you could talk to ? .
Crossstitchfan, I found your itching powder comment amusing.

The toll on your health is too.much.

mabon2

Go out on your own and by a new vacuum cleaner for goodness sake.

What good would that do?

Regarding your Asda trip, I'd have meandered round then had a coffee & cake in the cafe before returning to the car! If you are going to stay with him you need to plough your own furrow and find things to do without him - a book club, a local cafe where you can have a cuppa on your own, a craft club. I go to my lovely local library once a week, not to take a book out necessarily, but to sit, read my Kindle and people watch, it's just something different. If you drive, plan a trip with a picnic and off you go. You never know, maybe your OH will be encouraged to join you.

My advice is to tell him you are unhappy with your life and see what he says. If he refuses to talk, you have your answer, your feelings don’t matter to him whatsoever. As others say, stop waiting on him and start living, we’re only here once and it’s up to us how we live our lives. I’ve travelled all over the world with the Singles holiday companies, because travelling is my desire. Make a bucket list, and start living while you still have the chance, regardless of him, he can do whatever he wants too, even if that means nothing. Some people stop living when they’re still alive…… good luck

Go out on your own and by a new vacuum cleaner for goodness sake.

My advice, join some clubs, do an evening class, make new friends, look up old friends, be really brave and book a weekend away alone! Enjoy yourself and leave him to cater for himself

Sounds like you separated years ago, but never divorced!
I can see what he's still getting from the 'relationship' - his cooking, shopping and laundry etc done, but what are you getting out of it? I'm guessing that the physical side of things died long ago too? Divorce him now and enjoy what's left of your life on your terms, or at least get yourself an energetic toyboy and have some fun!

My Dh has just about given up going anywhere apart from local football. He spends the whole summer pottering in the garden and I have to pretend to be interested in the mounds of green beans and potatoes. He sits in a separate room to watch telly because we both watch different programmes. I long ago realised I would have to make my own entertainment, and I now go out with friends rather than him.
This year for my 65th birthday myself and Dd went to South Africa on safari, we invited him but of course he said no, for which I was grateful. People on our tour group asked my daughter what her dad would dislike about the trip and she said 'everything' which was true. Make your own social.life without your Dh, once you stop expecting him to join in it's much easier

Quite often lately, when I have posted a comment (not bitchy, or unkind, just how I feel at the time) some people have criticised me for what I have said. Even people I have always respected, looked up to, and followed, have come back at me!
It hurts.
Have I done or said something to attract this sniping? If so, I apologise.
If not, can people please think before they get at me. At my age and (probably playing the sympathy card here), with a terminal illness, I really could do with people being a little more understanding. I have enough on my plate without people I trusted and thought of as Internet friends suddenly turning on me.
The funny thing is, I was jogging along nicely, making comments, getting pleasant replies, then suddenly one person,(yes, just one) picked me up on something. Since then, I have found that most of my comments are getting the same treatment. Can one person really start something like this? It’s so upsetting and frightening.
Time for me to leave, maybe? Shame, because initially I found people to be kind and, even if they disagreed with me, were up for a friendly debate, and I enjoyed that. I was also praised for helpful comments and my sympathy. That’s not the case now, and it’s getting me down.

Ziggy62

Some people need to return to the school playground 🙄

Was that directed at me, Ziggy62?

Oh Rosie, it was just meant as a bit of fun and I am surprised that you have taken umbrage with it! Serious issues on here need very serious answers, true, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to try to lighten the load a little.
I am really sad/surprised that you aren’t who I thought you were and that your opinion of me has changed due to one silly attempt at humour.
(But thank you for the compliment)

Some people need to return to the school playground 🙄

Crossstitchfan

RosieandherMaw

TheWeirdoAgain60

Crossstitchfan .... itching powder in his pants! Fantastic idea! Then Blis1234 can tell him to do his own washing!

How old are you?
7?

I always thought highly of you Rosie……until now! What a strange comment! (Unless I have got the wrong end of the stick)

My reaction was based entirely on my thought that an articulate mature woman with life experience might come up with something less puerile than schoolboy humour.
It seems I was wrong.

I have a question for you: how would you feel if he died suddenly? Would it be a relief? If the answer is “Yes”, it looks like your marriage is no longer functional, you are simply housemates. If you can’t be bothered leaving him, you definitely need to create your own life now, with activities that will keep you happy and occupied. As for the cooking, maybe discuss with him what he would like to do - perhaps he could order in Wiltshire Farm Food meals! 😆

RosieandherMaw

TheWeirdoAgain60

Crossstitchfan .... itching powder in his pants! Fantastic idea! Then Blis1234 can tell him to do his own washing!

How old are you?
7?

I always thought highly of you Rosie……until now! What a strange comment! (Unless I have got the wrong end of the stick)

I'm with the posters who question whether you really want to pack up and leave after so much time invested in your relationship and home. I know I wouldn't at this stage unless abuse was involved. As posted, my husband is very inactive and a lot less talkative these days because of hearing and stroke. However, before that he was, mostly, active, planning holidays and chatting about world affairs etc. He needs me now more as a carer, but is happy for me to disappear to follow my own interests. Main change is I can't just up sticks and head off for a few days on my own. I'd think very carefully before deciding to leave but would try carving a life for yourself first. You can always think again.

But what people aren’t considering is that this is the way Blis1234 has chosen to live for as long as ever, if the adult daughter mentioned that her Dad hadn’t changed presumable since she was a child, it’s always been so
How can this be all his fault if he has been ‘allowed’ to be this sort of person all their married life of course he won’t understand why the rules have all changed from a subservient wife having his dinner on the plate each night, doing the washing up, and waiting on him almost with a curtsy and a ‘yes sir’ ….to someone who wants to go out and about, on holidays and for coffees, and generally be very sociable…..over night
You may as well try to teach a lion not to roar

Blis1234 your only way forward is to build up your life little by little and either he can join in or carry on his solo activities as he always has and then once or twice a week you can say I m not cooking tonight so either it’s your turn or we can go out for a meal or I ll get a takeaway for us, then you can build it up bit by bit but you rarely can teach an old dog new tricks so be aware things may never change for him but they can for you
Exciting times ahead