Boring Husband and my retirement

If you don’t want to leave the marriage just make your own life within it Go where you want, when you want, cook if you want to or not if you don’t
You ve trained him into this role !!! he’s asked …you ve jumped to attention
You obviously don’t have anything at all in common! you sleep in separate bedrooms! why are you with him, ? either leave or stay but have your own life outside of any expectations of a happy couple retirement it’s not happening, he is what he’s always been he’s not going to be different now is he ?

Blis1234

Thank you for replying to my post.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve known for a while that our marriage is over. Its just hard to admit it, isn’t it. It’s just such a shame, as now we are free to do things and go places without having to worry, he doesn’t want to.

He’s always been a “do things my way” man. If I didn’t, he’d sulk for a week, completely blanking me. Something happened a few weeks ago and once again I got the silent treatment. My daughter was visiting and noticed how he was behaving towards me and said “ he’s not still doing that to you is he, I remember him doing that when I was younger”. I thought I’d managed to fool her when she was little that everything was ok, but obviously Kids do notice and they do remember.

Ladies, You are right, I do need to start going out and doing things on my own. He’s not going to ruin my retirement. And today, there will be no Sunday dinner on the table for him. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and freezer if he gets hungry.

So pleased you’ve decided on a course of action. I don’t think he’s likely to change very much, but if you change then he’ll have to get used to you not being around.

If you can’t afford to leave him then do as others have suggested. Make your own life…..ignore him as he is ignoring you.

If you acknowledge your marriage has been over for years Blis1234, surely you would be happier on your own? You will not enjoy your retirement to the full potential if you’re living with somebody you don’t love, however hard you try to escape. One of my friends has recently taken the leap, and she is so much happier not to have to live her life under a shroud of disapproval.

I'm in the why are you still there camp? This will only get worse you have your own future in your own hands. I appreciate it's hard, but do it for your own sanity otherwise this will be your life.
Sounds like your DD is fully aware so it's not new behaviour. Good luck.

Like others upthread I have wondered why you are sitting passively moaning but not doing anything about it.
Primrose is in a similar position but for totally different reasons and my heart goes put to her for making the best of a terribly difficult situation.
We cannot always choose the cards we are dealt- health, bereavement, economic hardship can all make mincemeat of our plans, but its how you play your hand that matters.
So get up, get out, find activities YOU enjoy, show a bit of independence and don't blame just your DH if you find your life boring.
Do something about it.

Primrose

I am in a similar position but my poor husband had a dreadful stroke 9 months ago and can’t walk, is in a wheelchair, poor speech, only one working hand etc. life has changed beyond all recognition and we expected to be going out together, taking longer holidays and so on.

My whole morning has been taken up with showering him (which is a major feat) dressing him, sorting out the meds for a week (we do that together) stripping and clean sheeting his bed, making him coffees, making snack lunch. He thanks me for everything I do so I do know he appreciates me.

He was always busy and now he has to sit around all day feeling sad. I take him out in the car when he agrees, I take him for stroke exercise once a week, I encourage friends to visit and right now we are sitting in the sunshine in the garden. Even for that I have to put a big ramp out of the patio door, chivvy him along, get his baseball cap and suncream and drinks then the minute I sit down he spots weeds that need pulling up. He says he didn’t mean for me to pull them up but I do. We can no longer just do anything it all has to be planned. We both hate it.

Could your husband have worries about his health or money? I think you need to make him discuss this and then decide how you want to proceed. Our stories are similar yet different.

Blis1234

Thank you for replying to my post.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve known for a while that our marriage is over. Its just hard to admit it, isn’t it. It’s just such a shame, as now we are free to do things and go places without having to worry, he doesn’t want to.

He’s always been a “do things my way” man. If I didn’t, he’d sulk for a week, completely blanking me. Something happened a few weeks ago and once again I got the silent treatment. My daughter was visiting and noticed how he was behaving towards me and said “ he’s not still doing that to you is he, I remember him doing that when I was younger”. I thought I’d managed to fool her when she was little that everything was ok, but obviously Kids do notice and they do remember.

Ladies, You are right, I do need to start going out and doing things on my own. He’s not going to ruin my retirement. And today, there will be no Sunday dinner on the table for him. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and freezer if he gets hungry.

Good, start as you mean to go on.👍

I belong to the local U3A and go to flims, poetry group, music appreciation group - and I organize classical concert trips for them. I am also going to a seated ballet taster session soon!

I am part of a group of local women who raise money for good causes in the village - for instance we funded a lovely playground - and we organize fetes, carol events etc. etc.

I also run a choir and sing with a choral society; and I design all the publicity for village events.

There is no reason on earth why you should not do any of these things - or similar ones which suit you.

There is no point in fighting the fact that your OH is just not interested. Leave that lie - take it as a given that has nothing whatever to0 do with how you choose to lead your life.

Why are you dashing round the supermarket? - if he chooses to sit in the car then he will have to wait as long as it takes to shop properly.

Do you drive? - if not, take taxis to all the things you would like to do and leave him to stew at home. He might find himself having to make a slice of toast!

Stop letting him rule your life - he has made his choices about what he wants to do with his retirement - you make yours.

Oh god no! I couldn’t live like this.
You’ve got no life what-so-ever apart from pandering to him.
Even if you take the advice of going out on your own, you would still have to come home to him and his sulking, as you haven’t done what he wants.
You said that you’ve realised your marriage was over a long time ago, so be brave, start your own life right now and divorce him, see a solicitor and get things in motion.

My only comment, OP, is why the hell have you stayed this long?

"He barely communicates, rarely makes eye contact."

So how come you even notice (or care) when he's "doing the silent treatment". ?

What you have is unpaid staff to mind the house and act as unpaid security, take in parcels, deal with the window cleaner , do his own laundry etc while you're free as a bird to go gallivanting. Or have a duvet day with your library books and podcasts. Take off on a cheap last minute flight to (anywhere in Europe) and book a BB when you arrive. While you're out having fun, splash out your pension on some fish and chips or a nice pub lunch with a glass of wine. Go for coffee and cake with a neighbour, or by yourself.

Don't cook for him; he can help himself to cereal for breakfast, a cheese sandwich for lunch and ham salad for dinner.Or he could order a months supply of ready made dinners to microwave. This is liberation for him too! No more pestering to "do things together".

Can you drive the car yourself or does he have it to himself?

"In the last two weeks, the only place I’ve been to is one trip to our local Asda to get the food shop. "

How is that your husband's fault?

As a retired woman, you can go out on your own, have separate interests . Having such a boring reclusive husband leaves you MORE free to do your own thing/ what the hell you like.

I assume, as you have retired recently, you have access to your own money/pension and what you do with it is up to you. So, go and enjoy yourself. I am in much the same position, especially since my husband's stroke. He is very deaf and the medication he is on makes him very tired. Fortunately, he's always been quite happy for me to do my own thing, but his health has put some restrictions on that. We are considering moving nearer relatives which would be easier for me.

What a miserable old bugger he is!
I would not be cooking his dinner and clearing away after he leaves the table…….in fact I would be encouraging his to take an active part in meal planning and preparation as well as doing the food shopping. There’s no guarantee that he will never be on his own………how will he cope without the basic skills in life?

As for going out, do was a pp said, join WI and/or u3a and broaden your horizons by yourself, for yourself. You are not his housekeeper. In your position I would be going out for the day, even taking the service bus to the next town would be an excursion and a change for you. Leave him to his own devices for a few hours OP, his belly will find his brain.

Thank you for replying to my post.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve known for a while that our marriage is over. Its just hard to admit it, isn’t it. It’s just such a shame, as now we are free to do things and go places without having to worry, he doesn’t want to.

He’s always been a “do things my way” man. If I didn’t, he’d sulk for a week, completely blanking me. Something happened a few weeks ago and once again I got the silent treatment. My daughter was visiting and noticed how he was behaving towards me and said “ he’s not still doing that to you is he, I remember him doing that when I was younger”. I thought I’d managed to fool her when she was little that everything was ok, but obviously Kids do notice and they do remember.

Ladies, You are right, I do need to start going out and doing things on my own. He’s not going to ruin my retirement. And today, there will be no Sunday dinner on the table for him. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and freezer if he gets hungry.

RedRidingHood

Well aside from his behaviour why are you going shopping as a couple? Why don't you do all the things you want on your own?
My DH isn't interested in going out much but I don't ask him, I just go.
I get most shopping delivered and just go myself for extras, fresh fruit and veg etc.
I go to classes and groups on my own. I wouldn't want to do everything together, you'd end up struggling for conversation.
We sit in different rooms to watch TV, get out own breakfast and lunch. He goes to the gym or swimming without me.
What we do together is walking every day and sit down for dinner together.

I don't think the fact that you do things separately is a problem but not talking or being unpleasant is a different problem.

Well said RR

Well aside from his behaviour why are you going shopping as a couple? Why don't you do all the things you want on your own?
My DH isn't interested in going out much but I don't ask him, I just go.
I get most shopping delivered and just go myself for extras, fresh fruit and veg etc.
I go to classes and groups on my own. I wouldn't want to do everything together, you'd end up struggling for conversation.
We sit in different rooms to watch TV, get out own breakfast and lunch. He goes to the gym or swimming without me.
What we do together is walking every day and sit down for dinner together.

I don't think the fact that you do things separately is a problem but not talking or being unpleasant is a different problem.

If you want to persevere with him ask him his opinion of something on the news. You may still find something in common, You say the news was "blaring out". Is he deaf? Is he interested in current events? Are you?

Ask him to teach you about how vacuum cleaners work. Ask him to accompany you on a ghost hunt, or a balloon trip across the Midlands of England. Sitting in a cafe , and "just going out"enter into a lot of actual activities.

At least he knows when you are in the house and what you are doing . If you live alone you won't even have that unless you get a dog.

As alchemillasaid go out on your own. If he refuses to go for a coffee just go yourself. Plan some days out and again if he says no you go and enjoy yourself.
Your DH sounds boring but you don't so you can have more fun on your own.
Don't live half a life with someone who is so selfish.

Has he always been so distant or has his behaviour changed? Has he also recently retired? Is he worried about money?

Sorry for so many questions but it sounds like this is a relatively recent change in his behaviour as you say you were looking forward to spending more time with him.

But in answer to your question, No, this is not what the next chapter of your life should look like.

Join U3A and join all the interest groups you can. Join WI and anything else going. You will soon make friends. How about volunteering? Go to the cinema on your own if you have to. Start a book group or a walking group. Book a holiday - lots of companies run holidays for Solos. My DH isn’t very sociable and is often unwell. I am out for at least part of almost everyday.

My goodness How have you resisted poisoning the food the bast*rd demands? I’m sorry but I can see no option for you but to separate. I don’t recommend that lightly as I have always thought things can be turned around. Not in this case though, I don’t think.
Ideally he should leave, but he won’t, I’m sure.
If it were me, I would wait until he is out, then change the locks. Then I would see a solicitor to get a divorce under way. (Some things/actions just can’t be forgiven).
In the meantime, I think you should act as though he’s not there.
Don’t speak to him.
Don’t cook for him.
If you want to go out, go. Don’t tell him you are going, or where.
Cook your own meals, but nothing for him. If he wants food, he can cook it himself. The same with shopping. Shop for your food only, nothing for him.
(I am assuming he is not violent and that these actions would not result in you being physically hurt).
I would also buy itching powder and put it in his underpants!
Joking apart, no-one should have to live like this. It’s bordering on mental cruelty.
I think what you describe gas gone beyond anything Marriage Guidance can tackle and, to my mind, divorce is the only option.
Please let us know the outcome.