Holiday care for mum with dementia

Thanks - yes, not spaghetti, I do need to tread carefully as I don't want to make him feel guilty.
I could just say I don't feel, despite my best efforts, that I'm as good with Mum as he is.

I would offer to help him find somewhere with specialist dementia care.

A friend's mother became like this. It's not possible to live with constant abuse and fear.
I think your brother will understand if you explain to him honestly what you have been through but be careful to try not to make him feel guilty for going away.

If I knew my sibling had such a horrible stay I would feel really bad about having a much needed break - and what you want is a solution in place for the future.

Thinking of you.

Does she hit your brother or his wife? It could all be part of the dementia. It can bring out the worst of people's personalities. My mother started to get like that towards the end. I would sit down and have a gentle but heart to heart with my brother about what is going to happen to your mother when the going gets really bad further down the road. My mother had to go into a care home in the end because she needed professional medical care which we could not offer at home. This is a problem that will need to be sorted irrespective of how you feel personally.

Yes your brother should arrange professional respite care for her- presumably she gets attendance allowance? You should say you are sorry, but you just aren’t capable of coping with her for any length of time. You maybe could offer to help find a suitable carer or respite home.

Next time she should go to a respite home. She'll be well looked after there and you could visit if you wanted to knowing that you could just walk away if she was nasty to you.

I've just come home fopr a break while my son does an overnight, & I think I didn't realise how much it was affecting me until I got back - you just have to grit your teeth & be patient while you're there.
I did tell my brother she hit me as it obviously has implications for a frail partner coming home if she is behaving like this.
But while he's having a break from everything, I won't worry him too much. I think I have to tell him to arrange things without relying on me in the future, but that will wait till he's back.
Thanks for replies everyone,
Mum can be really endearing & grateful when she is in the right mood & I have a good relationship with brother & S-i-L,

Have you told your brother how your mother is treating you, including the violence, when you look after her, and how hard you find doing so? I think that’s the first thing to do if you haven’t already, as he may not realise. If he understands, you could then hopefully work amicably with him to find the best solution for his future holidays, bearing in mind he will really need them if he continues to care for her full time.

You have been an Angel by the sound of it, and a better person than I am. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, have put up with that sort of abuse.
I don’t think you should ask your brother to bring her to you. Why are you inviting more abuse? Your mother is vicious and you should not have to put with being attacked, dementia or no dementia.
In my book, you are more than justified in refusing to do it again. Let your brother sort it out and earn some of the perks he’s clearly been getting!

Maybe she could stay temporarily in a respite home when your brother goes away. It’s up to your brother to decide how he wants to proceed in the future without relying on you. Putting family history aside, and whether she knows what she’s doing or not, you shouldn’t have to put up with abuse.