Feeling hurt and annoyed

Q1- stop doing things for him? I would say not- tit for tat approach runs the risk of coming across passive aggressive and won't in itself resolve your situation.

Q2- Explain how selfish he is being? Communicate yes- perhaps more along the lines as others have suggested.." when you work all week and also now are spending so much time away at weekends, I feel xxxx. Can we find time to spend together doing things we both enjoy?"

Q3 - Start doing my own thing and let him get on with it? Yes to having your own interest and hobbies and finding pleasure and enjoyment in things independent of your partner. Allow him to do that same- which you are doing but its about balance with enjoyable couple time in the middle. Reassure him you dont want to stop him enjoying his hobby, but what suggestions can you agree together to find that golden time in the middle?

Is your partner coming up to retirement also in the next year or so? If so you will have a lot more time to spend together during the week even as he continues to enjoy his interests. Is there a chance he could wrk part time meanwhile ( know it might not be possible) so he has time in the week for couple time?

It's about negotiation and finding solutions together for enjoyable couple time and as you say you rub along together generally, so long may that continue. Good luck!

Reported

But if you are only offering pottering together around the house and garden at weekends as an alternative of course his motorcycle is going to win (I think it will anyway) he obviously loves it and you don’t so now you’re retired you want to do things at the weekend but it’s not going to happen…. well it might in the weekends he’s not on motorbike weekends but I d find something exciting to do while he’s away on them

He’s not going to change and if he did, he’d be unhappy and mopey so wouldn’t be much use for a fun weekend
I d get used to some other way of having a good weekend and let him make his own dinner if you go out with friends

Babs03 Thu 25-Sept-25 15:31:15
Have you talked about this?
Looks like you are feeling increasingly annoyed by his behaviour so telling us about it is helpful inasmuch as you get it off your chest and hear what others have to say, but the person you need to get it off your chest to is your partner. Am not suggesting an argy bargy, just sit down in a relaxed manner with him one evening after he has wound down after work and have a chat about it, he probably has no idea how you really feel about this.
Good luck with it
I totally agree with Babbs! Getting angry and attacking or retaliating will lead to worse pain and worse relationships. It is so easy to forget that the other person has a different understanding of what is happening, and talking and good listening is the way to go.

Thank you for your responses. I do not want to go racing with him and there is not a role for me. I hate motorbikes, the noise and everything about them, always have done and it is the racing of them I cannot stand. I worry that when he races he will come off and get hurt like he has done before. (really nasty) As for cooking him a nice meal - I cook every night so think I am showing willing most of the time. If I do have a day out with friends I always leave him something easy to cook. When I try to talk to him I am against his phone as he scrolls through all the pictures taken whilst at the meetings.
Madgran you are so right. Relationships do not survive on hobbies alone and we are now going down different paths.
I will wait until the run of weekends is over and have the conversation. He doesnt want to hear what I have to say even though I have tried in the past, so I will try again and as some have suggested start doing my own thing.
Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Skydancer

It’s good to find a man with a hobby. So many haven’t. Better than him sitting around bored.

Hmm. It's good to have a mutually supportive and enjoyable relationship too rather than being endlessly ignored because of a "hobby". Relationships don't surviv on hobbies alone!

It’s good to find a man with a hobby. So many haven’t. Better than him sitting around bored.

The trouble with these passions is that they so easily become obsessions. I know - football managing in dh’s case which has been ongoing for years. When he’s not managing, he is training, scouting, watching player videos etc. I thought it would be over in a few months, but it wasn’t and has gone on for years. So my advice is unless you join him at these motorbike sessions, or find something else for yourself to do as some have suggested, is to nip this in the bud. This means you have to talk and reach a compromise. Don’t expect to stop him completely but try to get it down to a more reasonable level.

I think the best thing you can do is find something you like to do at the weekends and not rely on his company Find a new hobby for yourself many many of us have weekends alone for a variety of reasons
If you ask him to stop going you will have a resentful man who just falls asleep in front of the tv

You say you rub along for the most part and weekends are normally spent doing a bit of gardening or things around the house it doesn’t sound as if he’s missing much Find yourself a hobby or interest and go out for a little adventure of your own and let him enjoy his weekends

When his five weekends are up arrange a day out for you both not pottering around the house at the moment there’s no competition

Weekends with my motorcycle and like minded people
OR
pottering around the house and garden !!!

He is a man who is still working and has a passion for motor bikes. Why don't you try to show some interest by asking general questions? Types of motorbikes? Progress made as mechanic? At least you would be making some connection. I'd make a neat list of jobs for him to do that need doing and ask him reasonably to fit them in as they need doing and you are unable to do them owing to whatever. Cook him a nice meal or a favourite treat to show willing. It is a story as ancient as the hills. Then, start to focus on your own interests and try to get out and about the times he is busy with his motorbikes. Start telling him about what you have done.

It is difficult when a couple don’t have shared interests and one person can feel quite isolated when their OH is so committed to a hobby that takes up a lot of their free time.
In the same position as Flakesdayout I think I would be inclined to channel my free time into interests of my own and not make myself quite so available to my OH when they were at home (rather like a taste of their own medicine I guess) . Perhaps the OH might see the error of their ways and cut down on the commitment to their specific hobby and move towards quality time with the partner?

I believe that many good things can come from communicating, and both people sharing their thoughts and feelings.

In your case, I don't think you want to come across as accusatory but simply as curious about the situation and wanting to understand what he sees and how he intends to keep the balance going between you. Perhaps he's oblivious to the effect his activities have on you. Perhaps he has an idea but doesn't want to face it.

Why not start out by saying how much you can see he enjoys his activities, and that you miss your times together. Is he able, with you, to create a schedule whereby you both keep your close times AND he has times for his activities?

This may be far out, but maybe you both could consider finding a role for you to play in his activities so that at times you could accompany him.

Maybe I'm being too idealistic, but I wouldn't give up until you have tried to communicate in order to understand, not to win. The win-win solution may be one that neither of you anticipates.

I am not being flippant with that remark, I do not think he has the time for another woman, he's just so wrapped up in himself.

OldFrill. Most times he is away can be Friday to late Sunday or Sat am to Sunday pm. This trip is overseas. Yes he has become more selfish and I will be having a chat with him as he is so oblivious. I do not think he has the brain power to be in anything with another woman.
Thank you to all who have replied.

So he's gone at noon in Thursday and back early hours Monday - and he's doing this for 5 weekends? I'd also be hurt and annoyed.
I don't think he's considering his relationship with you at all. Sorry don't know what to suggest, sure there's no woman involved?

If he has been doing this for years what has changed?
He probably has never thought of its impact on you because you were ok with it for so long.

You have retired, he is still working so it sounds as if your life has changed a lot but his is still basically the same.

I don't think talking it through will get you far, and may lead to resentment.

I thin you should find an obsession of your own and enjoy it!

You need a proper discussion - not just happening but telling him you need a time to sit and have a discussion. Before that plan what you need to say. In the conversation dont use accusatory language " you always ..." "you never..." etc

Describe impact on yourself and aim for mutual solutions

"When you forget to do things it means that I...! This is hard/frustrating/painful for me. Can we find a way to help you not forget. What would work for you? "

"When you are away 3 weekends in a row I feel...! I appreciated you giving up ...to go to ...! We had such a lovely time and I really want us to enjoy more times together doing things. Can we find a way to plan those in as well as your ...?"
(Maybe start with one weekend a month or 6 weeks or whatever?And come up with ideas of nice things to do that you will both enjoy!"

Good luck 💐

The hobby has become a bit of an obsession. It may wear off as obsessions often do.
You both need to compromise and he should spend time with you. Every weekend away is a bit much but better to agree to some or he may become resentful.
Is there something you can do on your own when he is at the racing?
Visit family or friends. Go to the cinema or theatre. Just some examples so you can make the most of your own time.

Have you talked about this?
Looks like you are feeling increasingly annoyed by his behaviour so telling us about it is helpful inasmuch as you get it off your chest and hear what others have to say, but the person you need to get it off your chest to is your partner. Am not suggesting an argy bargy, just sit down in a relaxed manner with him one evening after he has wound down after work and have a chat about it, he probably has no idea how you really feel about this.
Good luck with it 🤞

Oreo : I am retired and he is working, so weekends when he is at home we do simple things together, gardening or things around the house.usually. He sits and watches tv every evening and is usually asleep by 8.30pm. His hobby has been going for years so it is not new.
Just saying. Yes I read and eat chocolate.

Be pleased to have some time to yourself? It’s better than him sat around watching tv isn’t it? I do get that you’re working tho and he isn’t so you only have weekends with him.When you retire you can go on trips together.He’s probably thrilled with his new hobby as it adds another dimension to his life.
Meanwhile enjoy some me time , read and eat chocolate 😃

You need to look after yourself as your priority.

If your partner behaves like a selfish git then you need to explain to him what you as a matter of fact need. If he can't or won't supply ordinary care as from a true friend in need, then you need to lower your expectations of him.

It’s so difficult when someone has a passion for something (which is a good thing) and everything else goes by the board.
I think he needs to compromise more and you need a chat with him about balancing things up generally.

You should certainly do your own thing and get on with something you love.