Husband retired and needs entertaining 🫣

A couple of months in ruthiek, since you first posted. How's it going? Has any of the advice given so far helped at all?

Men are bloody useless left to their own devices.
Worldwide fact !

Wise words Madgran77. These should equably be applied before a couple get married. This is indeed a new stage of life where needs, what will work for both parties and setting the process before assumptions are made. So many people do not have these discussions before getting married and then get a shock about what their Husband/Wife expects of them.

It does takes time but it is vital to a) discuss each others needs in this new stage of life b) agree what will work for both parties c) set this early in the process before ha its develop/assumptions are made!

It takes time and effort to adapt to a new way of living when the work structure is removed.

I am sorry for your predicament but couldn’t help laughing at your title. I pictured you dancing the dance of the 7 veils while dh sat with a cup of coffee.

To say 74 isn't old, maybe not to some but to others it is. I would still have my social life, still lots of time to do things together and encourage him to pursue an interest. Depends how you get on. My dh and I shared so many things together and I preferred his company above anyone's., I miss him everyvday sthought I have lots of friends and interests, would give them up in an instant to have him back.
Feel for Madmeg whose husband has decided to give up and lie in bed , must be so hard, also the people where affection has gone and cannot afford to split up. On your own is better than living with a stranger

My husband expects me to be sitting watching tv most of the days. He has health problems and immobility but I don’t want to go out socially with him - proximity to toilets - how many steps in a restaurant etc. I have ventured forth since we moved to a village six years ago and am involved with organisations there plus making many new friends. I have spent years in the past being a taxi for him as his main hobby was socialising at the local pub. I feel it’s my turn now to do things I enjoy.

Have you always been a Bully? Or are you just a Moderator......?

Thank you. Yes, I am!

Starnded?!?!?

Is that how you spell Stranded?

My DH has done virtually nothing since he retired except spend 10-12 hours in bed, a couple of hours doing the daily puzzles (very badly and slowly) and watching TV. He has showed no interest in finally setting up his model railway (he has tons of equipment bought for him through the years) or DIY and never shown an interest in the garden. Despite being a pretty affable chap he has no friends (too much effort) and any u3a groups he joined he didn't commit to for more than a few sessions. He is quite a good pianist but hasn't opened the lid of our piano for ten years.8

I, on the other hand am heavily involved in local politics (not a councillor though), and am treasurer of our u3a. I also attend 3 groups. I do most of the cooking - he only cooks ready meals (no chopping or peeling, he can't do it), and he does no housework - or what bit he does takes hours and often isn't properly done. He doesn't even hang his own clothes up!

I also grow some of my own fruit and veg and he doesn't even know the difference between the various veg I am growing (all common ones).

I can't fathom how someone can do so little. He doesn't even read nowadays. What a waste of life.

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Oh, stick him in front of the TV and let him vegetate into the selfish blob he obviously prefers to be.

But don't let this self-pitying Man Baby expect you to join him!

Before we retired my husband said to me that he was concerned that I would not know how to fill my time ( actually not a problem). He then took on another job! He was the one who did not how how to be retired.

What is it with these men! Can you imagine a man asking how his wife could fill her time! It just wouldn’t happen.

Not quite in the same position, but with my husband I find it is easier if I say tomorrow I will be out doing X, so he doesn't assume I will be around to go out. I also appreciate the prior notice if he has something he is doing.

Initially he was unused to this, but over time he started to love the space when I am out and frequently asks if I will be doing Y, if he thinks I might be at a loose end.

Allira

Caleo

I wonder what sort of work he has been doing. Maybe it was the sort of work where all his decisions were made for him and he had only to follow orders. If he has been following others' orders for years and years, you may need to teach him how to make his own decisions.

My DH was the one who gave the orders in his working life.
It was a learning curve after retirement to realise his wife made her own decisions 😁

Er, in however long you've been married, how did you conceal from him, the fact you're a woman with a brain and opinions who makes her own decisions?

@ruthiek

it’s down to me to try and get him to find something

No, it is NOT down to you. Stop. Take a step back. Put your hands in your pockets.

He NEEDS to do this for himself. Because in any marriage of older retired people, one of you is going to die first leaving the other to fend for themselves.

It might be you who dies first.

My husband has been retired nearly 10 years he was 59 and had problems at work i retired 2 years after and if i hadnt have had my own circle of friends would have gone potty as he lays all day long, either watching TV or playing computer games we have had endless rows over it, but as he refuses to change, i just go my own way now, i would leave tomorrow but having worked everything out i cant afford too ! its a very sad situation which i have made the most of , he now has hip and back problems which are totally self inflicted.

Caleo

I wonder what sort of work he has been doing. Maybe it was the sort of work where all his decisions were made for him and he had only to follow orders. If he has been following others' orders for years and years, you may need to teach him how to make his own decisions.

My DH was the one who gave the orders in his working life.
It was a learning curve after retirement to realise his wife made her own decisions 😁

To teach him to make his own decisions, start with small decisions. For instance if he does not decide a price for item xyz on ebay then item xyz does not go on ebay.

I wonder what sort of work he has been doing. Maybe it was the sort of work where all his decisions were made for him and he had only to follow orders. If he has been following others' orders for years and years, you may need to teach him how to make his own decisions.

I sympathise! I've not had the problem myself as I was divorced and alone long before retirement, but I remeber a brief period when my ex was made redundant so at home. He had no clue how I spent my days. We had young children at the time and as a stay at home mum I think he thought my days were spent at home all the time. However I did a fair bit of volunteering and had groups I attended etc. I remember the day he asked in the morning what we'd be having for lunch. I told him he'd have to make himself a sandwich as I would be out all day at meetings and going shopping etc and I would be buying a snack in town which I would probably eat in the car on the way to pick up the kids from school! He was going to be busy doing job applications but assumed I'd be around to provide him with lunch.
Don't give up your own interests. Only cancel your regular activities if what he wants to do is preferable.

You are his wife not his mother and he is a full grown man and not a child.

I would really concentrate more on yourself and your interests and past times and let him sort out things for himself.

He is far too dependent on you.

Be frank with him and tell him it is up to him to find out what he wants to do now he has retired.

You are his wife, not his Nanny, so either he goes out and makes some new friends, at a bowling club, model train club or something of the sort, or findes some voluntary work that appeals to him.

He does not look like a dying duck in a thunderstorm because you are going out with your friends.

The day may come, I hope it never does, where you cannot leave him, as he needs twenty-four hour nursing. and he may actually hasten that day if he does not DO something.

All right he gardens, but he can't do so in the winter. You say he is creative, so surely it can't be all that hard for him to find a hobby.