Son, DIL and their finances

Having been in a similar situation I sympathise. In my situation it was my DD who was constantly asking for money even though both were in well paid jobs. They had gotten into so much debt. It was always for food or something to do with the cars saying without it they wouldn’t be able to work. This was true because both jobs involved travelling. The final straw for us was when she asked me to borrow money for new school uniforms tel days before they were due to return to school. In the same conversation she mentioned her partner had just put a large deposit on a boat so they could use it for holidays!!! From that day I refused to give them any more money (can’t say it was a loan because I never got it back- or if I did they borrowed it again a week later!) I did occasionally do an online food shop in the first few months but otherwise I stopped bailing them out. I told both of them the reason and told them exactly how much we had given them over the last 2 years. My DD cried for a long time and kept apologising and luckily it didn’t hurt our relationship and she accepted they were wrong. Unfortunately there relationship ended but I honestly think it was probably for the best. DD has now sorted out her own finances and is once again independent financially. She has a new partner who is much more sensible and so thankfully is much happier. It was very difficult and I admit I was really stressed and kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing even though I knew I was 100 percent right. Take on board the good advice given here by other gransnetters. It is not only for you and your husband good but definitely for your son and his GF. Stay strong and know you’ve done your best

AuntieE

Next time they ask for money, tell them nicely, that you are finding it increasingly hard to manage, as prices keep on going up, and your pensions certainly do not! So sorry, but right now you are not in a position to lend them any more money.

Do you have other children? If so, think about how you intend to leave your estate. It is grossly unfair in my opinion if one child has borrow money, never paid it back and then inherits on the same footing as a sisters or brothers who never borrowed a penny, or conscienciously paid back what they did borrow.

Agree very well said

Stop the money.send food as suggested.once per month only.give children treats when they visit you. They need to go to a debt counsellor.

Next time they ask for money, tell them nicely, that you are finding it increasingly hard to manage, as prices keep on going up, and your pensions certainly do not! So sorry, but right now you are not in a position to lend them any more money.

Do you have other children? If so, think about how you intend to leave your estate. It is grossly unfair in my opinion if one child has borrow money, never paid it back and then inherits on the same footing as a sisters or brothers who never borrowed a penny, or conscienciously paid back what they did borrow.

Lots of excellent advice and support from other posters. I agree that you should not send any more money but do an online shopping order sent directly to them, this can be done through your own online account if you have one. Also you could buy and send clothes for the children, then treat them while you are visiting. You could think about a day out for the children, with you & your son, near to where they live, their mum could join you or not. Care for your grandchildren but don't indulge their mother (unless you genuinely feel she is unwell), they are the innocents in all this.

Nanagem

Grandmabatty

Stop sending money. Don't comment on his relationship. Be supportive but vague. Practise non committal comments ie "that sounds difficult." Etc.

But he’s falling apart and the children are hungry. How do I cope knowing that

He is grown man for goodness sake, has 3 children but not able to deal with the consequences. Let them get on with their life and sort themselves out. You may love them all but you are enabling them to carry on living like this. Cut the aprons strings NOW and treat him like the adult he is. I think you can write off your loans too, but then you should never lend anyone money unless you are prepared to lose it, we learned that lesson early in adulthood. Put your big girls pants on and don;t let them pull at your heart strings, they are totally using and abusing you. I know this is a harsh post, but it looks like you need harsh. Your husband is so right you are just a purse to them, this is not love. Far from it.

What do you think is going through their minds when spending their money and asking you for more
Maybe mum and dad are mugs ??
Possibly laughing at you
Might sound harsh but the truth frequently is

Nanagem

Grandmabatty

Stop sending money. Don't comment on his relationship. Be supportive but vague. Practise non committal comments ie "that sounds difficult." Etc.

But he’s falling apart and the children are hungry. How do I cope knowing that

No they are not. I very much doubt whether the children are without food, there may be an occasional dirth of sweets and fizzy drinks, but not food. If there is it is because the money in that household is being spent on non-essentials.

This household does not lack money. It is just spent badly. If they ask for money for food again, arrange for a delivery of basic groceries, not ready meals or pre prepared foods, but fruit, vegetables, minced beef, cheese etc and let them cook basic meals from scratch. Also not too much. Just sufficient for a day or two at the most. and do not do it more than once a month. They will get the message.

If you are reaally concerned aabout the children's welfare in this dysfunctional family. Ring Social Services. They will not tell your Ds and partner who expressed concern.

Just here for a handhold; others have given lots of good advice. your DIL sounds awful, to be honest, and hopefully your son has finally woken up to the fact and will make a plan of some sort. You can sit down and help him with a plan to move forward.

I am dumbstruck.
What the HELL do they think they are doing?
£4.000 bonus; months later he is dunning you for food money.
She can't prepare a meal for her children while he is rushed to hospital.

I would be very angry at their appallingly stupid behaviour, propped up by your generosity.

If your son doesn't put a stop this now he will have a nervous breakdown,
Your DIL can give up caring for her appearance and learn how to care for her children; a threatened referral to social services might help.
Your son can concentrate on earning another bonus to begin paying off some of their debts.
They are close to the brink.
Do not give them another penny. Tough love now.

Send them a box of groceries or take it round and leave on the doorstep.; bread, cheese, baked beans, baking potatoes, pasta, tinned tomatoes, apples, oranges.But eventually they have to sort themselves out and work and learn to manage money in the interests of their children.

Maybe they think you are made of money! I would never have asked my parents for money because I knew they didn’t have much. My husband’s parents were well off but didn’t believe in sharing their wealth so we never asked them either.

Next time your son asks for money just tell him you can’t afford to keep sending them money.

What do your other children say about this?

Stop sending money. It isn’t going to the children. Be there for them and your son but stop sending money. You have no need to explain yourself. Just don’t do it.

If tough love seems too drastic done ‘out of the blue’ perhaps instigate a halfway house in that “okay your dad an I will help until ….. (set a date) and in the meantime you two need to come up with your own financial plan, cutting out non necessities etc until you get straight, a job in a coffee shop or whatever for madam will put food on the table.”

That way if it’s not sudden, they’ll know the gravy train really is ending without the rug being pulled from under their feet.

Good luck. It must be very stressful!

* I love my grandchildren and it breaks my heart to hear them say they are hungry do child should be hungry.*

They are hungry because their parents spent the food money on nails, hairdresser, makeup, and a holiday.

If you send more money it won't be spent on food.

Nanagem

Grandmabatty

Stop sending money. Don't comment on his relationship. Be supportive but vague. Practise non committal comments ie "that sounds difficult." Etc.

But he’s falling apart and the children are hungry. How do I cope knowing that

You are enabling the parents to make bad choices when shopping (pop, sweets, instead of nutritious food).

Your son is enabling his partner to be lazy and feckless.
I think you can see that.

Can you see, that by sending money you are enabling your son ? This is an unhealthy family pattern he learned from you.

You need to stop doing it. Shock him into realising he and his partner must take responsibility and do whatever it takes to get themselves out of this mess.

Nanagem - your feelings and emotions are valid, but you are frustrated with the situation you find yourself in. Like your son and his partner you are not helpless and you will not go to pieces if you change your behaviour and neither will your son or his partner. In the short term things may appear to get worse but this is necessary in order to change and get better.

Others have offered some excellent advice already that I can't better. You have decided to be strong and step back. Evidently you worry for your son and that he may go to pieces but he will always have you to turn to for emotional support and to help him adapt to his relationship with his partner and the real world. For health matters he will turn to his GP and the NHS. You will offer parental, emotional, loving support going forward but not financial support. They will soon have no choice but to understand and necessarily accept your change in behaviour even as they don't like it. They will necessarily have to adapt and change their relationship with their money as you will not be propping up their current lifestyle. They will necessarily need to stop having holidays abroad, having manicures, gym memberships etc etc in the absence of your financial contribution. Their debt may increase in the short term, that is their choice and their responsibility. If they complain about their debt levels to you, the loving thing to do is to suggest considering budgeting together, cutting down on none priority expenditure like gym memberships and holidays abroad etc, seeking debt consolidation advice, maybe your son's partner getting a job etc.etc. Offer suggestions/ solutions/ reflections/emotional support.

Giving them money as you have to date simply enables and maintains their helplessness and financial fecklessness at your expense. It maintains the status quo which is not making your son happy, is already affecting his health and causes you upset in addition- a lose lose situation. Until you can put healthy financial boundaries in place, nothing will change for your son his partner or yourself.

Continue to be strong, perfect your best goldfish expression with your son's partner and good luck.

Nanagem, this is truly awful for you but you have had good advice here and it really is the only way forward. The fact is that only reason your son's girlfriend is able to spend the household budget on her clothes, nails, hair & gym etc is quite simply because she knows there is always more cash to fall back on from you.
This will be the pattern forever if you let it.

Nangem Their is something known as tough love. Tough love is the situaition you are in. As other have said, it is your contant giving your son money to bail him out in everyday life that enables this quite unfeasable situation to continue. It a situation doing your son no good at all, it is damaging the children and enabling your SG to live in cloud cuckoo land without taking responsibiliy for what is happening in her life.

Tough love is when we see what needs to be done and even though it may be painful we do it.

As I see it, based on what you say, your son is personally to weak to face up to his problems. He should have saat his partner down long ago and insisted that they worked out together how much money they had coming in, how it should be spent and hes hould then have insisted that they stuck to the budget they agreed together.

You must stop giving them money, and if it means bailiffs in the house, you must leave the two of them to sort it out. If yous on comes crying round to you, turn him right round asnd send him straight back home to work with his partner to sort out their joint money and other problems.

If you really love your son. You will exercise tough love and make him and his partner shape up and sort their lives out.
When your son tries to emotionally blackmail you to handing over money because he claims the children will starve. Do not beleive him, the same when he claims they need clothes, etc etc.

The greatest act of love you can do is to pull the rug out from this dozy pair and let them live in the same world the rest of world lives in.

I feel so sad for you. This is a horrible situation which must be so draining. Your son is going to have to face it one way or another. Better sooner than later perhaps. Perhaps say the only thing you will pay for is Relate or a financial mentor or consultant. I am paying for that for my dd at the moment as she separates. But your situation is far more complex and difficult so maybe not a useful suggestion.

Thank you to those that have replied Easybee has really summed it up, I’m really stunned that someone can be so self-centred. She says she loves my DS and she certainly acts as if she does, and she worships the children but at the same time she is always beautifully dressed her make hair and nails are alway perfect, she has the latest phone and goes to the gym, and what really drives DH mad is she insists on a holiday abroad every year. This year DS got a £4000 bonus a huge sum of that went on a holiday the rest on new furniture etc, nothing on debts which they are drowning in. I have to admit when my DS told me about his bonus I was so pleased for them but then a week or so later he told me how it had been spent I was speechless.

I don’t interfere never say I word, but honestly it’s hard. I love them all, but I have to admit I’m struggling to feel anything positive about her at the moment. Honestly mil’s are slated but what happens when a son chooses someone like this.

I know he’s not blameless, he’s been a fool and still is where she’s concerned, but he try’s so hard and I do worry about his mental health. He had a panic attack last week and ended up in hospital over night. He lay there worrying about the children, in the end my DD stayed overnight to help her manage the children because in her own words, having all 3 on her own for that long was to much, and DS hadn’t started the evening meal or done the school uniforms and lunch boxes for the next day and she didn’t know how to do it all. I just stood, DD` said I did the best impression of a gold fish she’s ever seen 😂.

Her own mum and the nan don’t do anything, they don’t provide anything other than gifts for birthdays/christmas. I feel sorry for her because her mum had her young and the nan bought her up, her mum was in and out of her life. She didn’t have the best childhood, so I’ve tried to take that into account and look after her a bit. But I just don’t think I have it in me anymore

Tbh after spending the money on pizza and pop last night and just leaving DS to cope this morning, for some reason this feels like the last straw.

I would like to say I will be strong and step back, but I’m worried if I do that my DS will go to pieces I know he’s a grown man but I feel he’s just reach the end of what he has to give and I worry for him. I wish I could just bring them all home and look after them , no I don’t really but you know what I mean

This is a desperate situation: a couple where a weak husband is in thrall to a domineering but bone-idle wife; three children but one salary. I know two couples exactly like this who sponge off their parents because the wife refuses to work or do childcare, housework or shopping, and uses estrangement as a means of extracting more money from relatives. The grandparents fear for the well-being of their grandchildren. The wives are implacable. These women won't sit down and discuss a budget; their needs come first. Unless you have encountered women like this it seems unbelievable, but I knew the husbands from childhood and went to their weddings. Both determined to be good husbands and fathers.

All the grandparents can do is listen to their son, encourage him to continue studying to improve his job prospects, and give money only for the needs of the grandchildren, if necessary paying online for groceries and children's clothes so the wife cannot waste it. The important thing is maintaining their relationship with their grandchildren, who will not always be small and dependant on their parents.
Harsh but true.

SG - son’s girlfriend.

Sadly, I think you and your husband have unconsciously 'enabled' the couple. You seem to have been giving them an awful lot of money. Tis pity the couple did not sit down with either yourselves, or better still a financial adviser to talk about the situation they have found themselves in and I never understand couples who continue to have children while struggling, unless pregnancy was accidental. This may have been because they knew they could depend on you for money, rather than sitting down and sorting out a budget for how 5 of them were going to live. How much money do they get from other family members. I'm very sorry if this sounds harsh, but sadly, I have seen this a lot. Throwing money at people does not 'help' it enables. Please take a step back and stop being an ATM, it's not helping the couple. They need to sort this out themselves and sorry to say your son is an adult and not blameless. They both need to sit down, talk to EACH OTHER and sort out a budget. Your job as a parent is done. The daughter-in-law needs to get a job to help support her husband and feed her children. Please do not give them anymore money.

Just stop bank rolling the girlfriend’s way of life. Consider ordering an online supermarket shop to be delivered to their home so the children get proper balanced meals …..that way GF can’t spend on junk food can she?

Perhaps consider contacting her mother and GM and get a united front to help this girl too.

But whatever you do, keep DS informed.