Son, DIL and their finances

I agree with everyone who has suggested sending a box of groceries. I think you should say to your son that you have worked out your own finances and can afford to send him a box of groceries every week or fortnight or whatever you really can afford. At birthdays and Christmas perhaps buy shoes for the children as these can be very expensive. In other words find a way to direct money towards the children and not to the adults. Sadly she is unlikely to change.

Sorry, but this is so ridiculous. Grow a pair, doting grandma, and just stop propping up this pathetic couple.You are enabling them to carry on with their dysfunctional lifestyle. Your son is almost as bad as his partner-stop the handouts, and the encouragement to them to just continue as they are.

Nothing will happen until the son stands up to his partner/wife and his mother stops subsidising them, and neither is likely to happen.

What a sad situation, Nanagem. It seems to me that your son's GF is a narcissist and I guessed that much of the family's income was being spent in shops and salons.
Unfortunately your son idolises her and is completely under her control. Until he understands that life without her would be preferable things are unlikely to change.
An appeal to the mother and nan might be worthwhile, but I doubt it will have much effect.
If your son were to leave her do you think she would be able to cope? Do you think she would be capable of caring for the children alone (or even want to)? Would she necessarily be granted custody of the children when she evidently puts her needs (wants) above theirs?
Without her your son would still be performing all the childcare, but perhaps he could give up work until he has his qualifications, and the finances would be under his control.
I'm sorry I can't be more positive, Nanagem; people such as your son's GF are toxic.

Astitchintime

Just stop bank rolling the girlfriend’s way of life. Consider ordering an online supermarket shop to be delivered to their home so the children get proper balanced meals …..that way GF can’t spend on junk food can she?

Perhaps consider contacting her mother and GM and get a united front to help this girl too.

But whatever you do, keep DS informed.

Really good idea about the supermarket shop. At least you would know there was some decent food in the house.

... would parents stop the kids from going to a show/panto/zoo with granny at your expense? You'd still see them then, and a more satisfying use of your money ... and within your control, not theirs! Better to be a treat giver than a bailer outer in my view.

You need to write the money off, why loan when they have no intention of paying back. You have not helped so stop it.. I couldn't rest if the children were being neglected. If they are not though and you withdraw funds I doubt you will see them.

Sometimes too much help can hurt. Like the rest of us, they have to learn how to manage and they won’t if they keep their “safety net” of mummy and daddy’s money. Having an able-bodied parent who is not working while asking others take on financial burdens is a combination that does not mix. Your DIL and son are equally responsible for their choices. It’s better for their children that they learn how to manage without constantly depending on you.

My blood boiled reading this. I'm guessing they are of school age. If so, my first thought was breakfast clubs - did I read they are now free for all? Also teachers would be likely to spot signs of neglect so I think that this 'going hungry business' is just to pull at your heartstrings/purse. Sounds like SG is a lazy good for nothing and needs a kick up the rear. That can only happen if you stop bailing them out. If nothing changes and when they eventually inherit any money you might have left, which you've probably worked hard at to save, you can be sure it will be frittered away and they'll still be in debt. Then what? They'll have to have that reality check which needs to happen right now. If you are strong and determined and stop being the bank of mum and dad, that reality check is likely to happen sooner rather than later and any inheritance is probably more likely to be used wisely. Sorry if this is harsh but like others have said it now comes down to you giving tough love and your DH is by your side as is her nan. It's not you in the wrong here so, as hard as it is, you shouldn't feel guilty as you've been more than generous. I hope you can give an update later.

Your son and wife will never grow up if you are supporting them.
They are the ones who decided to have all their children so its up to them to support them not you.
You and your husband have to allow them to to live their own life whatever the consequences.
Definitely no more support of money.
You'll never receive the money back you know that.

Think about your own future, when you get to retirement will they be giving you money to support the two of you the answer is probably no they will not.

Sorry to be blunt, but your son needs to "grow some" and take control.
Hard for you to step back, especially given the "emotional B;ackmail" aspect of "children being hungry, but as your SG seems to like her family to look good, it seems unlikely she would actually leave them hungry as that would soon become apparent to her friends etc (those who admire her perfect nails and foreign holidays)
You can buy the children treats, clothes, outings (with you) etc, but don't give DS/SG any more money. It will be hard, but ultimately is for their own good.

I think a father/son talk would be in order.
He was right when he said they regarded he and his wife as a purse.
Perhaps a list of all the money son has 'borrowed' would be in order and a brisk talk about family responsibilities and both parents pulling their weight.

Do not question or criticise their relationship and stop sending money, end of. You could contact Social Services they will not divulge your name.

You could find out where their nearest food bank was and let them know I'm sure she'd not want to turn up there! A bigger shock might be to find out they don't qualify.
If you are too concerned you could send a food delivery there for basics, cereal, rice, potatoes etc.
Additionally whilst you are 'helping' you are also enabling their behaviours. I know it's tough, but it's tough now he's unhappy, so don't prolong the process. Take care x

I just cannot understand why she is not working?????

She is not working because she gets everything she wants from her stupid husband, who is now funding it by taking, not borrowing, from his parents. He is just as culpable as his wife.
I cannot understand how he received a £4,000 bonus and never gave a thought to repaying any of his debts.

I do wonder whether this girl has mental problems of some kind. This behaviour sounds so odd.

My godson married someone who was training as a teacher and once qualified, seemed constantly find problems to avoid getting work. She was seen as work-shy and a sponger but it turned out that she was so terrified of getting a job and being a failure at it, We all feel that a bit, but in her case the fear was so paralysing it left her unable to follow through on any job application. I think she eventually had therapy (the marriage broke up, so I only know so much, but even then, despite her education, she has only ever worked in low skill and responsibility jobs, despite her teachers training.

I just wonder whether something like this lies behind this story, body dysmorphia or something like that.

Why is she not working? Tired and lying in bed! I think you need to stop sending money,feeding kids on pizza and pop! I think she needs a reality check and to grow up! Seems harsh I know but things need to change. Do they not cook? Sounds like kids looking after kids. I just cannot understand why she is not working?????

1 am really sorry about the situation you described. Very tough and upsetting for you and your husband

Your husband's wife sounds like a nightmare and a pariah to be honest. She has also rubbed off on him.

I do know of several women and families like this. Before they get married they way up the men and get a softie who will look after them who comes from a decent family.

They are real freeloaders and just looking for a meal ticket really.

Before the welfare changes they used to get everything. And have 3 and 4 children by different fathers and got everything. Labour loved them and still di!!

I would do what other posters suggested and pay for a delivered weekly supermarket shop.

I would also set up a direct debit payments with all the utility companies they use and pay a small amount every month into their accounts with these companies.
Your husband can pay the rest of get a pay as go meter

This women sounds very dysfunctional and maybe did not come from a good background.

Stop letting her play you.

Hope things get better.

How does SG fund her fancy style of kife? She doesn't have an income from work. Perhaps child allowance? Your DS needs to take control of his funds if SG has access to them. The debts will be DSs as he has income. If SG can't access via credit cards DS may start to feel he has some control. If SG can't live in her usual style eg nails, makeup she may be encouraged to find work. Can't imagine how difficukt it must be to hold back helping with the debts and trying to ensure GC are cared for with basics at least.

I hope I’m not repeating anyone else, but have you thought of having a word with the girl’s mother and Nan?
They could perhaps bring some pressure to bear.
Good luck, it sounds as though you and your son and his family really need it

I wonder - if DS were to leave and apply for a divorce then wouldn’t DIL be pretty much obliged to get a job? Clearly he would rather not take such an extreme step but the threat might just be the shock/wake up call she needs. He must be a lovely guy, but oh boy does he need to man up, I’m afraid. But beyond my admittedly ignorant suggestion I fully agree with other posters’ suggestion of online food deliveries. Best of luck.

It must be hard for you and DH to be on the sidelines, so to speak.
I can only suggest that instead of sending them money for food, do an online grocery shop and have it delivered to them
It is hard not to get involved in their relationship, but just be a shoulder and ear for your son to vent. I don't think there is anything you can do to solve their situation. That will have to come from them. Take care of yourself x

Some people, Aye?

Nanagem
I do hope things get sorted for your DS and DGC. It’s sad but things will have to come to a head as PPs have suggested but it will be a huge health cost to you and DH. If you buy clothes and shoes make sure they are worn so they can’t be exchanged.
Look after yourselves and be strong. Make sure your DGCs know you will always be there for them.

I suggest that you and your husband talk through the situation , make plans, write them down so that you can refer back to them . Then it may sound a bit drastic, but I think you should go away for a couple of weeks as a minimum.
It doesn't have to be anywhere exotic. If you have a caravan or know a reasonably cheap b and b that would be fine. Here is the difficult bit. Only send them an email as you leave. Stating that you will be away for x time at least. DO NOT contact them. Preferably don't get in touch with anyone. But try and have some time together. Remember what you loved and liked each other for and become the close knit people you are. Then you can help each other to resist the blackmailing that they are using for that is what it is. If you can only be strong enough and support each other. Check back what you wrote about the situation and stick to it. Then their hold over you will be broken. They will try every trick in the book to get you where they want you. But just think if you truly had no money left. That they had taken it all. And had paid back nothing, would they Then look for someone else to treat in the same way. They have to know that you have had enough. And even if you don't see a penny back you will at least over time have a little to spend on yourselves
At the same time, if you can afford it you could open a bank account in your own names but you will know that actually you are trying to save a little for each grandchild. So that sometime in the future. You may be able to help them without letting their profligate parents get a penny of it. As they grow you are then setting a good example. So please. Strike while the iron is hot, pack your bags, and be absolutely unavailable and unreachable. It is tough love. But should hopefully mean that a better way of life is the end result for you all
Actually if you really suspect that the children are not being fed, then in this case I would send a message anonymously to social services. Either it is true. In which case they need professional help. Or it is a lie being used despicably to extort money from you, which says even more about there attitude towards you. We are here on Gn,s whenever you need a bit of support. I do realise it is a very difficult thing to do, but can only see you having to do this at some point in the future. So better to grasp the nettle now, in the hopes of a better future for you all.