family split apart

I am afraid Nana this is all to common.. Usually jealousy at the back of it.

It helps to hear from those who have experienced this. I have also had accept that it is what it is. It's been one of the hardest things I have over had to do. As you said it is "freeing" to accept this and let it go as it is out of my control.

I have a daughter and 2 sons. The ds.I.l. get on well with each other, but my daughter is left out, especially by my middle son and his wife. They just don’t seem to like each other, although my daughter tries hard. She’s no angel, but she’s one who says things that hurt and then she’s forgotten all about it. My middle son says she lacks emotional intelligence . Oh well, I just leave them to it.

I completely understand how you feel as there is conflict between my son and daughter that isn’t going away. They don’t speak but their respective children see each other as my daughter and my DiL meet up every school holiday. I’m sad because family gatherings are no longer an option but I’ve had to accept it and see them both separately. I live closer to my daughter so see her more as it’s 1.5 hours to my sons but we go and watch his son play football or rugby every weekend if we can. Accepting that it’s not worked out how I hoped is a relief in someways as the need to try and fix it isn’t an issue anymore - if it’s to be fixed they are the ones to do it. Your sons have decided to live their lives separately and there’s nothing you can do apart from maintain your relationships with them individually. Hope the positive posts have helped

My wife’s brother and sister, they live in the US they dont talk, even though they live 10 miles apart, brother is a Republican, sister is a Democrat.
The OP could have the same issue, or, one said something that offended the other, or, 101 other reasons, all you can do is see both families separately. If it’s a big occasion - wedding, funeral etc invite both and let them sort it out, you cannot referee, don’t even try.

Hi Nana8, I understand how you feel because I have a similar thing going on.

My sons were very close growing up and they do go to concerts together a couple of times a year and I think they text each other but not often.

I like both of their wives but they are very different people. We recently went on a picnic for my birthday and there was tension in the air which made everyone a bit uncomfortable.
It was a good lesson for me watching their interactions, I doubt they will ever be friends so that's that.

Fortunately their young children love playing together which is lovely.
I doubt I'll be suggesting a full family get together anytime soon but at least I get to see both families fairly often. Times change and as do people so I find its best to go with the flow.

Your sons do spend time with family. Their family.
You’re still thinking in terms of them being part of your family and haven’t made the transition to you now being a part of theirs.

You still have a dream of everyone being a big family centred around you I think.

It's so sad when this happens .
I'm disappointed with the conflicts in my own family .
You just can't force the issue.
They are adults and they'll make up their own minds.
Being a grandma to two families isn't too bad .

Please don't blame your daughters in law, ask yourself what your sons could do instead.

After thinking some more here~~ isn’t part of the problem that families don’t make the effort to get together anymore I have heard more stories about adult children who are getting together more with their “framily” than their actual family. And that happens even with us living near our children. Seems family is becoming less of a priority. Yes it takes an effort on everyone’s part to get together. I think daughter in laws rule way too much. And the in law jokes are very common. Even our pastor in church makes in law comments. When you are actually in the middle of something like that it’s not so funny. So what I am saying is family is important.

Very good suggestions and points. It helps to get objective opinions.

It is what it is p, they are separate people with separate lives Why can’t you have the grandkids for a holiday so the cousins can play together even for a week a year That’s what I did ….two grandkids I could do nothing about as they are over the other side of the world, but I used to have the five others for two weeks in the summer and now as adults they all say they have happy memories of those holidays
Sone of them still keep in touch with each other although not on a deep regular basis as they are all in different countries but they text or ring occassionally and may meet up very, very occassionally but I m very happy I gave them a base line

They obviously live some distance apart so their lives don’t have much in common any more. They have their own families, work, friends , activities. So I would think low level keeping in touch is probably what most brothers in that situation would do.

I think your view is about keeping “your family” together. Except they are not “your family “ any more. They have made their own families now and you are a part of each one of those families but you are no longer the centre that holds them together as a whole. They probably will only get together at weddings, funerals etc from now on.

They’ve opted for separate lives. Your sons and their wives, both of them, jointly. You’re thinking “if it wasn’t for the Dils my family would still be together “ or if only the Dils got on they would have holidays together etc and we would all be one big family.

I’m afraid that’s just what you want. A vision of your happy family still altogether. But that is just what you want.

Just because they have chosen different lives to your vision doesn’t mean there’s a problem- except for you.

I think you need to come to terms with this and enjoy being granny to two separate families.

replying to the daughter in laws do not have to get along ~~~I totally get that. But when they were together the last time~~which was almost 5. years ago ~~the tension between them was very obvious and made everyone else uncomfortable. I agree with the last comment that everyone should not have to be affected by this behavior. Appreciate all the comments. It does help to get a different perspective.

My comment on my sons keeping in contact on a low level meant they are keeping in contact but not in person. They do text. If there are phone calls between them I do not know.

Your DiLs don’t get along with each other, fine, their decision, but for the brothers to become distant as a result and for cousins not to see each other is not so fine. Why don’t your sons visit you with your GCs so that at least they and you can all spend time together?
The DiLs don’t have to come along.
Can you suggest this to your sons??
It just seems strange that everyone has to be affected by the undertow of the DiLs dislike of each other. Leave them to it and work round it.

Why do they have to get along?
As long as they are civil to each other, it is all good

They married your sons, being friends with each other is not a requirement.

Now, what do you mean with "My sons keep in contact but on a very low level. "?