Exasperated

He is what he is ...accept him for that...or don't....but if he's a good friend it would be a shame to miss put on his company....you don't have to do anything that involves going to his house...and don't lend him money...when he's broke just do things like walks ....don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed

It sounds like you hoped he'd change and you could maybe move into a living together committed marriage type relationship with.

He wont change. If you want that kind of close committed relationship in the long term you'll have to look elsewhere.

‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be’ comes to mind. Lending money inevitably goes awry sooner or later no matter how good the friendship.
Apart from that how someone else chooses to keep their house really isn’t anyone else’s business.
Do hope you can find a way to see past the chaos and enjoy the friendship.

As you are just friends and do not want to live together, just enjoy your friendship. No need to visit him in his chaos. One thing I could not cope with is if someone is dirty. A very close friend of mine always looked nice and loved clothes, we got on great for forty years but I never visited her home, she visited mine, I did go in the beginning but she thought cleaning was a waste of energy.

Have you thought how life would be without him? When you think about that , do you realize how much you would miss all the lovely and enjoyable things you share together? Or does the thought that you wont have to visit the untidy house please you more? However neat and tidy a room is, the chair or the books wont get up and give you a hug when life is tough. Perhaps you could have a mental kind of switch, which as you go up the path to his house, you blank off the awareness of tidiness and concentrate on the pleasure of a lovely companion . If the tidy room wins, perhaps it is time for you to make change. Personally I would choose the human over inanimate objects every time. Best of luck

BlueBelle

Lathyrus3

Oh dear. I’m afraid I’d run a mile from anyone who wanted me to change my house into what suited him.
😱

Where do you get this from He’s not asked her to change it’s the poster who wants him to change his way of living !!!

I was reversing the situation in the hope that the OP could see how unreasonable she’s being in wanting him to change his house to suit her.

I can see I wasn’t clear😳

This thread reminded me of this which belonged to my mother. Hope it helps. 😊

I've told my husband if he dies first it's all going in a skip.

yogitree

Does he have any mental health issues? I have experience of ADHD where it's sometimes difficult to do one thing at a time.

I thought that was what it sounded like. People moan about it being diagnosed too much but at least that helps to umderstand why (I speak as married to a hoarder who would live in chaos if he could and I fight a constant battle)

BlueBelle

Astitchintime she’s not married to him so it would not be Jules duty to sort through his things on his death it would be his next of kin as she has no ties to him
You can love someone and even enjoy someone’s company but when you want to change them it won’t work, ever, you can sometimes change little things but certainly not a life style
If Jules can’t accept his house (which she only visits occasionally) then she ll have to say goodbye but I would suggest her life will be poorer he sounds a nice companion

Bluebell, I know they’re not married……I was pointing out stuff has to be sorted out when anyone dies regardless! What I was suggesting was encouraging him to make a new start in the New Year.

Slow down on hosting at your place, never go to his, stop lending him money. Extricate yourself from his sloppy chaos ; you don't need to put up with that.

He's an adult, making his own choices. You are also an adult choosing how you like to live. And you now know, this is never going to be more than a friendship. Mr Chaos is not "exclusive" material. Cultivate some more friends to spend time with.

Just regard him as a pleasant companion for shared outings. and as that's all it is, an uncommitted casual friendship.

In your shoes I would be upfront about it and just say to him

"Look, we both know this relationship isn't going anywhere so I've been thinking, what next. What I'd like is for us to remain casual friends who go out together now and then. But I' ve decided I don't want to come to your place or lend money any more because they just don't work for me. "

That's you putting your own needs first. Just like he always has done.

I agree with the ‘live and let live’ advice. Try not to visit his house or ask about his finances and just enjoy your friend’s company. Definitely don’t lend him any more money though. You’re enabling behaviour that frustrates you.
Bluebelle I think Lathyrus3 meant if she was the disorganised friend of the OP.

Lathyrus3

Oh dear. I’m afraid I’d run a mile from anyone who wanted me to change my house into what suited him.
😱

Where do you get this from He’s not asked her to change it’s the poster who wants him to change his way of living !!!

You describe your friend as a nice guy, a similar age, have lots of common interests and you live close to each other. You care for each other and enjoy days out. Focus on all these positives and avoid going to his house. Then you won't have a problem and can continue to enjoy your days out together..

He's entitled to keep his house however he chooses...

Op,

Is he asking for help?
From your post, does not look like it

I would let him be, he is the person he is. Accept him as he is

Oh dear. I’m afraid I’d run a mile from anyone who wanted me to change my house into what suited him.
😱

I agree with everything Bluebelle said. Enjoy him for who he is, will lead to less frustration for both of you x

You don’t live together and seem to have found a relationship that works so would leave him to his disorganised and messy ways and just thank goodness you’re not married and having to live with it.
Unless you worry about a deteriorating mental capacity adding to the chaos, just let him do his thing and you do yours.

Astitchintime she’s not married to him so it would not be Jules duty to sort through his things on his death it would be his next of kin as she has no ties to him
You can love someone and even enjoy someone’s company but when you want to change them it won’t work, ever, you can sometimes change little things but certainly not a life style
If Jules can’t accept his house (which she only visits occasionally) then she ll have to say goodbye but I would suggest her life will be poorer he sounds a nice companion

I'm glad you say the relationship is no longer 'romantic' which means you have no intention of marrying him.
My husband has the same tendency and I've spent 65 years tidying up after him, although he does keep on top of his finances.
Its exhausting.
He won't change, as you know, so I would just continue enjoying your time together and don't visit his house.
Its good to have a friend, but please don't marry him.

Does he have any mental health issues? I have experience of ADHD where it's sometimes difficult to do one thing at a time.

I should have said she had sold her house subject to contract and they had put an offer in on a property they wanted.

Whilst it’s tempting to say it’s his life………when he dies someone has to pick through that chaos and from what the OP says, that would not be an easy task.
Perhaps a gentle nudge……New Year, new strategy??

A neighbour of ours met a man just like this! She thought she could organise him as his house was a total mess and hers is a palace. They decided to sell both their houses and buy one with outbuildings for his many hobbies. They had a lovely wedding and he moved in with her while he supposedly cleared his house and garden of all his junk.

She offered countless times to go and help him sort things out to sell it but he said he preferred to do it himself. After a couple of months she decided to surprise him at his house (20 miles away) and discovered him tinkering with his hobbies and the house was as big a mess as ever.

She finally accepted he is not going to change and they are divorcing after just 6 months.

I agree.
Try to put up with the mess and if you really can't then have him visit you or meet him elsewhere.

He us unlikely to change... but how lovely to have met a good kind person you get on well with - just cherish that.