Feeling ignored

I know several people who simply won’t speak up when something is bothering them. Why? I doubt many of us are mind readers.

I think it’s when I read ‘ they have had very little to do with us’ that I sense the problem. We also live in the family home and our son often goes off with his family when they stay here. I realise that they want to see friends who are still local and go to familiar old haunts. But it can feel hurtful. It kind of works both ways. Sometimes we’re pleased they’ve gone off and give us space too and other times we feel a bit used. Perhaps actually instigate an outing in advance and clearly ask them if they’d like you all to go out together for just one outing.

Except it for what it is. They come at Christmas and spend that day with you. Youngsters always feel their old home is still home when they return. Hence. They revert back to being a child in a way. Going out with their friends. It is exactly what they did when they lived at home. Don't feel hurt.

Babamaman

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Children just do t realise how hurtful they can be

No, so sometimes it's up to us to tell them, so they don't have to go through it when their kids grow up

I think it natural for your d and family using your home to see otter family and friends and don't take it as ignoring you. you wouldn't want them in a hotel, next year you might be invited to theirs.

I live in the area where my dc grew up when they come home , they meet upwith friends. However they always check that we haven’t planned anything. This Christmas Eve they met friends in a pub . So we met friends in our local .
We have a dog and I always invite them to walk with me , which they do .
OP I think your dd going for walks was perhaps to give you some space and also for her and bf to get some space . Christmas stuck inside can be too much .
When I was in my 20s and coming home for Christmas , I needed to get out and have time to myself, so I’d take the dog out.
OP next time your dd comes home , suggest a dog walk and find somewhere you can have a coffee and a chat . I think it’s easier to chat outside with no distractions.
I also think It would be harder to chat and spend time with your dd whilst her bf was staying there .
I’m sorry you were hurt by your dd but I do think your expectations were a bit high .

Oh dear. I totally understand the daughter. Even with taking dog out for walks. Not everybody enjoys that and having the responsibility of someone else's pet.

With regard to using the time to catch up with her friends, well - this is exactly what I do when I go to see my eldest daughter. She still lives in the area she was brought up and when I go there, I always make arrangements to see the three or four friends I have left near that. I even get her to take/collect me in her car for these visits. She did say, once, that I treated her place like a hotel, but I thought I was being good by NOT imposing too much on her time. She also works mainly from home, and I like to be out of the house when she is doing that.

I would be with her every evening I am there.

Babamaman

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Children just do t realise how hurtful they can be

Twas ever thus.

Babamaman

😬😟😢👎💔
Children just do t realise how hurtful they can be

True!

We live in the town our children were raised in and they all use use us , eg , as in “ hi mum, it’s Kelly’s 40 birthday next weekend, can we come to stay and can you babysit our two?
I do feel a bit fed up about this kind of thing but I’m up front about suggesting we walk the dog together or have a coffee somewhere when we can. The tables are turned at the moment as the son wants to connect up with his old school mates but we’re away and he has the now rather leaky old dog to look after on his own….that’s the deal.

I have experienced this. My DD felt she needed to make sure her partner wasnt left with nothing to do. By pure chance he decided to go into the nearest town to buy something, she didnt want to go and so I suggested DD and I have brunch together. When I remarked how lovely it was to spend time with her she agreed and apologise for not thinking about having a little bit of one on one time.

Lathyrus3

Like others, I think she’s just reverted to her old ‘at home’ life. Living with you, out with friends, time alone with the boyfriend.

If it’s any comfort she’s having a lovely time and will love to come back .

I can see why it’s disappointing for you though. Maybe learn for next time and organise a couple of together outings for after Christmas as well as the big day.

I don’t think she’s using you at all. Or at least no more than that general taking for granted that secure children do with the parental home.

Great comment 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I would never expect my children to do anything they didn’t want to do. I certainly wouldn’t expect them to take my dog out (if I had one). Presumably they don’t have a dog so why would they take yours out? Imagine them sitting around bored when they would rather be out and about together? They spent Christmas Day with you. You’re her parents so she feels like it’s home from home. I would appreciate that.

for me, I wonder where the talking,communication would be.. surely it is normal,, family , to say what they getting up to during the day? strange,,we are all different

I think you might need to ask your daughter to make plans with you too. She likely doesn’t realise you are hurting and is trying to make sure you don’t feel she’s taken over your house!

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Children just do t realise how hurtful they can be

Apart from the lack of dog walking, I would be fine with what you have said happened. I wouldn’t want them under my feet all day when I have things to do. It’s also understandable that they want to visit friends.
Another time maybe you could jointly make some plans if you want to do something specific together. Communication is key.

flappergirl

Sorry but I think your daughter was rude. Did you do most of the cooking etc OP? A visit to friends is fine and presumably you wouldn't want to tag along to that, but to be walzing in and out as if your home is a hotel is not on. I would reconsider future Christmases, or at least lower your expectations.

I'm not sure if the adult DD did treat the place as a hotel, perhaps she thinks she's come home and acts as she did when she lived there eg visiting friends, popping out etc..

Although they could have offered to take NannySue's dog out for a walk too. Hearing the word walkies and seeing the others going out, poor pooch ☹

I think this is all about managing your expectations and nothing about you being a hotel.

You say yourself we had a lovely family Christmas Day with them - that's excellent - they could have chosen to stay at home!

Agreed, they came, you had a lovely day. Be content with that.

Sorry but I think your daughter was rude. Did you do most of the cooking etc OP? A visit to friends is fine and presumably you wouldn't want to tag along to that, but to be walzing in and out as if your home is a hotel is not on. I would reconsider future Christmases, or at least lower your expectations.

My son who now lives thousands of miles away stays here when he comes home and spends most of his time out with friends and his siblings.

I used to resent it but now I have thought about it from his perspective I feel I understand better.

If you have (say) five days to visit, and, in my son's case up to this week, 5 siblings with families and maybe 4 or 5 good local 'old friends' and a great grandmother- it's hard to fit everything in.

There's hardly any time to spare - and that doesn't include jet lag!

Please don't be too hard on them.
We love our son. We book a meal out together during his stay - and tend to sit up late with him when he comes in after visits.

I think this is all about managing your expectations and nothing about you being a hotel.
You say yourself we had a lovely family Christmas Day with them - that's excellent - they could have chosen to stay at home!

My son is married now and likes to take his wife on local jaunts to childhood haunts. I expect your daughter is doing this.

Regarding the dog walking I'm with the others who say just ask them... "would you take Bobby/Jenny out for a run with you please?"
Just a thought.

I would not just put your coat on without asking if you can tag along too!

She could at least ask you if you would like to join them for a walk. She shouldn’t just assume you would like time to yourself - she should ask. Poor communication on her part.

Perhaps she thought she'd just give you a bit of space?

Like others, I think she’s just reverted to her old ‘at home’ life. Living with you, out with friends, time alone with the boyfriend.

If it’s any comfort she’s having a lovely time and will love to come back .

I can see why it’s disappointing for you though. Maybe learn for next time and organise a couple of together outings for after Christmas as well as the big day.

I don’t think she’s using you at all. Or at least no more than that general taking for granted that secure children do with the parental home.

I agree that your daughter probably doesn’t want to impose on your time too much and also that she is taking this opportunity to catch up with friends. Is very much up to you to suggest you all do something together, perhaps a walk followed by lunch in a pub etc., don’t just sit and dwell on it.