Husband no help with overwhelm

I cleared a large 3bed and garden shed on my own when I moved to a one bed flat. I enlisted the help of 2 local charity shops, one came 3 times and filled their van each time with books, bric a brac,
linens, garden tools, China and glassware. The other one took large furniture items i wouldn't be needing, they upcycle items if necessary then sell them on to raise money. It didn't cost me a penny for this wonderful service.
Family took some pieces of furniture too. All that I had to dispose of was the gas cooker which i put on market place for free and was snapped up much to my surprise. Then I had one wardrobe and a chest of drawers to break down and take to the dump. Curtains and carpets where left in place. How I did it I don't know but I only had 4 weeks to do it in so couldnt hang around waiting for family or friends to help.My family were amazed but I think because there was only me in a way it was easier. I feel for you if your hubby won't help but hinders your efforts. Good luck.

Skill set matters as well, there are jobs I can do my husband wouldn't have a clue about and vice versa.

Indiana

I'm feeling overwhelmed with a load of jobs that need doing before we put the house on the market for sale. I need a boost of moral support, team building even, to make me feel like we're in this together, that we will get there. But even though I asked him to help me through the overwhelm, to help me prioritise he doesn't really get it. He's doing 'his' jobs and I'm muddling through mine without much focus and with no feeling of togetherness. He says he doesn't have emotions (though he does) and doesn't understand why other people are the way they are sometimes. I could really do with a boost of motivation and emotional energy to get me through these often tedious jobs. (All those little things that get put off. ) Not sure what I'm asking for in this post -just letting off steam I think! But any sympathy and constructive ideas are welcome.

Whilst I'm not typically a list maker, may I suggest making a list for each of you? His jobs and yours. It seems he is doing 'his list' without a muddle, perhaps switch some 'often tedious jobs' to his 'list'?

Casdon you are so wise! That's him exactly - laid back and preferring me to say what practical things would be helpful for him to do. Well, mostly anyway!
Also I am leaning on him I suppose, or trying to, but it doesn't work. You've helped me to see how to help myself. Thank you.

I suspect he just doesn’t understand what you mean by overwhelm Indiana. People’s brains work in different ways, and people who are laid back don’t tend to stress about things that are not right in their face. You said that he is already doing the things that are ‘his’ jobs, so I’d be very specific about what additional practical things you need him to deal with each day, as he will probably understand better if you say exactly what you want him to do, rather than trying to lean on him to bolster you. That way, you will see your burden reducing, so will be able to see the wood for the trees.

Rope in someone else.

That is what I do if someone is being uncoperative.

Thanks everyone for your varied responses. Its a real help just to hear other views!
We have had an estate agent round. Some of the things that need doing are DIY jobs that I'm cross about because they weren't done when they should have been, to finish off previous decorating.
Mainly though I think what's bugging me is that he doesn't try to pep me up when I feel unmotivated due to being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. I just want him to recognise that and do something silly to make me laugh and to lift me out of it, or give me a hug and some encouragement. We usually get on fine, but it seems when there's a bit of extra support needed he can't quite do it. Is it a man thing? AIBU?

he is doing 'his' jobs. Right, draw up another list of jobs and tell him they are 'his' jobs. If he complains just tell him that you have shared the jobs eually between you and if he doesn't do them no one is.

But I do agree may be you need to look through the job list with someone who is neutral and see how many you need to do.

For example.,cleaning. Do not do it. Get everything loaded on the removal lorry the 2 days before completion and then get in professional cleaners the day before completion. That is what we did last summer. In the garden get a man in to do a big grass cut and tidy up the week before you move out. Meanwhile, ignore it.

Lots of jobs can be shed or farmed out if you sit down with someone sensible and talk it through.

Smileless2012

Not smug at all winterwhite. If the decision to move is a joint one than the work needed to do so should also be joint.

So how is him doing his jobs and OP doing hers not joint?

Lathyrus3

I think there are two problems here.

As far as the house is concerned I would get a couple of estate agents round and ask them what they think needs doing. It may not be what you think needs doing because you are looking at the house to your standards and still assessing it and on how you would want your home to be.

Then I would make a list and give him jobs.

The second problem is the bigger one in that he has disengaged himself from what should be a joint venture at a time of big change in your lives. No wonder you feel as you do.

I don’t know what the answer is to that, I’m afraid.

Op says he's doing his jobs so presumably they've already divided up the jobs.

Not smug at all winterwhite. If the decision to move is a joint one than the work needed to do so should also be joint.

I have to say I can understand how Indiana feels. I tend to see everything that needs doing as my responsibility and then I get stressed and overwhelmed. A lot of things which I see as important my husband just doesn't feel the same. He helps me because he doesn't want me to get stressed but left to him a lot wouldn’t get done. I am learning to be more relaxed about things as I get older. One step at a time Indiana remember some things are just not worth the hassle. Enlist help from family where you can and a cleaner perhaps as winterwhite said.

That sounds a little smug Smileless, but OP are you sure you aren’t exaggerating what needs to be done. Can’t you tell the estate agents that this is how it is? Maybe book a deep clean? Or do you have adult children you can give a list of jobs to?

We are currently clearing a house for sale...
It is a LONG and exhausting job.
💐
Thinking of you.

I really feel for you Indiana . We moved 18 months ago which entailed drastically downsizing from a large town house with basement living room and study.

It was what we both wanted so we worked together and supported one another which IMO is what your husband should be doing. If you're feeling over whelmed he should be supporting you practically and emotionally.

If you haven't done so already, I suggest you tell him that you don't feel as if you're 'in this together' and unless you do because you are, you don't see how this move can go ahead.

Maybe a wake up call is what he needs.

I think I'm more "picky" than my husband - so notice more.

He will see that the floor needs hoovering but not that the skirting boards need a wash.

I have lowered my expectations and feel a lot better for it.

This time last year I was exactly a week away from moving, we were temporarily homeless for 10 weeks just to add to the stress.

I had been clearing, cleaning and packing for weeks as well as doing a fair bit of admin.

My husband had to sort the garage and shed V a large 4 bed home on 3 floors!
He just kicked the can down the road and kept saying it will get done.

I honestly didn’t have the time or energy to argue.

It did however get done…….although half of it came with us and should have been put in a skip.

The stress of the move and the feeling I had towards my husband, just like childbirth were soon forgotten.

It was worth all the pain and angst.

You will get there,

Make a list each day.
Do a room at a time and go the the tip/charity shop as often as necessary, don’t let things pile up.
Stop for lunch and have a deadline in the afternoon to finish.

Good luck with selling your home.

You say he is doing ‘his jobs’ and you find your own overwhelming……..time you both had a conversation about exactly what needs doing etc.

Are you in a hurry to sell? If not you could make a small list every evening (doesn't work if you wait till the morning) of what you will do next day. Complete the tasks and list. By complete I mean going to the dump if that's what it takes to complete. Ignore husband. Just get on with what you can achieve yourself. Do this for one week and then see how you feel. Husbands hate being ignored, it might wake him up a bit.
If you are in a hurry to sell, get the estate agent in and they will give you the list of what needs doing or not. Then you can make your list and tackle what you can do as before. You will get there.

What are all the jobs that need doing? Without knowing that it’s impossible to advise.

Try to get all the help you can, from those around you.
Good idea, to get in an Estate Agent. They know what needs to be done for a sale, snd it might not be what you were planning. This could save time and energy.
You will have every sympathy on here from Posters who have recently moved.

Lists? Identify all the needs doing and allocate to one or another?

I think there are two problems here.

As far as the house is concerned I would get a couple of estate agents round and ask them what they think needs doing. It may not be what you think needs doing because you are looking at the house to your standards and still assessing it and on how you would want your home to be.

Then I would make a list and give him jobs.

The second problem is the bigger one in that he has disengaged himself from what should be a joint venture at a time of big change in your lives. No wonder you feel as you do.

I don’t know what the answer is to that, I’m afraid.

I sympathise with you because I too had get my house ready for sale. I did not expect help from any relation and did not feel entitled to any help from a relation . Not feeling entitles made my task easier.