ED Asking for Money again, dilemmas, not sure how to repsond

Libbystar

Thank you Smileless2012. Sorry to hear your experience. It’s really helped sharing my situation, knowing that we’re not alone. Take care💐

Libby You might find it helpful to post on the Support for those Estranged thread - have a look in the Estrangement Forum and you will find it. There hou will get understanding; general chat; and thoughtful constructive advice.

Re your daughter I also think the best thing to do is reply to her message with "No I cannot lend or gift you money. I hope you find a job soon" and leave it at that.

If you were not estranged and if she was really struggling , I would suggest you lend her sone money, on an interest-free basis. …. Monthly repayments , all down in black and white..
I have done that with my children. I have even done that for a very, very good friend, who was struggling, and I’ve always had my money back.
They weren’t huge sums, by the way.

Thank you Smileless2012. Sorry to hear your experience. It’s really helped sharing my situation, knowing that we’re not alone. Take care💐

Thank you for your post. So sorry to hear your experience. There is so much strength in knowing we’re not alone. Already feeling stronger, more assertive. Wishing you the very best🙏

Thank you Spinnaker. I sometimes forget that is an option. Wishing you the best🫶

Thank you Granny for your wisdom & support. I’m so glad to have found this site. All the best to you ⭐️

Thank you for your wise, empathic reply. Only joined yesterday & already feeling stronger, more assertive as a result of the support. Wishing you the very best🙏

This is a very sad and difficult situation for you. Unfortunately I think you are being used. As difficult as it is to do, I feel that the reply of "no, it's not possible for me to loan/give you money" is the one that needs to be given. No reason or excuse, just no.

Do be careful Libbystar even if she doesn't admit to only wanting contact for money, that doesn't mean it isn't the only reason.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 13 years and if at any point he'd asked for money our answer would have been 'no'.

Shelflife

How dare she ask you for money! She doesn't want a relationship she wants your money, - unbelievable!!!
Just tell her " its a NO from me"
Take care of yourself and good luck.

Thank you for your reply & support. After the initial shock from her text, your words summed up exactly what I thought. Great to have others who understand. Wishing you the very best💐

Purplepixie

I wouldn’t ask her what she wants. It’s your life and ask yourself what you want. Stop giving her money and you’ll find out soon enough just what she wants. I’m estranged from my daughter for over 11 years now. Good luck.

Feeling for you too. Thank you for your reply. It’s so good to finally have support & talk freely, openly without shame, fear & embarrassment. All the best to you🙏

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I guess I want to pin her down so she can own the real reason she has got in touch- she may not. I fully accept that she may not be honest, but I’m no longer the person she once knew. I am much more discerning now. Being estranged for so long, I’m under no illusion & like others have said here, our lives get better when we put ourselves first & come to a place of acceptance, self love.❤️

Thank you ClicketyClick. I really appreciate your supportive, wise advice. Good to be reminded when feeling vulnerable, just how easily they can try to manipulate & take advantage of the situation. It will only be via text as I live on another county, thankfully!

I wouldn’t ask her what she wants. It’s your life and ask yourself what you want. Stop giving her money and you’ll find out soon enough just what she wants. I’m estranged from my daughter for over 11 years now. Good luck.

Please try and think what goes through her mind if you were her. I would not like to anticipate but from her behaviour and words you can see and feel it pretty clearly. Enjoy your own life, build a 'must do' list and make a life menu that you enjoy. My cousin moved the world for her kids and when they were
'heducated and earning lots and had posh spouses they dropped her because she was very ordinary and a bit full on. She cannot understand how they can treat her like that. She worked her fingers to the bone with three different jobs. I wish she would make a life for herself instead of waiting for the children to contact her which I am not sure they ever will.

Just be careful when you ask her what she wants from you that she doesn't play you and say emotional stuff to draw you back in. At this point, I'd just walk away which I know is easier said than done that quite us very apt.

Thank you to those who responded wisely. It feels liberating to talk openly about estrangement with others that understand. I only joined yesterday & could have done with the support last Sunday - Mothers Day. I will put the ball in her court; ask her what exactly is she wanting from me? If the answer is money only, then I have my answer.
This very apt quote landed in my inbox earlier, I hope it’s okay to share.
“No one can give you your emotional freedom. You will feel emotionally free when being fully yourself is more important to you than controlling how others feel about you. Today, notice how you may be limiting yourself to gain approval or avoid rejection.”

Well, you have to decide whether you want to try one more time as one poster suggested above:

Invite her over to discuss it and the situation.

But if you cannot afford the money, then text her and say the truth is that you cannot but she is welcome to come over.

Then you will know for good.

I am estranged from my eldest son, have been since 2009. I wouldn't dream of giving him any money, and never would of just been putting some in his bank account - not that I even know his details.
I do give my yearly tax free gift allowance to my youngest, but always say I am putting it in and he is always quick to thank me for it. We see him most weeks and have contact/help when we need it.

Sorry but if she is contacting you and you are giving her funds then to my mind you are not estranged.

How dare she ask you for money! She doesn't want a relationship she wants your money, - unbelievable!!!
Just tell her " its a NO from me"
Take care of yourself and good luck.

Tell her no, that you're off on a round-the-world cruise, and by the way, all of your estate goes to the RSPCA.

Just say NO! She is using you and it will just make you sad and ill.

I don't understand why you would give her money when you've been estranged from her for more than 10 years .

Ignore her. Her choice to be estranged so leave her to get on with it.

Maybe say you would like to see her to talk about her situation, rather than refusing or just handing over money.

I’d say no, I’m afraid. No explanation needed, but if you need to, simply tell her the bank has closed.