Separating at 70 after 40 years - am I being selfish?

Apologies its a long one . . . Single at 70 after 40 year relationship

I first met my partner in 1987. Over the years, our relationship went through many phases and changes. In 2002, we decided to separate, and I relocated to a new area with our daughter, along with my two children from a previous marriage. During this period, I found enjoyment in single life, choosing to date casually without seeking anything more serious. Meanwhile, my partner also explored a few relationships of his own. Despite our separation, we maintained a friendly relationship, primarily for the sake of our daughter.

A decade later, life took an unexpected turn when I experienced a family tragedy. In that challenging time, my partner was there to support me. Our bond rekindled, and in 2014, we decided to reunite. Two years afterwards, in 2016, he moved into my home, marking a new chapter in our journey together.

Although the first few years after we reunited were enjoyable, the harmony didn’t last. I had given up smoking for many years, and he assured me he had stopped too. However, I regularly noticed the smell of smoke lingering about him, and despite his insistence that it wasn’t him, the odour persisted. Being around him became increasingly uncomfortable, as he often returned from work smelling strongly of stale cigarettes and sweat but swearing he was not smoking.

He took great pleasure in tending to the garden, but beyond that, household chores were never shared between us. In the twelve years we lived together in this house, he never once cooked a meal, switched on the washing machine or made the bed. He would make himself a cup of tea without considering whether I might want one as well. I prepared his dinner every day, and more often than not, he wouldn’t even express gratitude when I served the meal. If he didn’t like the dinner, however, he wouldn’t hesitate to make his feelings known.

He would frequently invite guests over without informing me until the day before, leaving me to cook for up to ten people at a time with little warning or support. These patterns made daily life increasingly challenging and contributed to the growing strain in our relationship.

In recent years, I have noticed a stark contrast between my partner and myself when it comes to self-care. He no longer pays attention to his appearance, he has many teeth missing and looks like a street drinker, while I make a conscious effort to look my best, even at the age of seventy. This difference has not gone unnoticed by our daughter, who often encourages him to put in more effort with his appearance.
Our daughter has recently welcomed a baby, and she has become quite firm about maintaining standards in her home. She refuses to let him visit whenever he arrives looking unkempt or smelling unpleasant. His lack of attention to grooming has become a point of contention within the family.

My partner spends a lot of time working away from home - my children all have their own businesses and he enjoys working. During these periods, I found myself enjoying the solitude and peace that came with being home alone.

When home he loves gardening; when he wasn’t busy tending to the garden, he would be on the sofa, wearing headphones and watching videos on social media. I frequently found myself sitting in silence in the lounge or watching television, with little interaction between us. At bedtime, I would fall asleep while he remained on his phone, and when I woke up, he was still engrossed in his device. This pattern of behaviour contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and detachment within our relationship.

We had accumulated £100,000 in savings, which my partner was keen to invest in purchasing a business. Having spent my entire career in business, I had no desire to take on another venture, especially as we were meant to be enjoying retirement. Despite my clear objections, he went ahead and invested 60% of our savings into a business. Unfortunately, the enterprise is now running at a significant loss and, by all indications, is unlikely to recover for at least three years.
This situation has left me feeling resentful about having to become involved in the business, but I feel compelled to do so since my own savings are at stake. I find it difficult to stand by and watch our investment diminish without offering my help. My background is in senior management, whereas my partner works as a builder and lacks experience in running a business, which has only added to my concerns.

Two weeks ago, I returned home unexpectedly and discovered my partner smoking just inside our back door. We had an agreement that he would only smoke at the bottom of the garden, in his greenhouse or under the pergola, and never near the house or its doors. This arrangement was important to me as I always keep the windows open and do not want smoke entering the house, especially given that I am a chronic asthmatic. Despite this, I often have to walk through a cloud of smoke by the back door just to get into the house. He continues to insist he has not smoked, yet the smell on him is unmistakable and unpleasant.

Frustrated and angry, I lost my temper and told him that our situation was untenable and that we needed to find alternative accommodation for him. To my surprise, he responded by packing his things and leaving immediately. Afterwards, he told the children that I constantly complain, instruct him not to smoke, dictate where he can smoke, when to change his clothes, and when to shower. At seventy-six years old, he said that he feels as though I treat him like a child and that he has reached his limit.

After everything that has happened, my partner is now asking to return home, making the same promises as before. However, I have reached the end of my patience with the relationship. The sense of relief I have felt since he left is profound; it genuinely feels as though a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer wish to try to make things work between us. For the first time in years, I feel free, and I am looking forward to days spent with just myself and my dog, without any stress and in a smoke-free environment. I finally feel as though I have a future to anticipate, rather than waking up each morning feeling depressed and anxious.

Our daughter has expressed concern, believing that at our age, we should not be facing separation. She feels that we ought to be supporting one another and making the most of the time we have left together.

I do feel sorrowful about the breakdown of our relationship. I also feel sympathy for my partner, as he now finds himself without a home. To help him, I have applied for sheltered social housing on his behalf. While I want to support him in this way, I am certain that I do not want to return to living with him.

I cannot help but wonder if I am being selfish for feeling this way...??