Apologies its a long one . . . Single at 70 after 40 year relationship
I first met my partner in 1987. Over the years, our relationship went through many phases and changes. In 2002, we decided to separate, and I relocated to a new area with our daughter, along with my two children from a previous marriage. During this period, I found enjoyment in single life, choosing to date casually without seeking anything more serious. Meanwhile, my partner also explored a few relationships of his own. Despite our separation, we maintained a friendly relationship, primarily for the sake of our daughter.
A decade later, life took an unexpected turn when I experienced a family tragedy. In that challenging time, my partner was there to support me. Our bond rekindled, and in 2014, we decided to reunite. Two years afterwards, in 2016, he moved into my home, marking a new chapter in our journey together.
Although the first few years after we reunited were enjoyable, the harmony didn’t last. I had given up smoking for many years, and he assured me he had stopped too. However, I regularly noticed the smell of smoke lingering about him, and despite his insistence that it wasn’t him, the odour persisted. Being around him became increasingly uncomfortable, as he often returned from work smelling strongly of stale cigarettes and sweat but swearing he was not smoking.
He took great pleasure in tending to the garden, but beyond that, household chores were never shared between us. In the twelve years we lived together in this house, he never once cooked a meal, switched on the washing machine or made the bed. He would make himself a cup of tea without considering whether I might want one as well. I prepared his dinner every day, and more often than not, he wouldn’t even express gratitude when I served the meal. If he didn’t like the dinner, however, he wouldn’t hesitate to make his feelings known.
He would frequently invite guests over without informing me until the day before, leaving me to cook for up to ten people at a time with little warning or support. These patterns made daily life increasingly challenging and contributed to the growing strain in our relationship.
In recent years, I have noticed a stark contrast between my partner and myself when it comes to self-care. He no longer pays attention to his appearance, he has many teeth missing and looks like a street drinker, while I make a conscious effort to look my best, even at the age of seventy. This difference has not gone unnoticed by our daughter, who often encourages him to put in more effort with his appearance.
Our daughter has recently welcomed a baby, and she has become quite firm about maintaining standards in her home. She refuses to let him visit whenever he arrives looking unkempt or smelling unpleasant. His lack of attention to grooming has become a point of contention within the family.
My partner spends a lot of time working away from home - my children all have their own businesses and he enjoys working. During these periods, I found myself enjoying the solitude and peace that came with being home alone.
When home he loves gardening; when he wasn’t busy tending to the garden, he would be on the sofa, wearing headphones and watching videos on social media. I frequently found myself sitting in silence in the lounge or watching television, with little interaction between us. At bedtime, I would fall asleep while he remained on his phone, and when I woke up, he was still engrossed in his device. This pattern of behaviour contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and detachment within our relationship.
We had accumulated £100,000 in savings, which my partner was keen to invest in purchasing a business. Having spent my entire career in business, I had no desire to take on another venture, especially as we were meant to be enjoying retirement. Despite my clear objections, he went ahead and invested 60% of our savings into a business. Unfortunately, the enterprise is now running at a significant loss and, by all indications, is unlikely to recover for at least three years.
This situation has left me feeling resentful about having to become involved in the business, but I feel compelled to do so since my own savings are at stake. I find it difficult to stand by and watch our investment diminish without offering my help. My background is in senior management, whereas my partner works as a builder and lacks experience in running a business, which has only added to my concerns.
Two weeks ago, I returned home unexpectedly and discovered my partner smoking just inside our back door. We had an agreement that he would only smoke at the bottom of the garden, in his greenhouse or under the pergola, and never near the house or its doors. This arrangement was important to me as I always keep the windows open and do not want smoke entering the house, especially given that I am a chronic asthmatic. Despite this, I often have to walk through a cloud of smoke by the back door just to get into the house. He continues to insist he has not smoked, yet the smell on him is unmistakable and unpleasant.
Frustrated and angry, I lost my temper and told him that our situation was untenable and that we needed to find alternative accommodation for him. To my surprise, he responded by packing his things and leaving immediately. Afterwards, he told the children that I constantly complain, instruct him not to smoke, dictate where he can smoke, when to change his clothes, and when to shower. At seventy-six years old, he said that he feels as though I treat him like a child and that he has reached his limit.
After everything that has happened, my partner is now asking to return home, making the same promises as before. However, I have reached the end of my patience with the relationship. The sense of relief I have felt since he left is profound; it genuinely feels as though a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer wish to try to make things work between us. For the first time in years, I feel free, and I am looking forward to days spent with just myself and my dog, without any stress and in a smoke-free environment. I finally feel as though I have a future to anticipate, rather than waking up each morning feeling depressed and anxious.
Our daughter has expressed concern, believing that at our age, we should not be facing separation. She feels that we ought to be supporting one another and making the most of the time we have left together.
I do feel sorrowful about the breakdown of our relationship. I also feel sympathy for my partner, as he now finds himself without a home. To help him, I have applied for sheltered social housing on his behalf. While I want to support him in this way, I am certain that I do not want to return to living with him.
I cannot help but wonder if I am being selfish for feeling this way...??
Jaxjacky
I agree David but that’s how it is in many areas.
To go back to the OP, there are discrepancies in this tale and as per usual in many similar posts, the OP hasn’t returned, I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.
A pinch of salt?
Walk a mile in the OP's shoes.
Allsorts
You will be better off alone than with him but it will mean he has to have his money out to survive and he is still working, don't know hiw bring in such a state, so probably you need to down size.
"don't know hiw bring in such a state"........ er, please clarify.
Don't take him on again!
He's a user, an outright leech.
You do absolutely everything that requires effort, he spends your money on a loser business, disobeys your wishes and is content to drift through life looking and behaving like a stinking and dishevilled deadbeat.
And, of course, it's not HIS fault!
To top it all, it's become - somehow - your responsibility to apple for Social Housing on his behalf!
The bone idle b*stard can't even try to do that himself.
Wave bye-bye and don't look back.
Why on earth would you want to live with someone who smells of smoke and sweat 🤮
You’re not selfish at all, good riddance I say.
The OP posted a reply a few posts above yours,Jaxjacky. She might explain if you say what discrepancies are bothering you.
My tuppence, for what it’s worth, if you read the thread this is her home, that he moved into after a 10 year “separation”, they don’t appear to have been married and it’s clear this is her house/home as she moved there alone alongside her daughter and two children from her previous (and possibly only) marriage.
At his age it’s likely the council can find him part sheltered housing.
If I was OP, I wouldn’t feel at all guilty, but I would consult a solicitor and change my locks!
Jaxjacky
I agree David but that’s how it is in many areas.
To go back to the OP, there are discrepancies in this tale and as per usual in many similar posts, the OP hasn’t returned, I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.
OP has been a posted threads and contributed to threads for a few years.
I agree David but that’s how it is in many areas.
To go back to the OP, there are discrepancies in this tale and as per usual in many similar posts, the OP hasn’t returned, I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.
It sounds like you've had the patience of a saint. You're not being selfish in your decision to separate but you do need to be selfish in putting yourself first and foremost. Don't let daughter persuade you otherwise. It's not her having to live the life you've been leading with this man. You deserve far far better a life. You've already experienced that your home can be your sanctuary as I did too when I left but then made the mistake of going back and now have no way out again due to finances. Please don't fall into that situation. I wish you all the best and a happy life.
My goodness, you have been through the mill. It's 'you ' time now.
Do what's best for you.
If he has money David his pension of course will stand but other benefits will be reduced.
But let’s recall that the OP is searching for accommodation for him, is still despite all taking care. We must remember this.
He’s not being denied anything, our council been very helpful and are going to house him as a priority. And he’s not been ‘thrown out for smoking in the wrong place’ he left because apparently I moan 24/7 … but isn’t that what all women do …. Allegedly? 🤷🏻♀️
The council would find a place for a migrant I cant believe that our own homeless are denied the same treatment.
Can someone explain why someone who is being thrown out for smoking in the wrong pace should be denied a roof over their head.
He's 76, can the Council find him a small apartment or bungalow in a complex for older people?
Allsorts
You will be better off alone than with him but it will mean he has to have his money out to survive and he is still working, don't know hiw bring in such a state, so probably you need to down size.
Absolutely not!
Jaxjacky
Yes David49 I know of two people locally and in Countryfile last Sunday it was the same story in Cornwall. Sofa surfing or sleeping rough are the only options for single males, I'm not sure about females.
Then the council is not doing its job I would have thought a roof over your head would be top priority, male or female young or old, there are plenty of other services that are less critical.
Yes David49 I know of two people locally and in Countryfile last Sunday it was the same story in Cornwall. Sofa surfing or sleeping rough are the only options for single males, I'm not sure about females.
It could well be we are being told only half the story and this man does have some rights in the house, in which case he has some money to house himself in addition to any benefits he gets.
Is anyone one saying that a homeless single man will not be offered a place in B&B or a hostel by the council?
David49
If you are not married you can tell him to leave, he will turn up at the council offices homeless and they will house him. usually B&B at first then a flat when one becomes available.
There is no way of being nice, he won't get rehoused unless you evict him and is homeless, the council will pressure family to house him, just stay firm.
He’d be lucky here, single man, probably 5+ to be rehoused by the council at least.
(It was at the point of him getting a home and benefits that my solicitor heaved a sigh of relief as it counted as him having a residence)
David49
If you are not married you can tell him to leave, he will turn up at the council offices homeless and they will house him. usually B&B at first then a flat when one becomes available.
There is no way of being nice, he won't get rehoused unless you evict him and is homeless, the council will pressure family to house him, just stay firm.
David....even if they are not married since he may have acquired rights in the house depending on whether he made a financial contribution in anyway to it, or whether he can argue that he put value into the house (DIY, keeping a really nice garden up could be considered).
I was married so my ex did have X years of rights in the house and had also participated in keeping it up/making it better by DIY:
but I was just able to keep it because he had money from a trust fund coming his way on his mothers death and that was offset.
I did de facto make him homeless by insisting he leave - life was unbearable - he refused to stay at his mothers where he has landed up before - and involving the police as it was a degree of co-ercive abuse, and because he was mentally ill he was given not only a council flat (he threatened suicide and I followed it through) but full benefits - your husband will get state pension anyway - unless its straightforward, I would get a good solicitors advice.
Why do you need validation for not being selfish?
You need to sort the financial matters out first. How was your partner able to invest 60% of our savings despite my clear objections ? Were the savings all in his name? Surely he required your written consent?
As you refer to him as your partner throughout I assume you were never married, and that you did not put his name on the deeds of the house. You do need to find out where you stand financially, particularly with this business.
I fear your daughter is concerned about the prospect of two separated parents on her doorstep.
I would also look at my age too and what the future years may hold in the way of health decline, being a carer, etc - especially if he smokes. You write very eloquently and it almost seems a mismatch with how you describe your partner. It also sounds as if boundaries were not put in place down the years when perhaps nowadays they would be. Depends what you want from your life for the rest of your days. Who are you ultimately responsible for ? Yourself? Him? Being a granny? I would focus on me if I were in your shoes. What is it they say about facing your maker with your music still inside you? Play it while you still have a chance.
You will be better off alone than with him but it will mean he has to have his money out to survive and he is still working, don't know hiw bring in such a state, so probably you need to down size.
If you are not married you can tell him to leave, he will turn up at the council offices homeless and they will house him. usually B&B at first then a flat when one becomes available.
There is no way of being nice, he won't get rehoused unless you evict him and is homeless, the council will pressure family to house him, just stay firm.
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