Sad and feel so let down by friend

I very rarely comment on this forum, but something in BelleDeJour’s post - and the responses - hit a nerve. Maybe it’s better to think about how good a friend you’ve been than focus on how crap she’s been. Take pride in the fact that you have been a good friend - but sometimes we need to let go of toxic friendships. As for the money, you should certainly remind her again - but after that, cut loose. It’s a significant sum but worth letting go of for your peace of mind. I imagine Belle de Jour sums you up very well - don’t let those who are less beautiful drag you down.

I’m sorry to read that you are going through this with your “friend” BelleDeJour I use inverted commas because unfortunately she is far from being a true friend.
As others have said, there are givers and takers and this person seems definitely a taker - on a regular basis.
It must hurt you very much that she has behaved the way she has so often over the years, but I’m afraid she is unlikely to change now, and probably your best course of action will be to let the friendship drift away.
By all means, ask again for the repayment of the loan, but I suspect you will never see that money repaid, sadly.

BelleDeJour

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I feel so silly feeling like this at my age!

I think it feels worse as we get older because we treasure our true friends more & dont expect them to be so disrespectful. I think youre finally seeing her true colours too & that prob makes you even sadder! Sendings hugs 🥰❤️

ClicketyClick

Completely agree with others about forgetting her. All I can add and maybe not possible but do you have any contact with her daughter? If so, and if it was me, I'd drop into a conversation with the daughter about the money not being repaid and maybe the daughter could apply some pressure to her mum.

Yes I agree, sounds like the daughter has the measure of her mother and maybe able to help you get your money back.

Real friends don't treat people that way! I'm glad that I've lost touch with those sort of friends over the years. Sometimes it seems sad when a friendship fizzles out but the friends that remain are ones I can call on when I need support and I'm there for them when they need it. I do quite a lot of volunteering and often find new people join a volunteer team that I already know from another simlar group. They are the givers in the world and I hope they see me the same way.
Eventually the takers of the world will be the losers when everyone sees them for what they really are.

Hi BelleDeJour
Try and think of it as costing £100 to finally rid yourself of a crap 'friend'.

There are givers and takers. You are a giver and your friend is a taker.
Takers often take advantage of those willing to help them and expect far too much.
You are better without this person in your life.

Usedtobeblonde

Last year I lent a friend money to buy a domestic appliance which she really needed to replace but couldn’t afford it.
She didn’t ask, I offered.
She immediately set up a standing order for an amount she could afford and it is now fully paid off.
Your friend should have done the same.

Good to hear.

Lots of people don't lend on principle, but sometimes it can be a "win, win". I'm sure it made a big difference to your friend being able to go out & buy what she needed when she needed it.

Completely agree with others about forgetting her. All I can add and maybe not possible but do you have any contact with her daughter? If so, and if it was me, I'd drop into a conversation with the daughter about the money not being repaid and maybe the daughter could apply some pressure to her mum.

I can really relate to this. I became friends with a mum at the school gates over 25 years ago due to our childeren being best friends. She has always been a chatterbox ,normally in relation to herself and quite self centred. There are many happy memories over the decades,she did have some very positive qualities and could be very kind. Neither of us drove so we would see each other at school gates and over holidays. Over the years ive supported her through some major traumas. As childeren grew older the one sideness became tiring and realised she only really contacted me when needed support. We continued to see each other maybe four times a year. Her childhood was very traumatic which did probably make me more sympathetic.
Then she passed her driving test and I saw her on a more regular basis. We had fun but regular meet ups really emphasised how one sided the friendship was. The last time we met up she had made a decision that was potentially disastrous and I pointed out why firmly but kindly. She was furious and really horrid. I was really upset by this and didn't feel able to contact her. Six months later I heard from her as she wanted a reference from me. It wasn't something I could do as never worked together. That was early Autumn and not heard a word from her since! A small part of me felt i should be the adult and reach out but her words had cut deep. I also felt very upset by loss of a "friend". On reflection it was never a true friendship,initially one of circumstances then of it being mostly based on what she needed. Being in more regular contact seemed to really bring this home . She has no other long term friends but has short term friendships with people of 6months or so. Its sad but I now realise it had run its course. Shed shown me who she really is and thats not someone who adds value to my life.

BelleDeJour- good luck with your continuing mindset adjustment. From your OP it seems there has been a long pattern of you giving more and your friend taking more, e.g. picking up her daughter from school, even to 11pm one night- advantageous for her and inconsiderate towards you such that you became resentful.

She has made comments which you found hurtful- demonstrating her lack of insight and disregard for your emotional well being. She borrowed/ no kept and hasn't paid back the £100 she requested as a loan.

As you continue to adjust you will increasingly understand the friendship was skewed towards her wishes and well being and less towards your wishes and well being for many years. This does not serve you/ We reach an age when we need to take care of ourselves and realise those who undermine that are not the type of friends we need.

You sound a very caring person and you have other friends. It hurts, of course it does because the change results in a loss. But as you adjust you will realise the loss of how you wanted the friendship to be- whatever happens next- was a loss you have been living with for many years already.

The £100 not repaid is the least of your loss- if you can afford it I would let this go...as well as my hopes for a considerate friend in this person.

Good luck and take care 💐💐

I think you can wave goodbye to the £100 as this friend has clearly no intention of paying you back.

Personally, I would cut all ties with her, don’t instigate any meet ups ……she isn’t a friend, she is simply a freeloading moron full of her own self importance!

Last year I lent a friend money to buy a domestic appliance which she really needed to replace but couldn’t afford it.
She didn’t ask, I offered.
She immediately set up a standing order for an amount she could afford and it is now fully paid off.
Your friend should have done the same.

Thank you all, so much!

She has emailed me this morning (something trivial). No acknowledgment of the fact that she has not reimbursed me yet! If she has not paid me back in 1 week, I will remind her again.

I do have lots of other friends that I see for coffee regularly. I suppose in my mind she was still someone I was very close to but the reality is that I don't actually see her as much as I used to. I need to adjust my mindset on this particular friendship. If she cannot afford to pay me back in full, she ought to at least offer to pay me back in installments and I would be fine with that.

BelleDeJour

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I feel so silly feeling like this at my age!

Belle De Jour, being able to feel silly is good, as it shows you have insight. No human being has ever lived who has not been silly-----join the club.

Belle De Jour, I wonder what your "similar interests " are. Is your friend unique as someone who can share those with you? If so, I'd keep up acquaintance with her , while you wriggle out of her more outrageous requests, including giving her money and other expensive gifts.

To put it shortly, her company may be enjoyable if you did not also expect loyalty and kindness from her.

I recently told a friend that I am no longer interested in going out in the evening as I get very tired early now.
I mostly paid for her as she says she is not well off, this is debatable as others have noticed.
I offered to meet for coffee, a light lunch out or a shopping trip.
Nearly a month has passed without a reply.
Your friend is using you and probably always has.
Just cool it and see other people.

Drop her immediately ! If you can afford to lose the £100, do that. The chances are she will never pay you back and by asking for it you are opening up the ' relationship ' She made good use of you when your children were small - even her own daughter recognises that!
There are givers and takers on this world, no prizes for guessing which camp she is in.
Stop thinking of her as your friend, she is a user and is taking advantage of your gentle nature. Don't grieve for the loss of
' friendship ' she is not a friend!

It is hard isn't it.

But the reality is that life moves on and people grow apart. There were friends I was close to when our chidlren were small and we all helped each other out, but we have drifted apart. You have had your problems with her in the past so the writing was on the wall a bit.

Get your money back then move on to pastures new - join the U3A or anything else that takes your fancy and let her go from your life.

It is not you - it happens to us all.

It is understandable that you feel sad. This 'friend' has messed you about even if you did enjoy her company at times.

I would forget the money and move on with your life, I'm sure there are many others out there that would love to be a friend without taking advantage of you.

Thank you. The comments are all really helping. It’s so confusing because she tells me she loves me etc.. I have seen her use other people and been called out on it by them. She doesn’t ever see things from their perspective, she gets defensive.

I did a lot of running around for her all those years ago , taking her daughter to the dance classes with mine etc. Her daughter recently accused her mother of palming her off too other people too often when she was young. Friend denied it and told her daughter that she was speaking nonsense and they were ‘always’ together - but the daughter is right.

There are friends and there are users, and believe me a friend wouldn’t act the way this user has. It is sad but that is because you are a nice person who had real feelings for this user, but believe me she doesn’t feel the same.
Put it down to experience and move on.
I imagine getting your money back will be fruitless anyway.

I to had a friend that ac caused more harm to my daughter I hv dropped her and it feels so good forget her toxic friends you don’t need

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I feel so silly feeling like this at my age!

This is not a friend. Though the year's she has shown herself to be a user. She mocked you and got her husband to back her up.

A nasty manipulative user. You are do much better of without her. Mumsnet would have called her a CF