difficult relationship with son

The night before DDs wedding we had dinner with the groom's parents. It was the first time they'd spoken in 20 years. It was a bit awkward but OK. They were both aware that the wedding was not about them. It's the bride and groom's day. Be glad you're at least included.

OF COURSE your son and his fiancee are not going to risk any clouds on their wedding day. They've decided to guarantee no trouble by only inviting one of a warring couple.

Good idea. I've been present at exactly what your son and partner seek to avoid.

DS partner's parents split during a very bitter ugly divorce when she was pre-school. Her parents never met or spoke again.

Fast forward 30 years; Son and his partner invited me and DH to stay for the first Christmas in their new home ... with both her parents. This would be the first time they had met, or spoken to each other, for 30 years.

She had asked them to bury the hatchet for the sake of the GC.
Father came by car, DS fetched Mother from the airport. She was last to arrive. They didn't greet each other.

You'd think that their accepting the invitation indicated a white flag of truce ? Surely 30 years had healed the wounds? At least they would show a civil pretence of courtesy for the sake of their only child? or the GC? Or the other guests?

Nope. Throughout the visit they carried right on not speaking to each other, silently ignoring each others existence and presence. Imagine Christmas dinner ; two of whom, grimfaced, don't speak to each other, won't join in any conversation involving the other, or clink each others glass when toasting. The atmosphere was not jolly.

It was the first and last reunion.

I agree with everyone who advises you to accept the invitation and celebrate with your son and new d.i.l.

He's probably trying to make the best of a situation that isn't of his making so don't spoil it for him which you may well do, if you mention not being invited to New York.

I think that I would be hurt by this situation. It seems more sensible to invite everyone to the wedding or neither. I don't speak to my ex for good reasons however, I have attended weddings where he is there and we have just ignored each other. Maybe your son doesn't want that situation to arise on his special day.

Your boy obviously wants you to celebrate with them but doesnt want an awkward situation at the wedding. Weddings are stressful enough with additional concerns.
Be generous. Accept what is offered and have a wonderful time.
As far as a present is concerned tell them the next time they're here, dinner and hotel will be on you!

It is an opportunity for you to try again to try to contact your ex wife. As you said it was your fault at the start I can understand why she didn’t respond, but now might be a chance to try again.
Oh and I agree you should go to the meal.

barklyboy - your oldest boy obviously wants you to be part of his marriage celebrations and has come up with the best solution he feels he can think of. As you get on well with your other two sons, make them aware you have the invitation and are looking forward to seeing them all at the lunch in London, but simultaneously in a passing comment say something like "it would have been nice to be part of the main event in NY but I think I understand why X (son) hasn't included me" - that throwaway comment might flush out the reason which might be that your son thinks you will be embarrassed. You're assuming things here which may not be true. Your ex-wife might not be averse to being in the same room with you - find out. And if there really is a wish to exclude you because of fear of awkwardness, have a great time at the London event. I would, however, also let it be known that you'd like to be in your granddaughter's life.

Both you and your wife sound extremely childish. Try contacting her again after the wedding and see if you can repair some of the damage by looking towards the future.

Now there's an idea, Monami! Thankfully my son is doing extremely well for himself so anything I leave him in my will will be small change! So I've given myself a good talking to and decided not to lose anymore sleep over it and accept the situation and the invitation. I'm planning on giving them a wedding present but I have no idea what. What do you give a couple of thirty-somethings that already have everything and have very expensive tastes? I did think of a pair of personalised scissors but somehow, I don't think that's going to cut it. Pun intended.

barklyboy

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Difficult situations seem very simple when you take the emotion away. As for my ex and I not speaking for such a long time - initially, that was all down to me but then years later, via a mutual friend I suggested meeting to clear the air however no reply has been received. Which is a shame because we now have 3 amazing, talented and successful grown men for sons and one astonishingly lovely granddaughter which we could share.

In a way thats the saddest bit, cos I believe "repair" can change lives for the best. for now, I think you will have to go with things as they are, heap praise, be generous,

and I'd keep gently trying at the healing bit. sometimes ( I speak from experience) it needs time and you cant tell how long or what event (s) might change hearts.

Remember you have 2 sons you get on great with, and they will maybe be uncomfy too, and might just say something, let it happen, what will happen.

I had to choose between my Mum and Dad when I got married. As I had lived with my Mum, rarely seen my Dad, it was a 'no contest' situation but I was sad that I had to make that choice. My Mum just refused to be in the same room with my Dad because of things he had done after they parted. It may be your son is in that situation and as much as he'd like you to be there, doesn't want to upset his Mum.
It took until my 50th Birthday for them both to agree to be in the same room. Quite honestly, it was very awkward. My Mum seemed to be trying to attract his attention, my Dad wouldn't talk to her and neither would his wife. However, they tried to engage in conversation with my Mum's side of the family who just didn't want to know. I made up my mind that I wouldn't ever have them in the same room again! You never know, you might have escaped a very awkward situation!

Put as good a face on it as you can at the celebration he has invited you to.

This might just be the start of a better relationship with him,

If you don't go, it is a terrible snub to him and to his new wife.

monami

think of the fare youve saved, say nothing, choose a nice expensive lunch and just cut him out of your will

Made me laugh. Tongue in cheek I hope, but well expresses how OP must be feeling. (Yes. Go. Someone else here has said many in your position would not get even that.)

think of the fare youve saved, say nothing, choose a nice expensive lunch and just cut him out of your will

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Difficult situations seem very simple when you take the emotion away. As for my ex and I not speaking for such a long time - initially, that was all down to me but then years later, via a mutual friend I suggested meeting to clear the air however no reply has been received. Which is a shame because we now have 3 amazing, talented and successful grown men for sons and one astonishingly lovely granddaughter which we could share.

Oh dear I d be so upset, he really should, in my opinion invited all or none, and just sit you apart. You haven’t said there’s animosity with your ex, just not talking I d be hurt too and I totally see where you are coming from, it’s not just your exwife it’s ‘everybody’ brothers, brothers wives, and children, all except you, which I think is cruel.
However if you want to keep a relationship I m afraid you ll have to go with it and accept the lesser meeting.
That’s really not kind, in my opinion

I think its linked to you and his mother not speaking ...not the best way to manage a divorce with children. He wont want any problems on the big day

Well, what a ridiculous situation. Two divorced adults who won't speak.
This would have been the perfect opportunity to heal the rift at a happy occasion on neutral territory. But best you say nothing and celebrate his wedding in London.

He probably didn’t want his big day to be marred by worry about you and your ex being in the same room after 20 years. He’s trying to include you in his life by arranging the lunch in London. Accept graciously and you will reap the benefit in your future relationship. Otherwise it may blow up and damage what you have. Hope you find peace whatever you decide so good luck.

Hi, I think you should say nothing about the invitation to New York, I know you must feel really hurt, but life is short, he still wants you at his UK celebrations, go, enjoy it to the best of your ability and don't reveal anything about missing out to anyone.
There will be a lot of estranged or divorced parents out there who are cut out of everything, who would gove an arm and a leg to be in the position you're in.I know that doesn't help with the hurt feelings but just make the most of being included in the UK invitation.

I think he just wants to avoid ‘awkwardness’ , but, I’m not surprised you’re hurt.
I am also divorced. (Since 2020) My ex-husband has re-married. I haven’t. We haven’t spoken in all this time.
Family gatherings are a nightmare for the adult children, having to make sure we are all invited and yet seating arrangements to be such that I don’t bump into my Ex and his wife.
I do feel sorry for my children who are in this position through no fault of their own, but, it is what it is..
In the early days, one son used to have 2 separate parties.
I hope you enjoy the day, regardless .

I imagine the fact that you haven't spoken to your ex wife at all in the last twenty years makes him wary of you being with the the large family group. He obviously wants to be sure that there won't be any awkwardness. It's understandable. .
I am sure that you will enjoy a pleasant meal with him catching up on all his news.

What Cossy said.

That’s sad, but I’d go to the lunch and not mention anything.

I expect he’s invited the one parent to NY that he still “gets on with”, or feels closer to and didn’t feel he could ask you both.

Take what you’re offered in good heart, even though it’s very hurtful!