Husband I think is looking for divorce after 50 years.

I think most men only move on when they have found someone else!

Startingover61

I've not read all the posts, so apologies in advance for any repetition here.

Your husband is the narcissist, not you. Believe me when I say I know all about narcissism, having experienced it with my ex-husband, to whom I was married for not quite 30 years and who, towards the end, was certainly not the man I thought I'd married. My advice would be to keep a note of all his behaviour towards you, no matter how trivial you might think it is - if it affects you, it's important. I know the divorce laws have changed since I filed for divorce in 2017 and that now there's 'no fault'. Sometimes we don't want to divorce, but our spouses give us no choice. You don't have to live with this man. You have the right to live your own life, free from his negativity and downright bullying and mind games. If he has access to your phone, change the password or make your phone accessible with your fingerprint only. Open an online bank account of your own. After such a long marriage you are entitled to 50% of everything, so decide how you want to live for the rest of your life: tied to this man who doesn't respect or care about you, or free. Starting again is difficult - I know this from my own experience - but it isn't impossible. My divorce came through in September 2017. Took me 9 months and £16K, but it was worth every penny. I got a 70% share and my ex got 30%. He married almost as soon as the ink on the decree absolute was dry. He divorced some 5 years later and is now engaged to prospective wife number 4. I was very content to live my life alone. I moved to a different county and, when I was least expecting it, I met the love of my life. We've been together about 19 months and are very happy. I have my house, he has his. We see each other often, but will never marry. Our relationship suits us, and that's all that matters. I'm 68 now, and life is great again.

That sounds like a good arrangement 👍🏻

I've not read all the posts, so apologies in advance for any repetition here.

Your husband is the narcissist, not you. Believe me when I say I know all about narcissism, having experienced it with my ex-husband, to whom I was married for not quite 30 years and who, towards the end, was certainly not the man I thought I'd married. My advice would be to keep a note of all his behaviour towards you, no matter how trivial you might think it is - if it affects you, it's important. I know the divorce laws have changed since I filed for divorce in 2017 and that now there's 'no fault'. Sometimes we don't want to divorce, but our spouses give us no choice. You don't have to live with this man. You have the right to live your own life, free from his negativity and downright bullying and mind games. If he has access to your phone, change the password or make your phone accessible with your fingerprint only. Open an online bank account of your own. After such a long marriage you are entitled to 50% of everything, so decide how you want to live for the rest of your life: tied to this man who doesn't respect or care about you, or free. Starting again is difficult - I know this from my own experience - but it isn't impossible. My divorce came through in September 2017. Took me 9 months and £16K, but it was worth every penny. I got a 70% share and my ex got 30%. He married almost as soon as the ink on the decree absolute was dry. He divorced some 5 years later and is now engaged to prospective wife number 4. I was very content to live my life alone. I moved to a different county and, when I was least expecting it, I met the love of my life. We've been together about 19 months and are very happy. I have my house, he has his. We see each other often, but will never marry. Our relationship suits us, and that's all that matters. I'm 68 now, and life is great again.

My first question to you would be in your life have you ever lived alone?
Because the fear of being alone is often behind peoples reluctance to make final decisions.
I would say stop waiting for him to make any decisions and start making plans for your own solo life of peace.
Most elderly rich men are very attractive to young women so let him find one! most elderly men are looking for a Nurse or a Purse, if he's wealthy then it will be the nurse option that will appeal to him as he ages.
I would actually advise young women to search for footage of Alf Garnett in Till death do us part on TV. That should put them off being with an aging Narc. It was a controversial comedy back in the 70's but on a deeper level it's a good insight into a very sad marital dynamic.

My aunt 72, husband left her after a petty argument was left to fester for years. I thought they had a strong, happy marriage.
Now divorced. Both now have to rent as the proceeds didn’t amount for them to buy another property.
She would get under the table & howl for hours to the heartbreak.
She said if he had died she would have coped better than going through horrendous divorce.
If the poster is ok money wise, can afford to start again, that’s all well & good, but not many people can afford to & end up stuck in a loveless, horrible marriage.

Aunt with dementia lived for many years after her diagnosis so OPs DH may not die in his sleep for many years.
I think a divorce is the better option.
I am hoping that OP is too busy printing off her necessary financial info and talking to a solicitor to come back to update.
Also I hope she talks to her AC. She has had lots of advice this time and, according to PP, good advice 10 years ago.

MT62

I wouldn’t be rushing for a divorce, unless you can afford a new start.
I’d be wishing him to die in his sleep tbh, if he is a nasty bully.
Then you can keep everything.
You might as well be grieving over his death, than a divorce.

You aren’t going to change him at this late stage!

I wouldn’t be rushing for a divorce, unless you can afford a new start.
I’d be wishing him to die in his sleep tbh, if he is a nasty bully.
Then you can keep everything.
You might as well be grieving over his death, than a divorce.

She may get more courage.
See new perspectives.
People can pray for her.

MissAdventure

Welshmist has said she doesn't want a divorce, and has said her husband was physically abusive for the first 20 years of their marriage.
Presumably her husband has always been a short, agressive man.

So, if she does not want divorce, what advice can anyone give?
Divorce the miserable old prune, or don't.

That's that, really.

She can seperate.
She can seek solace, one would hope, on a forum.
She can make adjustments from advice given on a forum.

I think she probably benefits from 'getting it off her chest ' on here.

But that is important too, is it not?

Now her, and people like her may not.

And this all assumes what Monica posts is correct.

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP.

My heart goes out to this Gransnetter .
Her husband is a cruel vindictive bully who blames her for his inadequacies .
She can't face the reality of leaving him .

The only person who can fix this problem is her .

Welshmist has said she doesn't want a divorce, and has said her husband was physically abusive for the first 20 years of their marriage.
Presumably her husband has always been a short, agressive man.

So, if she does not want divorce, what advice can anyone give?
Divorce the miserable old prune, or don't.

That's that, really.

I agree there have been many of these stories. People take the time to give good advice and it isn’t taken.

The thing that is common to many of these stories is that there’s a lot of money and other assets. That’s what lawyers are for. In this case, there's clearly plenty of money for each to go their separate ways and live very comfortably.

I sometimes think it’s because women are frightened of living alone. But it comes to most of us sooner or later. Even if it’s forced upon us by widowhood, we cope and build a new life.

It is not uncommon to have threads on GN where it is clear that although the OP comes on here seeming to want advice, they are also full of reasons why now is not quite the right time to take any advise even though they welcome it and agree with it but it always boils down to now not being the right time.

In this case the second para of my last post sums it up.

I don't think MOnica was being harsh. She is just stating the facts as she sees them.
They OP never acts on the advice given on Gransnet. I think she probably benefits from 'getting it off her chest ' on here.

Gosh. That's harsh.

I do not think she is ever going to take any action and leave or divorce her husband. I think she just likes playing with the idea and every 5 or 10 years has a good whinge on GN and possibly other sites, gets it all off her chest and just settles back into the comfort of her misery, until she gets fed up again.

The advice given this time is not different to what we suggested last time. Nothing seems to have happened first time round and it will not happen second time round either.

I think Welshmist is bored now 😂
No response since Wednesday tea time.

welshmist
If it is dementia, your OH is highly likely to become even nastier to live with over time, but leaving him will only get harder, not easier, if you wait until that is eventually diagnosed.

Don't wait for that to happen and don't put off discussing this with your children either. Better that they know now how things are and have always been, so that they don't end up thinking further down the line that you have abandoned him just because of his dementia.

I know this is a huge step into the unknown and can imagine all too well that you are very afraid to take it, but it is also obvious from your posts that in your heart you really want things to be different.
Be brave. You have been given excellent advice above, so please try to find the strength to take some of that advice and start that move towards taking control of your own future - you only get one life, so try not to let fear of change stop you from taking steps to make sure that the rest of it is as good as it can be.

Good luck 🤞

welshmist Here is the link you need to find a good specialist divorce solicitor near you solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/ Click on it and then give them the two simple pieces of information it asks for.

I am coming to the conclusion that while you complain constantly about your husband some thing inside you stops you actually doing anything about it. We now know you first raised this issue on GN nearly 10 years ago and despite everyone giving the same advice then as now, in that time you have done absolutely nothing to resolve the issue.

Now you are stalling about finding a solicitor, you cannot use the family solicitor, you will need to find a good specialist solicitor not local. Already I can hear the stalling process on that happening.

Well, I have given you a start. click on the link and two words will give you a list of divorce solicitors in the town of your choice.

Somehow I think you will keep stalling and in 5 years time will be back on GN about wanting to leave your husbnd, but he has been diagnosed with dementia and you do not know what to do. I think the time has come for you to put up and do something or just grit your teeth and knuckle down to the knowledge that you have chosen to live the life you are living and could live for many years to come, despite changing the situation being entirely within your power.

It sounds mire like dementia than an affair, to be honest.

He needs to see his GP.

There is no way to make it magically easy however much advice and encouragement is given:

But having gone through it what helped most of all was having the information from solicitor - finding a supportive one!!!

and any other necessary sources re finances etc

Is the best starting point.

Armed with these, you will find it easier then to consider

could I cope?
what do I really want?
will my family support me (that is, well enough, do not expect them to take sides).

You could find these basics out and report back as to "where next

Yes, of course, I didn’t mean to imply in any way that doing so would be easy, I was trying to offer encouragement and support to the OP that she could do it.