Struggling to support my 91 yr old mother

Could your treat of a National Trust coffee shop be a treat for you and her visit to Sainsburys be her treat for herself buying her choice of food and seeing all sorts of people? At 80 I do love choosing my own vegetables but I also love a National trust coffee and cake. Take her to a smaller Sainsburys as 3 hours is a killer shop but my friend who is 90 loves going around a shop but never seems to buy anything which is her choice so I think she just likes seeing the world out side her own four walls.

I think the key is to tell her you want to take her out for a weekly trip but can't do that and take her shopping as well.

You don't mention whether you can do online shopping, or whether she can be taught how to do it on a tablet maybe. It would give her a great sense of achievement if she could do this. It's really not difficult once her favourites are saved and her banking method is set up at the start. It just requires adding the items to the basket and pressing pay now. She would feel in control and would probably enjoy it.

I hope this would be a good solution, but if she or you can't manage online shopping then you'll need to be firm and say you can't take her. Do not give in no matter how many tantrums ensue. I think you are doing as much as you can which is very generous.

I agree that you need to be firm. You might phrase it as an "I" message and validate her feelings: "Mum, I realize that you like to do the weekly shop and that it's a fun outing for you. However, I feel that it's getting to be too much for me to take you to do that. This is what I'm willing to do as an alternative."

Remember, if she throws a fit, you're not obliged to provide her with an audience. "Mum, I recognize you're upset. However, this is what I'm able to offer. If you keep shouting, this conversation is over." Then follow through with it.

You're not obliged to martyr yourself for her. She can accept an alternative option, or she can see if there is someone else who is willing to take her for a 3-hour shop. Those are her choices.

Unfortunately Sainsbury’s has closed all its I store cafes or you could have combined both. I think you have to tell mother it’s either Sainsbury’s or a trip out. If she chooses the former perhaps you could buy a cake I store and take it home to share together with a drink. Having said that 3 hours does seem a long time for her to be walking round Sainsbury’s with nowhere to sit down.

Could you do the shopping for basics online which you can then just put in as a repeat order and take her in store to shop for the rest?

Instore not Istore

That's a really good idea Avalon.
Then mother can enjoy a bit of shopping (which as others have said, is more a treat than going for a coffee to her) but you may still have time to go to a garden centre too.
And just checking - is your mother relaxed about eating in public? As my MiL had mild swallowing issues & ill-fitting dentures which the dentist couldn't really solve without implants, & I didn't realise for a bit why she didn't want to go out to eat/ drink, but this was why.

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. Yes it is 3 hrs as mum won't use a list or the tick box shopping list I devised for her. I think it is about her having agency over her own choices of food and being 91 she can't remember where it all is so wanders around the store even though I try to guide her. She also likes to consider items in all the cabinets in case she has missed something or can spot something new.
This led me to want to try a new tactic of taking her out for the day, hence visit to national trust, local garden centre, day out in the Cotswolds -somewhere we would both enjoy spending time together .
Because she had a brief spell of ill health I have completed the shopping with ease for her. But now mum wants to get back to shopping again and I am absolutely dreading it!

Also mum lives in an lovely independent living scheme with three good friend

Still I just want to say I feel sorry for you and all the plates you are spinning.

I'm often in the big Tesco near where we live and I can't help but notice many times, the not-so-young-themselves daughters with Mum in a wheelchair or some other mobility aid, being short (cantankerous) with the daughter patiently walking alongside, gently guiding. I take my hat off to them.

I agree you're going to have to take this break in the usual system, to make changes. Hopefully your Mum will settle into a different routine soon.

3hrs at Sainsbury’s 😳

How do you manage to park at Sainsbury’s for 3 hours? Most of them only let you park for a max of 2 hours or you get a hefty fine. If that’s so where you are you could panic a bit to mum and say you don’t want fines every week so you can only stay a shorter time.

Coild you alternate - Sainsbury's one week, NT the next?

Rant away ! You have the patience of a saint. My mum was the same she loved to do her own shopping at that age, but when her balance issues became to much I said unless she’d got a wheelchair she couldn’t go anymore, she refused the wheelchair so I did the shopping.
After that I took her shopping round and stayed for a chat, or occasionally brought her to my, or family’s house for a change.
Mum always used to say you never visit enough you should be here every day, but with work, childcare and everything else it was impossible. I visited at least twice a week, she never got over or understood.
Don’t burn yourself out, mum died two year ago,and it’s really taken it out of me in so many ways.

Could you go out once a month instead of each week?

kittylester

Coild you alternate - Sainsbury's one week, NT the next?

That's what I was going to suggest. She could buy for two weeks instead of one - maybe doubling up on what she usually buys as most things keep pretty well in the fridge, and have their use-by date on them to check (You could do that while she is picking the next thing.) If she runs out of something essential she might be desperate enough to "allow" you to pick it up for her, and after a few weeks she will have adjusted to the different quantities.