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Devastated

(103 Posts)
Npanteli61 Tue 13-Feb-18 22:23:22

I found out yesterday that my second husband of 13 years has been regularly seeing prositutes for the last 3 years. He has said he is very sorry and hates himself for doing it. Loves me and doesn’t want the marriage to end. I am devastated. He is my best friend and soul mate but I just can’t get my head around it all. I want to forgive him and stay married but is it possible. We only moved 4 weeks ago to be nearer the grandchildren, so at the moment I have no friends around me for support.

Anniebach Tue 13-Feb-18 22:30:18

I am so sorry, you must be suffering greatly . May I ask? Did he tell you or someone else?

Day6 Tue 13-Feb-18 22:43:32

Oh that is awful.

It is a betrayal which is humiliating and degrading Npanteli.

If you "want to forgive him and stay married" of course you can, but you will have to do heck of a lot of talking and also try to forget what has happened.

I think that may prove to be very difficult. Best wishes to you.

M0nica Tue 13-Feb-18 23:15:52

If he didn't want his marriage to end, why did he do it? Did he really think that type of behaviour was compatible with loving you and wanting to remain married hmm

Envious Tue 13-Feb-18 23:16:28

Three years is a long time. I hope you have your health checked out. He’s got a lot of explaining to do in order for you two to move on if that’s your decision. Go with your gut feelings they never let me down.

Envious Tue 13-Feb-18 23:19:46

It’s the man thinking I want what I want and I’ve a right to do as I please and as long as I can keep it to myself it doesn’t hurt anyone.

crazyH Tue 13-Feb-18 23:55:41

Npantel....It's awful I know ....the main thing is he loves you . For whatever reason, he needed a bit more/different sex - that's all. There's no emotional attachment. I would rather that than him falling in love with someone else. No emotional involvement here.
Talk to him, forgive him and certainly as Envious says get yours and his health checked and then move on, perhaps with the help of a counsellor...all the best !!

starbird Wed 14-Feb-18 00:32:57

Do you believe that he is sorry or just sorry that you found out? Will he be able to give it up? What is it that he gets from them? Sometimes men do this because they worship their wives and are afraid to experiment with sex with them. He may like some sort of role play that he is ashamed or shy to share with you.

Only you will know if he genuinely loves you and genuinely wants to stop this behaviour. I hope you can work it out.

BlueBelle Wed 14-Feb-18 02:55:25

Gosh I m sorry to hear this it must have been a huge blow especially as you re not near any friends any more

Everyone’s different I personally couldn’t forgive the betrayal and the thought that he was enjoying his life with someone else even if it was only for a hour or two here or there, I would lose all my trust ....but some people do manage to get past this
I don’t buy this thing that men need a bit more, or something they wouldn’t want their wife to do that’s weak and greedy and excuse making , and not compatible with loving your ‘best friend and soul mate’
Three years is a long time and a lot of money spent, he must be well known to a lot of women if he’s going regularly

Poor you what a dreadful shock

Iam64 Wed 14-Feb-18 04:10:56

I feel strongly that sex without strings is just as much of a betrayal as an affair. If a couple agree to be faithful, that’s a promise that needs to be kept.
Don’t make excuses for the behaviours, to attempt to explain is the result of wanting sexual practices they are too loving to expect of their wives, I find shocking. L
I know my response would be to sleep separately, both have health checks but I fear the relationship would be over for me.
That’s before we have any discussion about what prosecution almost always means for the prostututes

Billybob4491 Wed 14-Feb-18 06:12:26

Np please get your health checked out first of all, your husband says he is sorry, doesn't want the marriage to end, but can he give you any guarantees that he won't do it again? and can you live with the consequences if he does? I hope it all works out for you, despite you being betrayed.

Greenfinch Wed 14-Feb-18 07:01:02

It is the element of trust that is important.You can forgive but are you going to suspect every time he is late home or whenever he is out by himself?Are you going to be looking for clues all the time and letting your mind imagine all kinds of scenarios?

Npanteli61 Wed 14-Feb-18 07:02:47

I found out because he changed his phone and his messages for some reason where coming up on my iPad. He was literally about to walk into her house.

Luckylegs9 Wed 14-Feb-18 07:11:16

So sorry, what an awful shock. What a betrayal, trust and money. First thing get a health check. It would be over for me. Lots of these prostitues are doing it because of drug addiction or because of some man controlling them, cannot bear the thought of any man thinking that is alright.

NfkDumpling Wed 14-Feb-18 07:30:00

I bet he doesn't want the marriage to end. Cake and eat it.

Can he not see the betrayal and that you must be feeling completely inadequate in not being able to keep him happy? Hopefully he now realises what he has with you and what he's put at risk just for a bit of extra excitement. He needs to grow up.

Oopsadaisy12 Wed 14-Feb-18 07:30:46

Be careful of specifics, remember Gransnet is published on Facebook and other sites.

suzied Wed 14-Feb-18 07:45:50

Is he sorry that he’s been found out rather than sorry for his behaviour?

NannyJan53 Wed 14-Feb-18 07:55:56

Personally, once the trust has been broken, I could never trust him again.

As Greenfinch says, you will forever be wondering when he is out on his own and late back. I have been there!

An awful lot of talking and will be needed for him to realise how devastated you are, and if he will be able to re-assure you it will never happen again. Only you know how much he and your marriage means to you, and if you can go forward after this.

Lots of hugs .

BlueBelle Wed 14-Feb-18 08:22:53

Well it’s even worse now you have told us you have only found out by accident and his sheer bad luck !! Of course he’s sorry, very sorry he’s been caught I don’t want to add to your pain but that really is unforgivable he is not your best friend, best friends aren’t deceitful, conniving, and selfish best friends care about your feelings
I m another who does not pay into the ‘men need sex’, ‘sex with a prostitute means nothing’ blah blah blah yes it blooming does it means he is enjoying himself in the most intimate of moments with someone else, probably even multiple ‘someone elses’, Gosh three years (that he has admitted to) he must have paid out a fortune as you mention he was visiting them regularly
I hope you can get over this but he’s not the man you thought you had married he’s not the best friend and soul mate you believed was by your side and that must feel like the end of the world A huge tragedy for you, you must be devastated Do you have a best friend (I know you have moved) that you can confide in even if over the phone
Please get some help don’t face this all alone you need support

Christinefrance Wed 14-Feb-18 08:53:54

I agree with BlueBelle this would not be forgivable for me. He was found out, he didn't tell you what was going on. Please get checked out for STDs and then talk this through with someone, your GP or CAB may provide you with groups or counsellors for support.
Once you have your health checked take some time to process things, you have had a shock and need time to recover. I wish you well,flowers

Ginny42 Wed 14-Feb-18 09:30:24

You are in shock and must treat yourself with care. Sometimes we see a hazard coming, but when it hits you like a train, you're left reeling trying to comprehend what's happened.

Your health and wellbeing are the priority now. He made some choices and now it's your turn. Choose what's best for you. Take advice and time to process what's happened. No knee jerk reactions, but decide where you go from here based on advice and support. Why not call Relate and have a telephone chat if you're too far from a centre?

We all have our limits to what we can accept and cope with in a marriage. You see the support you have here, so you're not truly alone. flowers

radicalnan Wed 14-Feb-18 09:55:08

Is he really so technically naive that he got caught out accidentally? Maybe he just wanted you to know.

Effectively the marriage is ended by such betrayal, whether you like it or not.

He is just going through the sorry procedures to make himself feel better.

Put yourself first, get health checks and show him the door.

Harris27 Wed 14-Feb-18 09:55:49

It's easy for us to generalise. However for me it would have to be over the ultimate betrayal. Being married fir forty years I couldn't cope with it. Sending you virtual hugs .

lovebeigecardigans1955 Wed 14-Feb-18 09:57:36

It's awful and you must feel horribly betrayed, no-one could blame you for feeling so sad right now. I think you need to talk, talk and talk about this. What are his reasons? Does he not feel loved or wanted? Any health problems? Different sex drives?
Only you can decide what to do next. It may seem unforgivable but may marriages survive this, after all you have been in this partnership for many years, hopefully you can work through this together. flowers Best wishes.

Luckygirl Wed 14-Feb-18 10:00:43

I am sorry that you are facing this challenge. Only you can decide which direction to go - but you must be smarting. He does not deserve you.

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