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Intimacy and Affection

(15 Posts)
AOB1985 Wed 27-Jan-21 23:00:35

Hi all,

I am in a relationship with my fiancee who I love enormously.

The big thing for me in the relationship is that about 6 months in she just stopped shiwing all sense of love, affection and intimacy.

Now the big thing here is that as a teenager she was raped. She has told me that and numerous other things that are to say the least, unpleasant.

It's just the complete lack of affection for me that is really getting me down.

She shows it to her kids and the dogs but for me, nothing.

I have raised it but she just dismisses it and tells me if I don't like it then I should go find someone else.

I intend to marry this woman and have kids together but all this is making me doubt whether we will work. I just feel completely lonely and if I'm honest a little lost.

She used to initiate intimacy and affection on a regular basis and then It was like a switch was pressed and it's gone.

She doesn't mind me initiating sometimes but even that can be a sticking point.

Everything else in the relationship is there, just this and I feel bad about it because of her past. I just don't know how to solve it.

Tabith14 Wed 27-Jan-21 23:15:31

Doesn't sound good people need to feel wanted

lemsip Wed 27-Jan-21 23:26:34

leave her then. She is giving you the signs she doesn't want you in my opinion.

V3ra Thu 28-Jan-21 01:12:20

It sounds like she could be pushing you away because she's scared to let her guard down. She maybe feels vulnerable and can't bring herself to trust you or believe that you truly want her.

Would counselling together help, talking her feelings and worries through might help both of you.
You sound very caring AOB1985 and I hope you can help your fiancée.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 29-Jan-21 18:02:09

You need to both sit down together and discuss this properly, it needs sorting before you get married, if everything else is fine it could be she’s feeling vulnerable still, you say she used to initiate into acing and affection, so what’s changed, something has, speak to her AOb , hopefully you can sort things out

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 29-Jan-21 18:13:00

Something happened 6 months ago, now she is telling you to go if you don’t like the way things are.
Talk to her, ask what happened and if you can both work to change things.
Sadly I don’t think she still feels the same.

bullyl Sun 31-Jan-21 20:28:19

My husband is just the same he does not show any affection only to the dog. I would have a long talk to her it’s not nice at all I feel so lonely take care

Chewbacca Sun 31-Jan-21 22:25:45

have raised it but she just dismisses it and tells me if I don't like it then I should go find someone else

She couldn't make it any plainer. She's not looking for a way to resolve this. She's given you the bottom line of where she stands and the only thing left for you to decide is "is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life?"
Sorry OP but I think the writing's on the wall.

BlueBelle Sun 31-Jan-21 22:28:26

What brought you to this site AOB with this problem

geekesse Sun 31-Jan-21 23:04:29

Given that the OP appears to be planning on having children, I don’t quite understand why they are posting on Gransnet.

Pinkarolina Mon 01-Feb-21 05:27:54

Maybe he already has children and is a Grandad with a new younger woman. However I doubt it. By his user name I would think he is in his 30s.
I don’t think it’s a good relationship without intimacy and affection and my advice to him is to bring it to an end. He may feel sorry for her because of her past but he also has to think about himself.

Katie59 Mon 01-Feb-21 07:06:43

She is damaged and can’t trust, so is building a wall to protect herself it is not at all uncommon, it will make no difference if you marry her, time to move on.

timetogo2016 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:45:17

Personaly i would go,
You can`t live with someone who can say that to you and treat
you so coldly,and i don`t think she will change either,well not with that attitude anyway.

Tangerine Mon 01-Feb-21 10:48:41

I agree with other posters that the relationship seems to be going downhill.

In your position, I might try one last time to really talk about it. If she doesn't want intimacy with you, I think you should leave.

An older couple might not wish for intimacy but, for most young people, that is probably not the case. Yes, there are exceptions.

Puzzled Mon 01-Feb-21 18:50:47

You say that she has children, so intimacy was not a problem in the past, with someone else.
Since you say that you were looking forward to having children together, your fiancee is till fertile, but could it be that she sees the menopause approaching and is frightened, of what it will "do" to her: reduce her attractiveness, cause her problems.
Reassure her that these are not real issues.
Maybe, she feels that having had children is enough, and does not want more?
Is there some health problem that thinks / knows she has but is not revealing to you?
You need to talk things through, to find out what happened six months ago to bring this on.
This is not a time to be anything other than extremely gentle and sympathetic.
Good Luck!