Keep calm and declutter - Q&A with "tidy" expert Marie Kondo

minky

Please help me Marie. I am trying so hard to get rid of "stuff" but then I just can't do it. I think this stems from two things...one which is always regretting getting rid of a particular skirt (which I loved - why did I do it?) and so I am now wary about getting rid of clothes that I may want to wear in the future. And the second is that I had been given an old text book (many many years ago) by a university friend - not long after I thought I had no use for it and had sent it to the charity shop he died unexpectedly and I was devastated because it was the only thing of his I had had still.

I suppose what I am saying is that I am very sentimental and struggle to get rid of things (but particularly cards, letters, papers) that have been significant to me in some way (either from relatives, many of whom are now deceased) or that evoke other happy memories.

How do I work round this? Or do I really need to? (My husband says yes I do)

There's no need to force yourself to throw away anything that brings you joy. If, however, you have mountains of things that you know in your heart you don’t need but can’t bring yourself to throw away, then perhaps the problem is that you don’t understand the purpose of possessions.

Their purpose is to bring us happiness. Ask yourself this question: "If all the things around me really want me to be happy, would they want to be with me right now?"

To be buried under piles of things that you cannot throw away, unable to give you contentment in your life, is not what your possessions want.
Express your gratitude for those things that have fulfilled their purpose in your life, wish them well, and let them go. You are not abandoning them but rather sending them on to the next stage in their existence.

Declutter so that you can take good care of those things that are precious to you, those things that bring you happiness now.

I wish you a life of joy through tidying!

Culag

My late husband was a great photographer and I have 3 large storage boxes of family snapshots and also larger home developed and printed 'ace' shots. I thought I would sort these one winter but it was too upsetting. I can't throw them away, my son hasn't got room for them or time to sort them - I'm stuck. [tbusad]

Things that belonged to loved ones who have passed away are the hardest to sort. This category is far too huge for anyone to tackle at the start. There is a correct order in which to tidy. Start with clothes and then move on to books, papers, miscellaneous items, and sentimental items. The photographs left by your husband fall into the last category, and the key is to leave them for last.

As you tidy your belongings in the above order, you will find that this process helps hone your judgment, and you will be able to tidy much more quickly.

Finish sorting and decluttering your own things first as a way of healing yourself. Once you have gotten your life in order, you will be able to face the task of sorting through the things your husband left behind.

cikada

I had this magnificent rule "what I have not used/worn for six months goes out". But - the big but -whenever I try to declutter and throw stuff out, without a doubt I shall look for it a fortnight later; it will be that item of clothing that just goes with those trousers/skirt, which I have not worn for a long time. Hence it now goes into the
loft for another six months, and perhaps then I shall actually really declutter or won't I?

I have, however,bought this little machine with which I could transfer all my old photographs and negatives to the computer/memory disc, it helped to get rid of a few boxes. A very emotional process though....

I personally don’t recommend decluttering methods that choose what to throw out on the basis of time - for example, "if you haven’t used it for XXX months, throw it out." Why? Because "6 months" is someone else’s criteria, not your own.

No matter what method you choose, there will always be some things that you wish you had not thrown away. What’s important is whether or not you can affirm the decision you made. When you choose what to throw away on the basis of someone else’s criteria, regret is inevitable.

Use your own mind and heart to choose what to discard. Decide on the basis of whether an item sparks joy when you hold it in your hands.

If you come across something that you just can’t bring yourself to throw away, don’t put it some place separate. Put it away with the things you have decided to keep. Think of the things you keep as members of your family and be committed to taking care of them. With this attitude, you will come to see whether each item is something that you wish to cherish.

waltermitty

Boy do I feel better, now I know there are so many others out there who can't let go!! I blame all those trash for cash/car booty/hidden treasure daytime TV programmes for my clutter - old telephones, clothes from the 70s, vinyl records, typewriters ... the list is endless!! One day they will be worth a lot of money and then I'll be the one laughing! And how can you throw away any photographs, soppy Valentine cards, school books and reports, or a hundred other memories? I know one day someone else will bin them - so help, what is the answer???

The trick to letting go is to clean everything in the same category all in one go. For example, when tidying photos, gather them all in one spot and then go through them one by one, picking them up and holding them in your hand. The criteria for choosing is whether they spark joy in you when you touch them.

You are bound to find some photos that are almost identical, some that are out of focus, or some of scenery you can’t even remember taking. The process of taking out and picking up each photo makes us acutely aware of the existence of our possessions and helps us to naturally acquire the ability to judge what we really need.

If you come across things that are hard to throw away even though they don’t bring you joy, let them know how much you appreciate them. Remember the happiness they brought you, thank them for all they’ve done, and give them a hug before you put them in the bin. This will free you from any feelings of guilt you might have about parting with them.

spookygran

I regularly start to declutter but my husband puts everything back. How can I get him out of this habit without grievous bodily harm being committed? "we might need it one day" is his motto, mine is "if I haven't used it in the last year ....get rid of it". Tidying is a nightmare in our house,please help me.

Start by tidying only those things that belong to you and that you can make decisions on by yourself. Leave anything communal for later. Once you have dealt with your own clutter, then you can take on the whole house.

I also encourage you to have a proper conversation with your spouse about what kind of home you would like to live in. For example, what kind of interior you would like? How you would like to spend your time in the morning after you wake up and the time before bed? Before discussing what to discard and what to keep, you need to consult about your life as a whole.

Let your husband know that the tidying project you are about to undertake is a special event that will change your life. I am not exaggerating. There are two types of tidying: daily tidying and special-event tidying. We should begin with the latter. (See my book for details.)

Oh, and one more thing: no matter what your husband decides about keeping or not keeping any item, don’t say a word. Nor is there any need for you to deliberately show him what you are throwing away when you tidy your own belongings.

Galen

Why bother? It only gets cluttered again!

Dear Galen,

That’s a good question. Why bother? After all, clutter won’t kill us. But I still recommend decluttering because I know that it invariably changes our lives for the better.

You will find that repeatedly deciding which possessions bring you joy will hone and refine your power of judgment so that you can apply it naturally even in human relationships and your work. You’ll be able to identify what brings you happiness and act accordingly.

Some of my clients, for example, decided to change careers or their workplace to something that they found more satisfying. Others found that the decluttering process helped them to succeed at dieting or at economising because their core values became much clearer.

And of course, everyone who goes through this process will gain a tidy home. If you use the right method to declutter, you will never suffer from clutter again because the process itself will transform your awareness and your habits.

What would be your "ideal lifestyle"? With what kinds of things would you like to surround yourself? Decluttering begins with identifying the ideals to which you aspire. Once those become clear, it’s your choice: do you want to declutter and transform your life so that every day is wonderful, or do you want to stay just the same?

inishowen

I love decluttering, but DH is a book and paper hoarder. He has his own study but still leaves piles of papers on the coffee table and in the kitchen. It drives me mad. I can't tidy it up as I'm accused of hiding important things! What can i do?

Dear inishowen,

I can see that you find it really hard when your husband leaves things in your shared space. But the secret to decluttering is to finish taking care of your own clutter first.

Start by sorting your clothes and then move on to your books, papers, etc.. Make sure you finish one category before moving on to the next. Once you’ve completely finished, that’s the time to try and help your husband learn how to tidy.

The key is to tidy each category all in one go. You've said your husband hoards papers. When it's time to work on that category, he should gather papers from every part of the house, pile them in one room, pick up each one and select only those that he needs.

One reason we tend accumulate so much without realising it is that we haven’t grasped the real volume of what we own. It’s usually quite a shock for my clients to see exactly how much stuff they have in each category. Seeing the reality and then tidying up in one go is sure to change the way you treat your possessions and your understanding of decluttering.

Stansgran

I buy cleaners and stain removers and household goods in the hope they will magic some order and cleanliness into my life. I've bought a packet of yellow dot stickers which I add to each cleaner I use. By August 1st if they haven't got a sticker on them then they are out. (Started in January) also I read that if all your clothes are on hangers one way round,as you wear them put them back the other way round and then cull the ones at the end of the season that haven't been turned round. I am going to try that. I think that may have been Marie Kondos idea? How do you shed things which have happy memoriesMarie? Handbag my daughter gave me a scarf from my mother,a birthday card from my father? They will mean nothing to others and go into the skip when the house goes.

Dear Stansgran:
Regardless of whether or not they mean anything to others, you don’t need to shed things which have happy memories or which give you joy. (Of course, we shouldn’t throw away things that belong to someone else.) If you have something that you really love, then keep it with confidence and take good care of it.
In order to take care of the things we love, however, we have to let go of the things that we no longer need. If the things that are really important to us stay buried under other stuff or lie forgotten for years and years, then there's no point in having them.
So learn how to tidy properly and develop your ability to choose what's really important to you. If you take care of the things you treasure, they will support you to have a fulfilling life.

mrsmopp

Here's one I posted earlier. (The house is still a tip)

Am I the only one finding it terribly hard to declutter? I start off determined to have a good clear out, but I don't get very far. I end up going through everything then carefully putting things back where they were. For gods sake what's wrong with me that I want to hang on to everything?
Let me just add I'm not one of those extreme cases where it's impossible to even enter the house because of piles of junk, old newspapers etc. no, I'm not that bad. Yet!!

Dear Mrsmopp,

No, you’re not by any means the only one who finds it hard to declutter. The reason you find it hard to throw things away is because you haven’t clearly identified the things that really make you happy. Start by changing your perspective. When we focus on what to throw away, decluttering becomes a painful process of searching for obstacles, for things that bring us down. The more we try to declutter, the more we seem to be chiselling away at our hearts.

The key to success is to focus on what we want to keep. The criteria for choosing is to touch each item and see if it brings us joy. Remember that you have to touch it. Just looking at it or thinking about it won’t work. Only when we pick something up and feel it can we really tell if it makes our lives richer.

goldengirl

I'd love to declutter my own stuff but the thought of having to do something with it puts me off! It would just be moving it from one area to make a pile in another - until I can 'go to the tip' (which I can't see myself doing), or 'taking to a charity shop' which I can't see myself doing either. Any suggestions welcome please.

Dear Goldengirl,

The important thing in decluttering is commitment. The key to having commitment is to tidy all in one go. If you only do a little when you have spare time, then you are not truly committed and it will seem like too much bother to take things to the tip. Decluttering doesn’t mean simply sorting out what to throw in the bin. It is a major project that will transform your life for the better! That’s the true purpose of decluttering. Keep this purpose in mind and make a detailed, concrete plan that will get the job done quickly.

Taking things to a charity shop is a great way to declutter but when you sort the things to be taken there, be sure to set a date for when you’re going to do it. To sum up, the keys to success are commitment and speed. Make tidying a special event!

Nelliemoser

As my OH has just brought home 12 more charity shop CDs and three books he will never listen to, but just hoard. the whole idea of never being able to de-clutter and clear out makes me feel ill.

I just want to move out, leave it all behind me and find some where I don't have to put up with this crap. The bloody boxes of unread books and CDs are spilling out onto the landing.

I am sick of it.

Dear Nelliemoser,

The most important point in decluttering is to finish decluttering your own things first. Can you honestly say that you’ve completely finished doing that? Usually it’s when we haven’t taken care of our own stuff, that other people’s things and actions bother us. (I know because, believe it or not, that’s the way I was!) So I recommend that you stop focusing on your husband’s clutter and instead concentrate on your own. The trick is to do this on your own, quietly, without saying or even implying, "Look at me! Look at all the decluttering I’m doing!". When you have completely decluttered your own space, you’ll be feeling much better, and you’ll be surprised to see that your family begins to declutter, too. It’s strange, but decluttering appears to be catching. Try it and see!

Gally

I seem to be constantly trying to clear up. In the 33 years I have lived in this house, I have always had one room full of 'stuff' waiting to be moved/given a home/sold/given away but never seem to achieve the end object. As I may be moving house in the next year or so, I am methodically going through boxes and boxes of photos, receipts, letters, school reports, certificates......... most of which belonged to my in-laws, my parents, my late husband, my children and others. It takes for ever and at the end of the session, I am left with almost as much as I started with but in a considerably more orderly state. I, however, am left in a complete mess having blown my way through half a packet of Kleenex as it upsets me so much. I have even been bum up under the sink sorting out bottles of cleaning stuff, dusters, shoe polish, all of which seem to be duplicated or even triplicated, but now all beautifully organised and in neat rows. Same with the larder - all in alphabetical order and in neat rows. I just don't seem to be able to part with much; it all means something or reminds me of someone. I have far too many plates, cutlery, glassware, dishes, bowls, vases, gardening equipment, furniture and shelves full of books - the list goes on and on. As for paperwork - despite having a filing cabinet and multitudinous box files, most of it is in piled on the dining table for easy access . I have recently dipped my toe into eBay, without too much success - I buy more than I appear to sell
Short of allowing someone in to do the deed while I am anaesthetised, I don't think I will ever get to grips with decluttering.

(BTW GN. Fed up of? Doesn't sit too well with me, but correct me if I am wrong)

Dear Gally,

You are really struggling to come to grips with decluttering and feeling that it’s an impossible task. But please don’t worry. As you will see from my book, there is a method and an order to decluttering that works. Before you start decluttering you need to know how to choose what to throw away, how to let go of things, and the most effective order in which to sort your
things. Once these three points are clear in your mind, you will find that the problem is not that you are incapable of decluttering but simply that you didn’t know how to do it.