Difficult relationship with adult daughter

I am so sorry you are going through this. One small thing I did in a similar bad place was to keep telling myself that I was only allowed to worry when I was in the shower. It didn't always work but it was a small help to know that I could let go and sob for a few minutes every day.
As I am sure you know, only she can help herself really, as you have discovered, money doesn't help.
Try to look after your health and keep telling yourself that things can get better, because they can.

If the GP says she may be bipolar if that is the case it can cause very unpredictable negative behaviour. Would she accept an appt with a psychiatrist to see if this is a diagnosis for her, only a psychiatrist can do this. If she says she will go would you pay for a private assessment as waiting lists for adult mental health are very long?

The fact that she behaves the same with her brother shows this is not caused by you and it sounds as if you have tried to do more than your best. Do you feel she is addicted to the alcohol, people who rely on alcohol to function cannot be helped until they realise they have a problem, she is an adult and has capacity to consent to any treatment or not, that is partly why it is so difficult .

As hard as it is you probably do need to put some boundaries in as alcoholics ( if she is) and people with MH issues can be manipulative as they don’t see others perspectives. Can you look for more info online about bipolar to understand it better and maybe a support group for yourselves as parents.

You are having a hard time, take care of yourselves

Thank you Ilovecheese and Twiceasnice, her GP recommended a psychiatrist and I booked it up and paid for it and she didn't go. She said there was nothing wrong with her.
Yes, she is definitely an alcoholic more so than bipolar. When she had a spell of not drinking, there were no signs of bipolar. It was alcohol that caused her marriage

You are facing the conundrum that faces all those who know and love an addict, whether the addiction is drink, drugs or anything else, when to to realise that all the help you have offered is just enabling the addict to continue in their addiction and that the only way to show how much they love their child is, by cutting them off.

Stop giving them money, paying their rent, providing food parcels because it is only when the addict hits total rock bottom that there is any chance they might face their problem and start recovery.

Sadly what you are doing now is the most loving thing you can do for your daughter and you are showing a courage that many cannot face.

There are two charities who you can talk to who help the families who are coping with addiction in a family member.
The Addiction Family Support addictionfamilysupport.org.uk/ and Adfam adfam.org.uk/

Both of these groups were set up to help families like yours. Look them up. They both had help and advice lines you can telephone.

Unfortunately an alcoholic has to want to stop drinking, and you can’t make her do that if she doesn’t want to. I can’t come up with any solution, but I wish you strength to cope with this horrible situation. I do feel sorry for the daughter who is shared with her father.

Thank you Monica, I have never heard of these support groups, will look into these straightaway.

Thank you Bazza yes beautiful grandchild is torn with her feelings. She makes the most of it when her mum is on top form and switches off at the horrible times. I'm certain she will be needing therapy in the future. Fortunately, she is close to her dad.

I would Ike to add that I am sending you as many good feelings as I can.
I m another who uses the shower to cry in Ilovecheese maybe it’s something about the water taking your tears from you
I have a close friend who has exactly this problem although there are no grandchildren or husband. The lady has been to all mental health programmes offered, but she is an alcoholic who will find any way to sneak in drink, the mother unfortunately pandas to every whim, making her a victim ,she will get out of her bed to drive to her if she calls and my friend is 82 and had this behaviour all her grown up daughters adult life, I talk to her about tough love and she agrees but she always ends up going to her The daughter has been in police cells, mental health units, hospitals and the mum blames all of them.

I second the links above for help for you and your DH. And for your granddaughters too. Al Anon is also a great help fornthe families of the alcoholic..

As PP have said the alcoholic has to want to give up alcohol and until she reaches that stage absolutely nothing you can do will help. Money will enable her to continue.

I have immense sympathy for you all. I know what you are going through. Get help for yourselves. It will help so much to know that you are not the only family coping with this.