Learning of a loss after the event

I hope you all find some peace and comfort from your meeting - I'm sure you will. Losing a child has to be the worst thing that can happen to you. Perhaps the only thing that is even worse is not knowing, and having a situation like Ben Needham's mother is going through now, and has been for so many years.

Your friends must be glad that you have got in touch again, and the fact that you feel so much for them and remember the little girl that was will hopefully be of great comfort.

I am so sorry to hear your sad news must be so devestating for you. I am sure your late God daughters parents will want to talk and you will find a way to help. Just go with the flow and things will be fine.

Yes they may cry, if you or they mention her name but just go with the flow. My eyes are filling with tears writing this. The loss of a child is so heartbreakingly utterly awful, but not to speak about them or remember them is also painful.

We lost our darling beautiful niece at 20. She committed suicide.

We are all still mourning her loss. Her parents talk about her freely, and want to talk about her. We do cry our eyes out, but we all need to. It is better than howling with grief inside or sitting stiffly trying manfully to control your feelings, in case you think you look silly or whatever.
Best of luck, but honestly you seem so nice and sensitive from your post!

Thank you all for your responses and I'm so sorry for your losses too - although everyone can imagine how dreadful it must be to lose a child this can be nothing like experiencing and living with the reality. We will just go with whatever our friends want to talk about and not avoid the subject at all - they do have a son who is the same age as our youngest son so we will be able to reminisce about their lives too as they did know each other as children.

How lovely that your old friendship can be rekindled.
The only thing that will get in the way is your anxiety about getting it wrong. It sounds like they are quite at ease about getting together again & talking about their daughter. So just go & enjoy their company again as you must have done when they asked you to be godmother to their daughter. Catch up on the years you have missed & include their daughter's name in the conversation naturally & ask questions as & when the openings arise. As a mother of a daughter who died aged nearly 17, it's much worse when her name is avoided. I think if they were of the 'don't/can't talk about it' group they wouldn't have responded to you as well as they have done. They'll have plenty of practice at dealing with other peoples nervousness. I'd love having the chance to talk about my daughter with anyone who knew her, especially a godmother. You don't need to find out everything in one meeting - just pace the questions as part of a much wider catch up. If you're not sure you said the right thing just say sorry, was that difficult for you. In working with many bereaved people, I soon realised what's right for one person is wrong for another or it may be right with a person at one time but not another. I learnt that all you can do is be yourself, be humble & forgiving of yourself & acknowledge you may have got it wrong. You can also ask at some point in the conversation what she has found helpful & not do helpful in coping. You could even name your fears rather than showing them in your behaviour - they'll love your honesty. Above all be real. Enjoy your meeting.

When my cousin's daughter died aged 32, leaving her 3 children aged 2, 4 and 7 for my cousins to bring up ( she was separated from her ne'er do well partner who showed no interest in bringing up the children) I asked the cousins whether they wanted to talk about their daughter ( they did) and now we talk about her quite naturally -things that happened when she was a child ; in what ways her children resemble her etc, with no sadness at all. Much better to let the parents lead the conversation. Just ask them what they would like, they won't be offended. My cousins are doing a terrific job with their grandchildren by the way. They have had them for the last nearly 8 years - male cousin now 70 and female cousin 68!

Willow500, it is wonderful that you took the trouble to seek out and contact the bereaved parents. One of my daughters died suddenly and unexpectedly (natural causes, but out of the blue) when she was 28 years old. Many of my friends sent flowers and cards, but they did not phone me or call by. I know it was because they did not know what to say, and perhaps they were frightened of how they would cope and handle their emotions...... they would have known I was in a terrible state. As time went by it became harder for me to contact them, and them to contact me. As a result I lost touch with one or two friends. Some people I had not known very well before were wonderful, and new friendships were forged. It is also lovely that the bereaved parents are talking openly about their loss - that's not easy either.

We learned of the death of an old friend after the funeral. I found out she was in hospital by ringing round but were not allowed to visit. The next time we rang they said that they could not give out any information. It is very distressing but not always avoidable. Her only relative, her grandson was on holiday and found out after he returned. She had an address book but he did not find it until she was already buried. He was so upset that many old friends could not attend.

Willow I found out that my ex husband's niece, my niece for 15 years, had died aged 27 years old. My ex mother in law asked, after 11 years, to see me and my son as she had some savings for him. On entering her flat she told me straight out that my niece had died. I had no idea. No one had said a thing to me. I instantly burst into tears. I was floored. I got told then not to contact my ex sister in law as my ex mil said that she was too upset to talk about it. Understandable, but we had been close when I was married to her brother. I thought about it constantly for ages.

Anyway, sometime last year, in a cafe, there was my ex sil with her new husband and her mother. She came over while I was in the queue, we hugged and I cried, told her I was sorry for her loss and that I had been told not to contact her when I wanted to. Much to my ex mil annoyance I went and sat with them for a while while I had my cup of tea. We did exchange numbers but nothing since and I don't think there will be now. But I said what I wanted to, gave her a cuddle and parted as friends, which I am glad of.

All I can say is that if you end up upset, then that is fine, it's natural, it is all part of the grief and shock of losing a beautiful young woman. Don't hold back neither, it will make her feel better to know that you are touched so much by it. It is a shock, look after yourself. X

Thanks Monica - how moving that must have been to hear such wonderful things about your sister. I really want to know about our goddaughters life not just her passing so I hope that we will be able to talk naturally about her - so much to catch up on.

My sister died 25 years ago. Last year, at a meeting for a charity I work for, I was chatting to someone who asked how I had become involved with the charity. I said that my sister had been the Director of the charity many years previously. He asked me her name and when I told him, he immediately told me how well he had known her, how much he had liked her and talked about working with her and what a loss her death had been. We had a long conversation about her

He spoke of her with such immediacy, as if her death was quite recent. - and it was so wonderful and, while I cried my eyes out in the car all the way home, the whole experience was both emotional and uplifting.

So I would say, do not let your god daughter's death be the elephant in the room. If her parents do not mention her, do so yourself. It will probably upset all of you, but as you all travel back to your respective homes after the meet-up, you will feel so much better for having talked about her death.

Willow yes, good advice. I'd add listen, and don't be afraid to ask questions about your goddaughter. Parents who have lost a child often don't get many chances to talk about their child as people are afraid it will stir up memories. But the opposite is true.

If you've lost a child you never forget them and welcome the chance to talk about them with someone who will listen.

Thank you for your replies. We're just so happy to be back in contact again after all these years I'd hate to jeopardise it by saying or doing the wrong thing. I will do as you say and let her parents take the lead. We do plan to visit the cemetery to lay some flowers on her grave which will be very emotional but something we need to do.

As someone who has lost an adult child (aged19) I love conversations with people who remember the things he did, varying from crazy zany stuff, to his skill as a musician, fly fisher and (trophy winning) clay pigeon shooter.

Take your lead from them, but I expect they will want to talk about their daughter and share memories.

Take your lead from the parents and let them talk if they want to. Say you're happy to do whatever helps them but you don't want to upset them . I lost my child as a child not an adult so don't have any experience of that but I think if they are wanting to see you that can only be a helpful thing. Just be natural and see what happens.

I think it is perfectly normal, indeed desirable to shed a tear together. The worst thing people can do is avoid talking about the departed as if they had never existed. However, I would take your lead from her mother - she will surely want to tell you about the "missing" years.
How very very sad, my condolences to you all.