1) Find out contact details for your immediate neighbours and then call or visit to advise them of your arrival time and number of removal vans. You’ll obviously find out more about them but also avert any potential parking or access problems.
Obvious good manners and a chance to make contact and show that you are not an arrogant city slicker.
2) Do not invite the neighbours in for drinks, cocktails (should you know how to make any) nibbles, supper, or barbecues. Wait for at least several months but do go to them if you’re invited.
If you meet someone and like them, invite them in - doesn't have to be hard liquor. Coffee and a biscuit is enough to chat over. If you are invited in anywhere, ask them back.
3) Do not hoist the Irish tricolour up a newly installed flagpole in your garden.
Or even the Union flag, unless everyone else does.
4) Dress conservatively, be polite and if you have a dog make sure you pick up the poo; especially in the High Street.
Don't you always? No need to buy the Barbour and shotgun yet, though. Most of your neighbours probably wear M & S or Ebay, and just swear at the foxes and badgers which rake over their rubbish bags. Wait until you find out whether you really need the shooting gear and the five retrieving dogs before you splash out on them.
5) Go to the pub as soon as possible but do not proffer too much information about your background or personal circumstances. Drink English ale; not Mexican lager.
Ask what local ale the barman would recommend. He might say Mexican lager. Don't be too mysterious and standoffish, though. First impressions can stay as your personal label for life. Tell them a bit about your lovely family, but miss out details of your salary, bank balance, latest bonus, socialising with Madonna and regular trips to Mustique until you have established yourself as a Good Guy.
6) Do not, immediately, seek planning permission for a large extension or triple garage.
Get your feet under the table before kicking away the supports of your acceptance. They will ask one another (quite legitimately) why you bought that lovely house with the beautiful garden that Mr & Mrs Smith spent their lives maintaining and improving, just to make such sweeping changes as soon as you were in. They will think you plan to enlarge it, sell up to a Middle Eastern oil potentate, and vanish with the money. Why should they bother making you welcome?
7) Do not, immediately, cut down trees in your garden. You may well need planning permission.
Ditto as above. Plus, you will find yourself in trouble with t'law, and besides, without the trees, your newly installed ensuite with the loo beside the full-length window overlooking the marvellous view will also be overlooked itself by everyone on their way from the sports pitch to the pub. This will get most trying at the weekend, when your house guests from the smoke will find themselves eyeballed by a fascinated crowd.
8) Do not volunteer for anything. The WI committee, Parish Council, village green committee, Traffic Speed Gun team and the Neighbourhood Watch will seek you out as fervently as a heat-seeking anti-aircraft missile.
Join an organisation first and test the water. You may think that you could run it better than the old fogies who seem to be in charge, but a bit of people-watching will show that they are very shrewd at knowing their members and assessing just what combination of cajolery, flattery, guilt-inducement and bullying will get the most out of each of them. Without their years of experience, you will have to resort to naked bullying and a demonstration of your superior, and much-resented, efficiency. It will not endear you to anyone.
9) Do join clubs, or societies, as they are known in the posher villages. Gardening, Rowing, Beer Tasting and Archery are useful activities to while away the halcyon days. You will be surprised to find just how many other interests are catered for in the depths of the sticks.
Ask around, and taste everything that tickles your fancy. You might enjoy things that you would not have considered in the feverish whirl of city life.
10) Persevere.
It is worth it.
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