Do we stay near our family or move somewhere we like?

If it were me, I would still be staying there until I got citizenship, dual nationality and two passports then decide what to do.

Tegan the whole of Europe will fit easily into Australia with some to spare!
I have DC and DGC here and over there (and the ones over there are a plane journey apart).
It is very difficult but we have never lived there, just go for extended stays.

Huge as Australia is [I can't quite comprehend it but am going there nest year so I'll see for myself] I think that you'd feel closer to your grandchildren if you stayed in Australia albeit still being a long way from them. So, taking an outsiders point of view it seems you need to put down roots and make a new life for yourselves there as they are obviously going to move around a lot. If you end up having to skype the grandchildren a lot of the time you'll still feel closer to them if you're in the same hemisphere.

hondagirl I do understand. It's easy for me to say. I have one granddaughter who is close by and I would be devastated if we didn't see her regularly. I hope you find a solution.

I am divorced and now live on my own. My children and grandchildren at present live 150 miles away and we regularly take turns to drive to each other to stay for weekends Friday night to Sunday afternoon. I'm very close to my children ( they don't see their father, long story) and my grandchildren are the treasure in my life. In 3 years time I am retiring and am going to buy myself a small flat within walking distance of them. They have every intention of staying where they are and never moving but wherever they lived I would choose to move to be near them Skype is good I use it now but nothing beats being part of their lives.

Thanks for the link rosequartz. Yes, I had already been looking at this. If we move to Queensland we are intending to move to the Sunshine Coast where there are a lot of retirees and so likely to be more going on for us in the way of a social life. I feel this is very important if we have no immediate family close by.

Yes, you are right Tegan, Australia is certainly geared up for the young and especially WA.

I agree KatyK, I think we are more devoted to our children than they are to us. It's just the nature of things I guess. I suppose also it is really the grandchildren I will miss most.

Yes rosequartz - some did, but they had more children and some were expected to stay. Looking back through my and DS's ancestors, the ones who moved away did so because there wasn't always enough work on the farms/silk factories to support them. The older ones worked in the family businesses, at least one girl would end up living at home and helping her mother and possibly never marrying, the younger ones would have to leave. I found DBH sobbing one night because one youngest son had ended up in the poorhouse!

We went to a National Trust property and was taken round the kitchens by a guide who said that kitchen maids had to work in houses a long way from home because it stopped them running home [which they wanted to do ]. I've often wondered how people knew where the work was in the days before letters and phones.

I suppose the only system that ever really worked was when none of us ever moved more than two miles from our immediate families

We think that in the olden days our forebears stayed near their families and never moved far, but in fact they did. Delving into family history has given me an insight into just how far some of my ancestors travelled in search of work. This has also been pointed out at some NT properties we have visited - they have put some old census records on display showing just how far some of the domestic and outside staff had come to work in these 'big houses'.
Fascinating!

Australian houses are different, you are right there hondagirl!
The other thing I have noticed when we have been over there is that they socialise with friends and family but don't join clubs or suchlike to meet new people, although I have just googled and found this (if you were thinking of moving to the Brisbane area):
www.u3abrisbane.org.au/

Tegan - an earlier post of yours said '.....you have to question whether they are as committed to you as you are to them'. Do you think our children are EVER as committed to us as we are to them? It hasn't been my experience that they are. This isn't a criticism of them by the way, it's just how it is. I was the same with my parents.

I've never been to Australia but have got an impression, from speaking to people about it, that it's a country for the young that doesn't cater very well for the elderly.

Humbertbear, we have tried to integrate a little and hubby plays bridge and we have met one or two people that way. It is quite difficult at our age though as most people our age have their own families and lives. The young ones seem to find it much easier when they emigrate as of course they are all in the same boat. My daughter and family have their own friends who they met at one of the meetups for new immigrants, but of course they are all around their own age.

We have been discussing again this evening, (after the tennis!) as the exchange rate is currently rapidly improving, ie we would now get more Oz dollars for our pounds. Hubby pointed out we may need to act and bring our house money over to take advantage of the situation or we might miss out. I hate being forced into a decision.

I think I need to go back to the UK for that holiday and if we still had family there I think I would be happy to stay there as it is home after all and we could get a nicer house - I really don't like Australian houses. However we don't have close family and our son could end up anywhere so we would still be on our own.

I have an Australian friend who lives in Holland. Her job and her husband are in Holland, her family in Australia. She has had to ask to be allowed to only work for six months of the year, doing a sort of job share, because although her brother and sister both still live in Australia she had never ever imagined that they would both more or less refuse to do much to help out with their parents as they both gradually became ill. Her father is now in a wheelchair and her mother has dementia, although it seems to be progressing fairly slowly at this stage.

This is the third year running that she has spent the entire six months running herself ragged, sorting out care, dentist appointments, cleaners, decorating, sorting out their clothing, buying new appliances and their finances. To say nothing of the cost of the flights and car hire. I shan't go into why her siblings refuse to help, but in an ideal world she would ship them back to Holland with her but of course they won't go. It's fascinating to watch what living all over the world can do to a family, I suppose the only system that ever really worked was when none of us ever moved more than two miles from our immediate families, and we all know how claustrophobic that could feel. the payoff however, was the care provided when needed.

I feel for you, having to make such a choice. I really don't know what I would do. Your SiL could skip off to Hong Kong in a few years' time though. Anywhere, really. He has to go where the work is. I do hope you get on well with him.

I presume you are keeping up to speed with house prices in the UK too hondagirl? The longer you leave it the higher the prices look like going so you may need to consider that when deciding what to do. Rentals are following the same rising prices.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do - it's a major decision and only you and DH can make it. Lots of sensible pointers on here. If you are like me, once you have made the decision you will feel less stressed. You don't have a crystal ball to see what the future holds and can only try and think of all the issues and go from there.

One thing I will say and that is the older I get the more I hate winter and sometimes wish I lived somewhere with a kinder climate. You might miss the warmth if you move back .

It's hard isn't it - but if your family are not settling in one place for good then you could finish up trailing round after them like packages. You ned some security in your life as you get older - friends and activities and familiar places.

And so do I - wish you well; you have some very difficult decisions to make and I fully appreciate how daunting the thought of moving can be. I do hope you find a solution - wiser folk than me have given you much to consider.

If you come back to UK how often will you see your daughter and the GC? As we get older long haul flights become much harder to do ( my husband can't do short haul and he is not yet 70). There is also the issue of not having friends or family around if either of you are ill. Friends of ours only moved from London to Norfolk but when he had a stroke she had no one around to support her.
You don't say anything about how you have tried to integrate into Oz society. Have you joined any clubs or organisations, volunteered?
My daughter took a sabbatical and was never happier than in Sydney but decided she couldn't stay there as she was too far from her family.

What ever you decide to do, I wish you well.

This is very much the modern day dilemma hondagirl but sadly that doesn't make it any easier.

I have a friend whose only daughter live in the south while she and her husband lives up here in Yorkshire. She would like to move nearer to her daughter but her husband does not want to. This is not as big a problem as, obviously, they can visit their daughter and grandchild but the same things come into it as far as I can see.

When my son went to live in Australia, then got married and then had children many people asked if I would move there. I certainly would not. My daughter does live near by but I do not think that is what influences me. My only grandchildren are in Australia and I cannot tell you how much I miss seeing them grow up. My son and DIL are brilliant at letting me know about the little things that happen but I still miss more regular contact.

However, at the moment (things can always change but I don't see it happening) I do not want to live there and that seems to over-ride my wish to be near my son and his family.

I don't know if my thoughts will help but I just wanted to say that some people think it is OK to make the decision not to live in another country just because a member of the family has decided to do so.

It seems harsh to think I am putting my preference for England, its climate, its culture, my feeling that all the general knowledge I have built up over a lifetime helps me be part of it, my circle of friends and ease of getting to know more people (or not ) ahead of knowing my grandchildren better but I cannot do anything else. I may be lucky in that I do not have an OH to take into account.

Good luck - I have a feeling you may not be able to make an immediate decision.

Honda no advice to offer, but what a situation to find yourself in.

Many thanks to those of you who have taken the time to reply. I think it helps me just to be able to write down my feelings. Some very wise words from all of you.

rosequartz, my husband has always been fanatical about watching sport but it has been somewhat curtailed by work and weekends taken up with children. Now he obviously has more time on his hands and in fact as I write this is glued to the Murray tennis match! Yes, I do think he is bored, as am I to a certain extent here in WA. Yes, we have family and grandchildren and this keeps me more than busy but not much else.

Tegan we are currently renting with our granddaughter and family. We did this for financial reasons and the very fact that they were not settled either. I really do not want to carry on renting any more, (there are the 3 monthly inspections for a start which are very strict here as everything needs to be cleaned within an inch of its life) plus we would only be postponing the problem I feel if we carried on as we would not be able to settle as like janerowena we would feel it is not worth the effort. We would also feel our lives were not our own and we would have to move (or not) at the whim of my s-i-l.

I hear what you are all saying, and my head is telling me you are right. Unfortunately my heart is telling me something else. Also the thought of uprooting ourselves again and moving elsewhere with all our wordly goods is quite daunting,

I missed the original post hondagirl. What a dilemma. My sensible head would say do what's best for you; you mustn't live your life through your children. However, I know what I'm like and, no matter what I say I'd most probably put my children and grandchildren first and ignore my own happiness. What will happen when the children go to school; will they still need you in the same way or will you just be living in a country that you're not entirely happy with? If your daughter and her husband are planning on moving around, could they not rent a much larger property which would incorporate living accomodation for you and your husband [I know that's not ideal but it would probably be better financially for all of you]. It could be large enough so that that you had a separate 'granny flat' area perhaps. If they're not prepared to do that maybe you have to question if they are as commited to you as you are to them.

Does your husband watch so much sport because he is bored - if you are spending a lot of time with DD and DGC and not doing things together perhaps he is fed up and has got in a rut.

janerowena - a very wise post.

If you moved to NSW and they lived in Queensland they could still be a plane journey away; if you moved to Queensland it is vast and driving from north to south would take more than 24 hours, so again a plane journey.

You will have to persuade your husband to take his eyes off the sport for a bit, discuss this and make plans of what you can do together wherever you move to. You have to do what is right for you; you will miss your DGC if you are not near them, but how many young mums have to manage without the support of granny?
You could wait to see what they intend to do and you could all move then find that they move again.
If you move back to the UK you will be nearer your DS - but he could move away again!
Did you say you have other relatives in Queensland? If you re-locate nearer to them you will have some family support.
I think you and your husband will have to find a future which will make you both content and see your DGC as often as you are able.

It's a tough decision, I feel for you.

It doesn't sound to me as if you can rely on your daughter to stay in one place. I have had to move around all over the place following DBH and his work, and my own mother didn't speak to him for two years because he chose a job in Hampshire rather than one in Sussex where she lives. It made life very hard for me. Now of course we are even further away, but she has mellowed.

You cannot build your lives around your children, you really can't. I know there are lots of gransnetters on here who live close to their families, and they are very lucky, but I wouldn't mind betting that over half of us do not.

You need to settle down somewhere and make some good friends of your own, not rely on your family for so much support and company. Not put all your eggs in one basket, as it were. I used to desperately wish I could live closer to my daughter - but I far prefer our surroundings, the life I now have, and my social life up here. It takes a few years to settle down anywhere and to feel fully at home, I always reckoned on at least four years. When we got here, I didn't even bother to try to form friendships because I was so convinced that we would be moving soon. Now we have been here for seven because at last DBH has settled, and it's lovely. You are not going to be happy because you are not allowing yourself to settle.

Choose somewhere YOU like. Live your own life, not your daughter's.