"Its not your problem"

when the children were in their teens we had a house fire. It didn't last long, the fire brigade were fantastic but so much damage was done, we moved out while the kitchen and bathroom were replaced along with numerous carpets, furniture, clothes and books cleaned and so on. It was traumatic, especially as I lost all the baby and early childhood photographs of my eldest child as well as numerous photographs of my grandparents/own childhood etc. Lots of loss there. I was probably, therefore, slightly unhinged when I agreed to teenagers and their dad choosing the colour schemes - we had the whole house done in lining paper as none of us are wallpaper fans. The teens and their dad chose a combination of primary colours and Downton type deep reds. This in a very ordinary semi. It took several years for me to slowly work my way around the house covering the deep colours with a selection of Farrow and Ball, inoffensive colours. I got over it and sadly, can't imagine either of my parents saying there there dear, we'll chip in so you can change all this.

No criticism of Atqui - I think we're a different generation than our own dear parents were

Greenfinch I think because you are upset at the moment you interpreted the thread as being materialistic. I thought it was more about anticipation and disappointment and a mum's wish to see her daughter happy in her new home. I too was being rather critical - I'm sorry and hope things soon look up for you.

Iam64 My parents certainly didn't assist - even when they had the means to do so - but sometimes what we experience with our own parents makes us keen to do things differently.

Having sympathy for the daughter's predicament is one thing and understandable but getting upset, to me, is OTT. It is only a carpet.

To be honest I can see no advantage in being upset with or for other people, it just puts a bigger burden on them. Atqui's daughter now has to cope not only with her own upset but also her mother's. is that fair on the poor girl.

Offer sympathy, understanding and then either change the subject or if the person would be receptive make suggestions that might help mitigate the problem

I suppose it's the thought of their hard earned cash going to waste. They do have to work very hard these days. And if it's a first home, then that's even more disappointing.

I understand you completely Eloethan but I have to disagree. Does a daughter being happy in her new home really depend on the colour of the carpets? I have similar sorts of problems to a lot of other people but believe me, these do not colour my views. This is just me being me and I'm sorry if I gave another impression.

That's exactly what I thought jingle.

Their hard earned cash hasn't gone to waste, though. It's been spent on the carpeting, which I presume is serviceable even though the DD doesn't like it now it's been fitted.

yes. But if we can soften life's disappointments, what's wrong with that?

Or if we just share the disappointment with hem.

There's a word for it. Let me think now......... Oh! Got it! It's called 'love'.

I know. We want their lives to run completely smoothly and be trouble-free...sigh...it's hard.

We had to work 'very hard' ourselves Jingl , in fact we had far less at such an early stage of marriage than any of our children, and usually accepted any carpets that were left in a house we bought, rarely having brand new ones.Ditto with any curtains.I understand exactly what Greenfinch means.I also understand any disappointment with choosing a colour that may be wrong, and I would be sympathetic when talking to them, but certainly not worry about it or offer to buy any new carpets.as Ana says, we do want their lives to run smoothly, but at the same time, if wrong colour carpets are the only problem, then they are doing well.

Same here, roses, grenfinch, and ana. Actually, I can't remember when I last worried about my adult daughters or about anything they did. I've often sympathised and/or empathised. I don't think they worry much about stuff like carpets though either. Perhaps they learned a shrug and move on attitude from their parents about stuff that in the big scheme of things really doesn't matter very much.

I agree rosesarered

Until two years ago we still had the carpet in the living room left by the previous owners - we moved in 18 years ago.
I hated the carpet but nothing I could do about it.

We help out our children as much as we can but replacing a carpet because of it not being the right colour would be well beyond us

This is perhaps another of those so-called First World Problems.

Thanks for all your views everyone which I have just read having jreturned from the new abode which DD moved into today. Yes she's a fortunate young woman in a new build flat fully carpeted, albeit in a colour she regrets. I will not lose sleep over this particular problem or cause my daughter any further disappointment, I was only wondering about the extent to which other mothers empathise with their adult children's disappointments.

It's four rooms , hall and stairs ,so a hefty outlay.Of course she will adjust her colour schemes to go,with it , but it has taken the edge off her excitement.

I agree - not worth losing sleep over

My mother was a terrible worrier. She is less so in advanced old age. But it got to the stage where I simply stopped sharing any of my concerns, major and minor, with her, because I then felt I needed to cope with her worrying!

For example, we had the usual teenage worries about our children as they grew up. I could not share them with her, because they would become her issue. Too many instances of her phoning up and saying, 'oh, I've been so worried thinking about x' when they were little stopped me sharing. Her worry came out of love and concern, but she took it too far.

We both lost out, I think.

That's interesting elena and could be a lesson to me!!

I think I would say, 'well never mind, when the furniture is on it, it won't be so noticeable, dear, and you could buy a nice rug to cover the main part' - you could offer to buy one for her perhaps.

I agree that there are worse things to worry about but you can empathise.

As soon as our very expensive suite was delivered I knew I had picked the wrong colour; I've lived with it for years because it would cost too much to change.
I may get it re-covered soon!

Wise words elena - however I worry myself incessantly about the health and welfare of the DC and DGC! DH says 'and will your worrying make anything better?'

elena, was your mother related to mine? She used to take all our issues on herself. I had to be 4000 miles away to feel free to make my own mistakes. And I did!

I never tell them about my worries! Just worry quietly away or tell DH.

I worry incessantly about mine as well, rosequartz. Worrying doesn't make things any better, I know, and if I could stop it in order to make myself feel better, I would. I don't let them know I'm worrying though.

It helps to know I am not alone in constantly worrying about my children who are both adults but I find it almost impossible to stop. My DH just says 'let it all go over your head as its their problem' have never been able to take that approach but I wonder petallus if your app may help me ? Be grateful if you would let know the name etc.

It's natural to worry about their health issues, or even job prospects, or lack of them etc, but for myself, it has to stop there.Even with serious issues, I would offer practical help if I can, otherwise as much sympathy as they need but being there for them to moan at me rather than me voice concerns for them, if you know what I mean.Sometimes they just need to have a moan, we all do!Mostly they don't want or expect any help, especially DS and DD1 who like to do everything themselves.Interesting post from elena on that subject.

I agree with Greenfinch. Of course I'd sympathise/empathise with my children, as I would with any other minor disappointment in their lives. I'd offer practical advice as to how to minimise the mistake if I were any good at that sort of thing, which I'm not. But it's not the end of the world and I'd be very surprised if my DC wasted much time fretting about it either. We've all had that sinking feeling when something is delivered that looked great in the shop but now just, well, doesn't. And we get on and make the best of it, don't we? I could say we learn from it, but some of us never do . Nobody's ill, nobody's lost their job, nobody's harmed. In those circumstances I could fret for England on their behalf, even though it does no good.

As for replacing the offending carpet, I'll give my DC/DGC my last penny if they need it, if they want something I'm sure they'd rather save for it themselves.