Feeling Guilty

sun you feel guilty because your mum said that she wished you were there today and you're not!

I used to have a friend who would say "Never feel guilty about something you cannot change, it is a wasted emotion and has no purpose". Sometimes I think that is true ...

Console yourself in knowing that your mum will be distracted by the party she's going to - my children as toddlers used to bawl their eyes out saying goodbye to me and 5 minutes later I'd phone still feeling guilty, and the staff would say "They're fine!"

You said it yourself - she's very manipulative. Well she's just pushed your buttons again.

would it have been worse or better if she hadn't acknowledged your absence at all ?

Sun she's pushed your buttons again, Grannyknot is right, she'll be distracted by the day. She'll have a lovely time and will be exhausted by the time she returns to the nursing home.

You've got plenty of time to let her know your plans for your visit next year, after all a 90th birthday is pretty special. Be prepared for negativity though!

My mother never forgave me for marrying an Australian and going to live there. Even when my marriage ended, and I returned to England with my two children, I was made to pay. My children returned to Australia in their late teens because they never felt accepted by the family here.

I felt so blooming guilty I stayed on here and nursed my parents up until their deaths. Now I cannot return to Australia without my kids putting up a massive cash bond. Despite my having been a tax paying, voting resident.

You've got to live your life for yourself. See your mother next year and don't stress over her remarks. Don't let her spoil your enjoyment this Christmas.

She was partying with family and spoke to you on the phone. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's part of having families in different countries and she can look forward to next year.

Are we sisters sunseeker? Its just the sort of thing my mum would do and we have been conditioned to please them, and in my case certainly, failing.

You did the very best you could in the circumstances so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Oh Gawd! How some of us can never please our mothers......and mine only lives 18 miles away............. Would of thought I'd have got used to it after nearly 61 years !

I feel guilty about everything, sunseeker! Luckily my husband is a pragmatist and tells me not to be so silly. I think we women are programmed for guilt. Anyway, you have nothing to feel guilty about in this case. Your mum sounds like a very lucky woman - family not too far away, more family in the UK (or wherever you are), birthday parties organised for her, telephone calls to distant daughters who promise to visit the following year. Really - what more can she ask? Get on with enjoying your own Christmas now - you're worth it!

Thank you thank you thank you to all for your encouraging remarks! I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do - thank goodness for GN!! You are all, of course, right and I'll try not to let her remarks spoil my Christmas

Sunseeker Don't feel guilty at all your mum will have been the centre of attraction all day and enjoyed the attention I'm sure,our guilt is so easily brought to the surface isn't it and we know deep down we have done the very best for our parents so relax and look forward to your visit next year.

Let me say the unsayable. I think guilt is a very self indulgent emotion. We use it to punish ourselves as a way of getting out of facing up to what we have done and making amends for it (NOT this case) or we use it dutifully, when someone, usually a close relation, wants to punish us for not acquiescing in their unreasonable demands.

Sunseeker, regardless of her age, your mother is making unreasonable demands on you and you are dutifully punishing yourself for not giving in to them. You know very well that you cannot make the journey every year, if you did, she would then want you over for the whole of Christmas and at Easter etc etc. Grit your teeth, look at the situation objectively and stop feeling guilty.

I think that she just wished that you were there on her birthday. She's 89 and realises that she doesn't have a lot of time left – and may not even reach 90. This was not necessarily button pushing or a desire to make you feel guilty – just a genuine but unrealisable wish that you could have been there to celebrate her birthday. Certainly there is no cause for you to feel guilty.

I expect your Mum was nice absent and wasn't into button pushing!

I think Sunseeker knows her mother best absent

If she was made to feel guilty that was in all probability her mother's intention.