Why do some friends drop away when someone is ill?

I think it's the latter soontobe, don't know what to say etc particularly if it's a serious or life-threatening situation and maybe they are uncomfortable or feel awkward or are worried about saying the wrong thing as well as not knowing how to cope with people showing emotion. I think perhaps it's more common in those who find it hard to show their own feelings?

I was widowed aged 33, not only friends but close family stepped back , it happens

I sent my DinL's mum a card and note to wish her well during her chemo. I decided not to send a get well card as it is terminal and just a matter of time.

She phoned me and we had a good chat and I told her about a friend I had met for coffee that week whose husband had recently died.

I suddenly realised, should I be talking about death of another, but she just took it in her stride and we carried out chatting amicably.

I just wonder if it is better to carry on normally and not 'doctor' our conversation.

It is a tricky one with no real answer.

Sadly not everyone can cope with illness in others perhaps because they fear being ill themselves. On the other hand there are some mawkish individuals who seek out pain and disaster and love to associate themselves with tragedy.

Carry on normally, but tactfully if necessary. 'Doctoring' the conversation trips me up!
Most people want something normal in a time of enormous upset and worry.

That is sad Anniebach

I should have put relatives and acquaintances too.

I suppose that what I am thinking is that it doesnt necessarily make those people not strong friends. More, that they are frightened in some way.
I agree though that the person in need does not then get the support that they need.

That's so sad Anniebach, I'm shocked that close family weren't there for you. The feelings of isolation on top of grief must have been awful, so hard for you.

When a friend's wife died we supported him as much as we could, even inviting him to come on holiday with us, then when I was diagnosed with cancer he dropped us and we never heard from him again. We thought perhaps my illness was difficult for him to deal with but his daughter later told us that he had said that as he had found a new lady friend he didn't need us anymore!! Another friend, who we only knew slightly, immediately telephoned when he found out and offered to help with getting to hospital for appointments etc.

I agree it is better not to doctor conversations, when you are going through something stressful normality is something you crave (at least I did).

There are givers and takers in all fields of life sun-seeker, including in illness and in health, as your post demonstrates...... I've seen it happen too.

From my experience, it is the latter- but also, some people just cannot cope with hospitals at all. So many times people I know stopped visiting because they 'wanted te remember the person as they were'. When mil got to advanced Alzheimers, we were the only ones to visit of the children and our daughters continued to visit too- whereas none of the other grand-children ever did. Very sad.

When my best friend died aged 52 of pancreatic cancer- I was the only to visit in the latter stages. And when another friend had a bad stroke in her late 40s- most friends just disappeared and didn't visit- I found it really sad and tragic (and disgusting too).

Perhaps it is a mixture then.
Some who really are flaky and disappear when their is trouble. Some who are strong and supportive. And some who want to cope but struggle.

As I mentioned elsewhere, when my uncle was in hospital with a terminal illness, a person who I consider to be supportive, found the hospital visit difficult.
She said something along the lines of "I am glad that you are here soontobe, as I was dreading this visit. I have been thinking about it for days".
I admired her personal courage in being able to make the visit.

So I think, sometimes, for some people, it can purely be a matter of courage.

Having suffered a recent depressive illness (and still battling to keep it at bay) the reaction of friends and family has been interesting, but overwhelmingly positive. I know that the received wisdom is that people are embarrassed or frightened by mental illness and I had expected that friends might drop off and stay away. One interesting thing has been how many have said that they too have had mental health problems in the past.

I have been very lucky indeed - neither friends nor family have dropped away in the least bit - quite the opposite - the offers of help and support and the kindly gestures that have come my way have been moving and heartening. I count myself lucky in this; and also ask myself whether I might have been one of the people who would have "dropped away" had it been someone else who was ill. I like to think that I would not be that person, but I certainly now know how important it is that friends and family stick with you, even when there is nothing they can do to "cure" the problem.

No-one has appeared to be the least uncomfortable about it - they have reacted in a practical way - this is what you have got; how can we help?

In some ways it has been a positive experience, although painful. I have been told and shown that people do care about me in a very overt fashion, which does not usually happen when you are well and just ticking along. It is such a boost to one's confidence to have friends say that they love you and are wishing you well. It has been a real lesson for me about being brave enough to express one's feelings about friends.

My mum suffered with COPD for the last few years of her life. My dad now has dementia. The were life long members of the Methodist Church where they lived. They thought that they had many really good friends, but not one of them has ever visited since they were unable to attend church. Even the Minister didn't bother to visit dad after mum died. They call themselves a caring church, but I haven't seen any evidence of it. I have become very disillusioned with the church, and it's attitude towards illness and age. I don't go anymore. I think I may have gone off at a tangent here rather. Sorry.

Hilda - that is awful and so painful for your parents. I am not a church-goer but I do not think that all churches are like that; they certainly are not round here, where their pastoral care is much valued by all.

My DH was diagnosed with cancer last year (all is good now thankfully). Everyone we know, friends and family, have been fantastic throughout. On one of our many visits to hospital for radiotherapy etc, I was surprised to hear people say that friends have abandoned them. One lady in particular who had breast cancer and was only in her 40s, said she had been horrified that friends has stopped contacting her. I also have a friend whose father has cancer. She said her parents were recently invited to a wedding and ended up sitting on their own for the whole of the reception as people they have known for years didn't know what to say to them so didn't speak to them at all. I hope I would never do this.

You can see why so many people keep their illnesses quiet, can't you. Ex used to seem to think that terminal illness was catching, I had to visit all of his family on my own. His poor mother, I was forever making excuses for him.

Those 'difficult conversations' are harder for some people than others I think, but just dropping a line to someone doesn't take a few minutes yet means so much, doesn't it?
If you 'don't know what to say' then say just that, and it gives an opportunity for a conversation to develop.
Being treated like some sort of pariah is appalling KatyK, truly shocking particularly as long-standing 'acquaintances' (clearly not friends) ignored them. They must have been very hurt.

It's not something | can understand, how hard is it to just say 'I was so sorry to hear about your illness, I wish you all the best. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.' And then move on to normality, which is surely what most people want to do anyway. Friends in the past have maybe spoken briefly of their fears, but on the whole, they want to forget about it and be entertained and have their minds taken off it once their situation has been acknowledged. Others do want to talk at length.

I wish people would just ask themselves, 'How would I like to be treated if I have a terminal illness?'

Sometimes, although they may not realise it the person who is ill/going through a difficult time tends to push away those who wish to support them because, I suspect, that they either fear that those who support them do so out of shadenfreude, the desire to take pleasure from the misfortunes of others, or because they are themselves defensive about admitting that their life has suddenly fallen in around them. I have had friends who in bad times tend to roll into balls like hedgehogs and repel all attempts to keep in contact.

About 5 years ago my best friend sent me an email cancelling a visit as she was going into hospital and said she would be in contact in a few days. A week later, having heard nothing and very worried, I rang every hospital in her area until I located her. But she had banned anyone being told what her health problem was. I drove 200 miles to see her, walked into the ward to discover she had terminal cancer and had only days to live. I was able to visit her over three days before returning home promising to return within days, but I didn't, she died 48 hours later.

Left to herself my friend would have spent her last days in hospital alone and unvisited, mainly, I think from the shock of such a sudden immediately terminal diagnosis, but also because she didn't want those who were fit and well to see her so fallen. I am not sure she realised that this was what she was doing, but many friends at her funeral were in deep grief because they felt so excluded from their friend's life when she was actually most in need of friendship and support.

So, so sad FlicketyB, she was so lucky to have someone like you who really cared despite her withdrawing from everyone- she must have been in total shock at such a devastating diagnosis, poor lady.
Hedgehog-like is perhaps how many of us would react whilst trying to come to terms with the situation.

Yes loopylou it is appalling. Jane - yes I can see why people keep their illness quiet. When my DH was diagnosed, we were due to go on holiday with my sister and brother-in-law. They are lovely people but DH wouldn't tell them about his illness until after the holiday. He said that, even if unintentional, they would treat him differently. We had a good holiday and they hadn't a clue what we were going through (we must be good actors ). When we eventually told people, most were great. Saying that, we have been treated differently, but in a good way.
Our DD now sees more of us and includes us in her life more. Perhaps the possibility that we may lose someone makes us take people less for granted. How dreadful FlicketyB.

There are 'fair weather friends' and true friends. In hard situations you find out who your true friends are.

We found that out Anya 19 years ago when my DH's business collapsed through absolutely no fault of ours. So-called friends couldn't distance themselves fast enough and have never been seen since, the same went for very close family member who could have helped soften the blow financially (he had an interest in the business but pulled strings leaving us in the shit ordure) but instead along with his wife were viciously gloating to anyone who'd listen.
Luckily DBIL was a saint and endlessly helpful and supportive -I'm sure that without him DH would have gone beyond being suicidal........
Certainly very hard when you find out just how much of a 'friend' some people really were!

We had only moved north five months before my ex walked out. I had made a few friends, some of whom behaved as if divorce was infectious. But one couple are still my closest friends. Others have moved away but still keep in touch - then there are the others!