who holds the pursestrings?

That was me many years ago I didn't work and although I could ask for something if I really needed it I had no money to call my own. With hindsight, experience and confidence I did manage to change things but we eventually divorced and now my husband and I share everything although we have our own accounts, we discuss all shared finances and spend our money on what we like.

I agree things have moved on and young women shouldn't have to put up with such behaviour, a lot don't of course.

I have never 'worked' but DH and I are on the same team as it were and he has often said that his contribution to our team is to name the money and mine is to spend it.

We discuss all large purchases but each of us knows we can spend what we want without checking with the other. We have joint accounts and separate accounts but we can each access all the accounts. We aren't silly though!

A friend of DD2 works part time for the NHS while her DH earns loads in the city but she is still expected to pay in half the mortgage and take care of childcare when she is working. That particular worm is turning though.

I worked all my life , had my own account as did my DH. We split outgoings between us .

Now I am retired it's very different and it took us a while to find the best way forward. I have retired 9 years before I can get my pension due to the changing goalposts. I never had a pension for various reasons but as I progressed up the corporate ladder I took stock options.

Now I'm no longer employed I cashed in everything and it's in the joint pot, which DH manages although I have access. He also contributes a sizeable pension etc.

I felt at first it wasn't my money although I had contributed. I felt I should ask for personal money, but that made me pretty unhappy. Now I get a monthly income from the pot and I deal with all the household purchases and groceries. There's an amount included for me to fritter away on wool and pop socks and coffee .

It's encouraged me to budget for the first time in 30 years because the less I spend on household items the more I get to fritter away on unnecessary plastic items from Taiwan for the DGC !

It works for us.

We've had a joint account for household expenses that DH's wages were paid into and subsequently his pension. I've never had to ask permission to buy clothes or take cash for a night out etc.
I also had my own account which my wages were paid into. This was for holidays, large items for the house, car maintenance etc. It's always worked for us.

Always from day one we have had a joint account into which both our earnings (and now pensions) are paid. We buy whatever we each want out of that joint account and pay all the household bills from there. I trust him to be sensible, and he trusts me. End of.

I never feel bad about spending and neither does he. If there is a major expenditure (like the new electric bike!) we discuss it, but neither would dream of vetoing any expenditure of the other unless there were very compelling reasons and it has not yet happened in 46 years.

I am very puzzled when I hear my children chatting about who pays which bit of the mortgage etc. Seems barmy to me.

When i stopped work to be home with the children I also took on complete home management, including financial, because at that point DH started doing a lot of overseas travel often at short notice for indefinite period sof time (before email, mobile phones or even fax machines). I reckoned I earned my share of the family income as much as he did. Like nina his salary went into the household account and after we had set aside household expenses we divided the balance between the two of us and the sum was transferred to our own individual private accounts

I certainly never ever asked DH for money for anything, anymore than either of our mothers did before us. When I returned to work, we pooled our joint finances and kept the previous system going.

Skittles, it sounds to me as if your friend's daughter is trapped in an abusive relationship.

DH is still at work, so he pays the bills, although I make a contribution towards my food. I have enough private income that I don't have to ask DH for money. This way of doing things works for us and we never argue about money. I'm a terrible scrooge and if I had input into his spending, or joint spending we'd argue all the time. He's actually careful with money as well, but not in my league.

Whatever works for a couple is ok, so long as both partners are happy.

Me.

He can't do Internet banking.

We've always had a joint bank account but these days I'm in charge of the money because DH doesn't do internet banking and he can't drive so there's no chance of him getting to a cash point unless I take him.

After his stroke he became very forgetful and started leaving his debit card in shops. He also didn't check amounts being charged and once paid £90 for a £9 transaction Fortunately I check the online account every day and as we know the shop owner it was easily sorted.

We save a lot more money now I'm in charge......funny, that.

Internet banking is wonderful isn't jinglbells. My OH can't do it either, he also has trouble with cashpoints. I think though he just finds it easier for me to do it all. What is he going to do if I go first?

We have always just had one bank account and all funds go in there. I do sometimes tell him not to buy anything too expensive for a while. I rarely tell him what I am spending. If he doesn't like it then he can do the finances. I don't we have fallen out over money for many years.

I remember my sil saying to my brother "you owe me XXXX" which I thought was most weird. But I am sure my father gave my mother an allowance - would have been generous - I know when he died she didn't have any money in her account which caused a problem for a few days.

We have always had separate accounts, into which our salaries were paid. Throughout our working lives all household accounts, including mortgage and groceries, were paid from my DH's account. This was a decision we made when the children were small and I first went back to work part-time - the idea was that if my money was used only for savings, emergencies and 'extras', i.e. holidays and so on, then if for any reason I had to give up work, we knew the essentials would be covered.
As it turned out, I continued to work, changing to full-time as the children got older. My salary was used for things like the new roof, house maintenance, holidays, 'big' things like washing machines, furniture and so on. And all the Christmas and birthday presents.
Since retiring, I pay my half of the household bills (by monthly transfer into DH's account), and we share everything else. If either of us wants to spend on some frippery or other for ourselves (or each other!), we do. No need to discuss it.

Oh heavens, thankfully Mr P & I work things out between us, but when I was with ex dh and had a pretty good job, as I set off to work each morning he would give me £2.50. Staff lunch was £2, the Daily Telegraph was then 45p (£1.40 now ) what a high old time I had with the 5p that was left over!

With hindsight I'm surprised he didn't ask me for the change!

All in one pot in this house - all accounts in joint names and we both use the same credit card account - unless a large purchase we just buy what we need or would like to have - we never let the fact that one of us happens to have a much larger pension amount than the other come into it. OH not savvy with some things so he relies on me - I do the Internet banking and also foreign currency transactions - I always tell him what I am up to but he never remembers anyway. My DiL has never really worked much and it has never caused any friction that I have seen - luckily DS has always earned enough to support the family and she is very good at running the house etc. - they only ever refer to any finances as 'our money' - as do we - think that says it all really.

I do know another young couple who work their finances like that skittle but she does seem to get mostly what she asks for for herself and the children. Because their mortgage is huge and they have done a lot to their lovely house she seems perfectly happy and he likes to keep a check on the spending. Now she has started an online business from home so I hope it goes well for her.
(not one of my own DC btw)

PS the husband in your OP does sound as if he is trying to control his wife rather than control the finances.

We have always had a joint bank account, even when I didn't work. During those years, DH never objected to anything I spent money on (still doesn't) and I repaid his good faith by not spending money we couldn't afford - a lesson I learned from my father whose mantra it was until the day he died. My mother was the opposite - she would have bankrupted him given half a chance and nearly did until he took her chequebook away. When I eventually started working again, what I earned went into the savings account and we lived on his salary. We've always both been "hands on" sorting out the finances, although since we retired the most I do these days is have a quick look at the bank statement.
Despite the best efforts of our children to drag us into the Internet age, DH won't do online banking, and I'm happy with that, but at the rate at which our bank is closing branches, it may be something that is forced on us.

We have a joint current account, a savings account and I have a separate business account for the business I own/run, which is in my name only.

As I have always earned about 6 times as much as OH and he is - by his own admission - not good with money (he was in debt everywhere when I met him) I have always handled all the finances and bills, although he has never had to ask me for money and large financial decision are made jointly.

I suppose it is naïve to think that situations such as mentioned by the OP no longer exist but sadly there will always be relationships where this kind of behaviour happens. It is abusive and should not happen.

The first time I became aware of this kind of thing was years ago, back in the 70s, when I delivered some goods to someone after a 'plastic box party' and was waiting for the payment. The woman had to present the bill and the items to her husband and ask for it to be paid for. Her husband sat there with the accounts book open in front of him and questioned her about her order and why she had placed it and all this was done in front of me. I was so sorry for that poor woman and just saw red and (once I had the cash in my pocket) gave him a piece of my mind. It was pretty graphic!
That man actually rang my husband to complain about my behaviour would you believe?
DH told me about it when I got home and when I asked him what he had said in reply he just shrugged, said he couldn't help laughing and said he had told the irate man that it sounded to him as if I was spot on. Brilliant!
I often wonder what happened to that poor woman though and whether their four boys took after their bullying father.

As for us, we have joint bank accounts and since retirement my DH manages our finances. We discuss what we buy and neither of us are extravagant, not much that we need really, although if it was something that was needed DH would insist on quality. We always discuss any purchases and I would not buy anything that my DH was not entirely happy about and he would respect my wishes too.

We married when we were very young (45 years ago on Friday!) and I managed our very meagre income from my husband's job and my part time work. This went on for years right through having children and running a business. We had a joint account and he never bothered what i spent - I too found it strange when friends and family had to repay money for something they'd bought. When I started working independently I had my own account for my wages and have paid for the extras we have had such as furniture, carpets, Christmas and holidays while my husband's income pays the household bills. A few years ago he decided he wanted to take over the finances so I handed it all over to him which he keeps meticulously on a spreadsheet. He never questions what I buy with my own money which is just as well

I can remember going to a coffee morning in the late 1970s and the conversation got round to money and all the other women were talking about asking their husbands for money and the problems that involved. I shrank into a corner and kept very quiet because until that moment it had never occurred to me that families still worked like that.

The other thing that surprised me was that most of the women present were graduates and had worked at professional level in a range of circumstances and I could not understand how they could have ever agreed to play such a subservient role in their marriage.

We have always had a joint account, even when I didn't work. I suppose it comes down to a matter of trust, DH knows I wouldn't spend on what we didn't need and mainly it was me who kept an eye on our finances. When I went back to work I did open my own current account which my salary went into, and that way I could save for holidays, Christmas, extras, clothes etc. If we have had work done on a house at any time he has kept a spreadsheet of costs (down to the smallest paintbrush) but otherwise he is very easygoing about money (although he always comments on which garage has the cheapest fuel and how much gas or electricity we have used each week !).

I deal with all the finances, because DH has no interest. It has occurs to me though perhaps he at least ought to know all the passwords etc. I have suggested this but he never bothers. We bank online so he really ought to make an effort and find his way around the system.

What's his is mine and what's mine is my own.
We share it really. My earnings generally pay for treats mostly on darling grandchildren, Holidays, Christmas etc. His pays the bills, food. I've never had to ask him if I can buy somthing for myself. We do discuss big purchases. We promised each other that we'd never get each other into unaffordable debt and we've kept that promise.

The only advice my mother every gave me before I was married, 45 years ago, was always have a separate bank account.